(wrote this song when i was bored) what do u think?

i don't really understand the father reference. all i can think of is the gunslinger series by stephen king.

I think this needs to be made clearer. :lol: G.

Hey,

You've definitely captured the feeling of being betrayed. There's an emotion here that is palpable. I bet that comes across in the singing too.

However, I have to agree with everyone else, it's vague to the point that we can't relate. There seems to be a woman, and a father, and the singer all involved in the story, but I'm not sure how they relate. My best guess is the singer's adopted, the woman is the biological mother, and the father is the adoptive father who somehow has purposefully ruined things between the mother and son.

I think the title is misleading. The singer is the one being betrayed, yet it is his feelings that we get to feel. The trator's feelings are never really considered, he is just screamed at.

You don't have to make the story itself clearer, necessarily, but letting the listener know the motivations of the characters is a necessary, but missing, component of this song. The singer is feeling betrayed, but what about the other two characters?

I know its hard to remove yourself from a story enough to write about it objectively enough to communicate real emotion with the listener, but I think that's what is needed here.

Good start. Good luck.

P.S.: Don't be afraid to get involved with other people's songs. Taking the time to critique other's work will give you a great frame of reference from which to create your own stuff.

Here's another one of yours that look like something mudvyne would write. Their song 'Seed' to be more specific. It looks like your dad left you (I can relate.) I like songs that aren't direct. Whenever I'm feeling down I can listen to a song and relate the words to myself. I related to this song a lot because my dad used to be abusive before he left, so I have a lot of angry songs about this experience. I thought this song was way better than your other one here in the songwriting club. Maybe some more imagery is needed. Keep going at it and, as always, keep it up!