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Words that Remind Me

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(@sjboller)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 61
Topic starter  

Something I've been kicking around with the 'ole "guit-fiddle" ... simple song about hearing bad news and not being close enough to comfort those who need it.

Capo 1st Fret

Am C G Em x2

Am C G Em
Oceans away from you
The water fills your eyes
I hate to see you this way
But this is our situation now

C Em G D
I'd fight to hold back these tears
I think you've been through enough
I'd fight to keep you alive
Love will have to do

Am C G Em
This was so unexpected
It always is ...
Both our lives
Are changing in this room
But I'm oceans away from you

C Em G D
I stop and look awhile
These thoughts grow heavier
I stop and all the while
These words they remind me

Bm G
How I am
They remind me
Of what I've lost

D G C G
But I don't know anymore
Just not anymore

Am C G Em x2


   
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(@stefhy)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 67
 

Another one i really like. It is simple, but not too simple, just nice enough to make it easy to appreciate. I myself really like simple things, and at the end of a song if your listener can totally understand wats goin on, than tht's bonus, but i also think its very worth it to leave them askin questions. i believe that this song did leave me wonderin a bit, and i liked havin it 'draw' me in as it did.Words of advice for this song are none existant from me, I like it the way it is (tho I'm a bit less picky, so i wouldn't rely on me for that lol) But i would just like to say that i loved this part:
I'd fight to keep you alive
Love will have to do

Everyone needs to be loved and there's times when that's all a person can ask for.

I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.


   
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(@manontheside)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 179
 

I think you've done a good job. I'm wondering if you're writing about bad news in general or something specific though. Where you write
"both our lives
are changing from this room"
reminds me of when my grandfather died and the whole family was at the hospital, except one of my aunts (and my grandfathers daughter) as she was on vacation in another country. So, for me, this song would be about a situation similar to that.

There are a few things I'd like to see changed though. In the first verse you write "I hate to see you this way". This doesn't make sense to me unless the oceans that separate you are emotional. So if they are real oceans I'd change that to something like "I'd hate to see you this way" in lack of better suggestions.

In the second verse you use the word fight in both the 1st and the 3rd line. I'd use "struggle" or some other synonym for fight in the first line.

Also
This was so unexpected
Never in the plan
Both our lives
Are changing in this room

I'm having problems with the 2nd line here, I think it's the word "plan" that is giving me a hard time. Might I suggest something like

This was so unexpected
It always is
So many lives
are changing from this room

So, that's what I'd change, but I'm me and you're not :) I think you did a good job, though! Don't forget that :)

"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"


   
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 Taso
(@taso)
Famed Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 2811
 

SJ,
I was curious. Is the ocean an emotional barrier like manontheside suggested as a possibility? Or is it truly about physical distance? Or both?

I think both work, I like both. They are both very touching. Nice lyrics.
I fight to hold back these tears
I think you've been through enough
I'd fight to keep you alive
Love will have to do

Liked that verse the most.

http://taso.dmusic.com/music/


   
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(@sjboller)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 61
Topic starter  

Thanks to everyone who replied to this song. I actually totally forgot about it and was quite (pleasantly) surprised to see it pop up again. I haven't been in the forums for quite a bit due to the fact that life is a b*tch and has been soaking up most of my time.

Manontheside ... some really good solid suggestions there that I will be incorporating. Though, don't know if I will be changing "fight" in that one verse ... if I do it will be to something that rhymes with fight .. it's kind of a lyrical hook that I'm "depending" on ..heh .. in the verse .. same as with "stop" in the later verse ...

However your suggestion of changing "never in the plan" to "It always is" .. I rather enjoyed. That actually sounds better sung as well because it's shorter than the rest of the lines and gives a little more room for the acoustic guitar to punch through. So (ahem) .. I'm glad I wrote it that way. :) :) :)

The song was written half drunk :) after getting off the phone. And for the sake of brevity - it is about Cancer. Well, about finding out someone close to you has it and feeling powerless about that fact. I live and work in Germany though I am American. So, the oceans in my case .. .are quite literal (though it's just ONE ocean). However, I tried writing vague enough so that a listener or "reader" in this case could take it either way. So as it reminded Manontheside about his grandfather ... it could remind someone else of a tragic accident or failed pregnancy, etc.... who knows...

Now I'm about to tread all over another forum topic ... but this sort of ties into the idea of "ownership" of a song.

Anyways, according to some other rules or what not ... I guess that if I should have to explain it to you ... I should rewrite it .. right? :)

Again, thanks for the comments! Cheers.


   
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(@ignar-hillstrom)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 5349
 

No need to change it to have a single obvious story. I like it pretty much, why not record it?


   
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(@manontheside)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 179
 

Yeah, I agree with Arjen. You should record it, I'd love to hear :)

"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"


   
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 Taso
(@taso)
Famed Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 2811
 

Yeah, a lot of song's meanings are kind of iffy. I think I like it that way. And then when you become big and famous, you can say "well actually, it's about ____" and people will go "wow, that is so deep".

I'd love to hear it recorded.

http://taso.dmusic.com/music/


   
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(@sjboller)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 61
Topic starter  

Cool, I'll record it when I get my thoughts together and as soon as the Oktoberfest is over... heh ... this is the worst time of the year!!!

I have it recorded now .. but I really need to do some work on it before I send it out into the public. As it is now .. it would be criminal .. or at the very least .. just plain rude.

Cheers.


   
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