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what is it I've done wrong?

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(@stefhy)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 67
Topic starter  

Ok guys, last time I felt like this, the songs came outta me like never before... So watch out for my names all over the boards, as I might not share all of my songs, but some of them, and I'm sure there will be plenty to keep everyone busy :P ... there's one part of this song though that I'mnot sure what i want todo more, either what's inside the brackets or what's next to it..there's pretty much no difference, but there is in the way its sung and im not sure how i want to bring the chorus into it... the one in the bracket will bring the chorus in louder and a lil more mad sort of feel...the shorter one will fade a bit quieter having a sad sort of feelbefore the chorus comes into it.. i dunno if you guys will know wat im talkin about, but i hopeyoudo and plz help me choose which one :)... feel free toleave alot of comments, i love gettin comments lol :)

What is it I've done wrong?

asking for forgiveness, pleading for help
please ignore my mistakes, put them up on the shelf
I know its hurtin everyone, but I'm not sure wat i've done
It always seemed to me that bad news came like rain
in darkness it pours, and doesn't let up the pain
I'm lost in clouds, drowning in tears... I find myself sayin I'm sorry

I dont even know what i've done wrong
I dont know how to fix this
I feel like i've been suffering for too long
I can't take it anymore

I've got to leave this hell hole
I've got to run away
I've got to find some strength in myself
To face another day
I need to search for hope
I need to find my happiness
I don't wanna go on ,no
But this mistake has got me here
here to stay(my mistake is keepin me here)

I don't even know what i've done wrong
and I don't know how to fix this
I feel like i've been sufferin for too long
I can't take it anymore

I feel so ashamed
Feel so put down
like once an angel in the sky
now just trapped here on the ground
I'm strugglin for answers
I just want to know this...

What is it I've done?
How can I fix it?
Why am I still suffering?
I can't take it anymore...

I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Hey

May I be so.. bold and say shorten things up a bit , it's like your over explaining everything my examples will follow but please I am no defaming your writting just ... trying to get my opinion across .

from verse 1
in darkness it pours, and doesn't let up the pain
I'm lost in clouds, drowning in tears... I find myself sayin I'm sorry
Highlighted bit not needed

next
I need to find my happiness
I don't wanna go on ,no ,NO ( ADDED )

next
I've got to leave this hell hole
I've got to run away
I've got to find some strength in myself - ( I've got to find inner strength )

next
like once an angel in the sky
now just trapped here on the ground - ( trapped where ? maybe trapped in ur frown )

hope you understand and if not disreguard this old fool

question though ? how come it's always sad it's always about love ? try something different like happy ?

cheers

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@stefhy)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 67
Topic starter  

This one isn't necissarily about love for me, Tho its true, I do write sad songs.. It's all that comes out of me, I've tried goin for happy and upbeat quite a few times but they always turn end saddly, or somehow slip into a sadness... Tho I like your ideas and thankyou :) I will definatley take them all into consideration..but ofrnow i must go i will speak to you lter, thanks again..byes.

I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey,

I'm with LK on this one. You over explain, plus, the imagery virtually stops at the end of verse one. From that point on you're just telling us what its like with a number of overused phrases.

Maybe instead of churning out a bunch of songs like you've talked about, stop and rework this one. Serious critique your own work, rewrite, rewrite again. Either merge all your ideas into one great song, or take the time to really develope one idea.

The part about being lost in the clouds was great. Super stuff. My advice would be to expand on this idea. Sit and think about what it would be like to be lost in the clouds. There's so much material in that line alone you could make a beautiful song.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@stefhy)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 67
Topic starter  

I definately agree, I know that the imagery in this one isn't so great, but I wanted to try something that could..well the meanin could vary from person to person.. like LK thought it was about love i think, but for me it has nothin to do with love at all... maybe tosomething else it will be a different meaning...well anyway it was just an idea, and if i havne't quite captured that yet than I'll just have to try again later :P I'm not one to give up easily...
And Thanks for the encouragement, I liked that line myself, but I do find myself using alot of the same material for songs... I have sooo many but alot of them have some of the same lines... what i want to try is to take my favourite lines and meanings from all of mysongs, and maybe just combine it all to make one big mixture of 'excellent' lines.. I doubt it will work but I think that would be oober nifty to try it atleast once and have a song full of good lines...
what you said bout critique my own, well actually this one is just a first draft and i really couldn't see it goin anywhere much, so rather than really reading it over and over again and fixing it, I decided to leave it be and see what you guys said first... It's the same inmy english class, i hate re-readin for 'cops' <--i hopeyou guys know wat im talkin about lol ..so i never did... I think im just lazy :lol:
anyway I find myself over explaining alot, even in life talkin...and replyin to things like this...
thanks for the comments guys i love coments lol yay! talk to you all later :) byes

I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.


   
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