Tell me what you think about it.
Words like Razor Blades
There's always that point in your life where you die,
Everything you thought was truth turns out to be a lie..
You're hands held mine so closely for all of that time;
I never thought anything like this was waiting in that line..
All those words I whispered, and all of my feelings I screamed,
Could never amount, to the hell that I've recently seen..
I feel like I've turned my back on you, I turned on myself..
I feel like I've made the wrong choices, Like I'm someone else..
I feel like a liar, I feel like everything I do is out of indeceny,
I just feel like there could be something more to give and to recieve..
It still hurts me to see you smile, you smile now as I cry
It still kills me to hear you laugh, you laughed when I died..
I've cut the ties and severed myself from everything that I lost;
This is my new beggining, this is my solitude-
This is now who I am; this is my only way to survive..
I feel like I've turned my back on you, I turned on myself..
I feel like I've made the wrong choices, Like I'm someone else..
I feel like a liar, I feel like everything I do is out of indeceny,
I just feel like there could be something more to give and to recieve..
I've hurt for so long, my own words we're like razors blades..
Ripping in me, tearing in me, this feelings will never end..
Bleeding in me, killing in me, these scars will never mend..
And after all of this is said and done..I still can only think..
Of everything I've done to you..and what you meant to me
My words are razor blades..they'll cut at me for the rest of my days
My words are like razor blades..they'll cut me until my end of days..
Can anybody help me here..please? :?
critique?
hi there TheESPprophecy
Well since no-one else wants to have a go I will , you have a making of a very good song with a little tweeking here and there .
It would flow better if some words were actually left out for example
your line :
All those words I whispered, and all of my feelings I screamed
I would leave out All of and just have and my feelings I screamed
when sung draw the (I ) out as in " and my feelings I...... screamed
Just little things like that I would work on apart from that I like it
this only my opinion and I do not to sound like I know everything beause I don't ( far from it ) :wink:
Cheers
L.K :arrow:
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
ESP,
Yeah going on what LK said I might change this
I feel like I've turned my back on you, I turned on myself..
I feel like I've made the wrong choices, Like I'm someone else..
I feel like a liar, I feel like everything I do is out of indeceny,
I just feel like there could be something more to give and to recieve..
to
I've turned my back on you and myself
Made wrong choices, like someone else
Everything I do out of indecency
Got to give more than to receive
Just a suggestion. I felt like there was too many "I feel" It's hard to know what the song is like without music so it is probably just fine the way it is.
Ripping in me, tearing in me, this feelings will never end..
Bleeding in me, killing in me, these scars will never mend..
I feel emotion coming from this part of the song. Happy writing. G. :)
PS, I want to know what the "hell" is that you've recently seen? Where does it go from there to turning your back?
Lots of emotions here, I liked the lyrics very much. I'd say you did a good job. I'll try to point out the things I'd like to be "better", might even come with a suggestion.
Talking of suggestions, rocketgirls was good, especially the first line, I was trying to come up with something similar, but the words just cluttered.
However, I'd change it some more.
Something like
I've turned my back on you and myself
Made wrong choices, like I'm someone else
Everything I do is out of indecency
I want more to give and more than to receive
This verse is good, but I think it would work better if you removed some words, like lotto kings suggestion.
Like this perhaps?
I've hurt for so long, my own words were like razors blades..
Ripping.... and tearing...., these feelings... never end..
Bleeding.... killing me, these scars will never mend..
And after all of this is said and done..I still only think..
Of everything I've done to you..and what you meant to me
Hope this is of any help to ya, keep up the good work :)
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
