From the back of my blown out head
I say I love you
As the fate's cut my thread
So go on and pull the trigger
As this love is only betrayal
Come on baby just make my day
Tie me to the bed
If that gets the blood flowing through your head
Lets just make this night end
And but bullet in my head
Famous like kurt cobain
You want to be famous like kurt cobain
But instead you're going to blow out your brains
Your life I so small compared to a piece of grain
Lied to and abused
Walking through this life used
Body covered in burses
Full of shame
All always to blame
Your soul and freedom beaten and tamed
This blood turned to tears
As you run away from your fears
Your face steaming with bloody tears
heya,
first off i suggest you re-post these in the Guitarnoise Song Writing Club forum instead of this one, thats where people will critique your songs... i think this forum is more for general questions about the art of songwriting and legal issues, not so much specific songs. you should find plenty of ppl keen to give advice and opinion (perhaps dont put it as a poll though, it limits ppls responses somewhat)
Second, seeing as your new here, try reading these for some excellent tips from Nick, resident guru
https://www.guitarnoise.com/article.php?id=288
https://www.guitarnoise.com/article.php?id=388
which leads finally to, what do i think of the song. the imagery in both of them is very strong, and dark. the songs both lack a bit of structure. when im reading thru the second one it doesnt seem to have a natural rhytm that would make it easy to sing. if you tap your foot and read thru it you will quickly find lines that dont fit. also the lines in the 2nd one feel forced. that is you came up with a rhyming structure and then found words to make it work, instead of letting the words flow naturally...
you've made a good start thou, hopefully those articles will help to. look forward to reading more of your stuff.
sozay
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
I'm going to have to agree with most of what sozay said... The first one was a little more, well constructed. More thought put into it, thought it might not have, I don't know... Just an opinion... Otherwise I think lines are pretty interesting... I enjoyed reading it which doesn't happen with alot of poems or songs... There is almost -I mean almost- some cliche in there but it's nothing that couldnt' be fixed... But i thought it was cool either way... keep it up!!!
Blaine Adams
thanx!!!! :lol:
