You don't live here anymore ( edited )

Hey Trevor,
I like this a lot, very poignant for me right now, as you know, what with my father-in-law 's recent passing. I can imagine my mother-in-law in just this situation, you've captured the feeling very well. In her case there was also the sudden realisation that all their shared possesions were hers now including all the responsibility that went with that. Something alluding to that might work in there quite well too.
Good work mate

Paul

Once again you prove just how far you've come with your writing Trev.

This is a great piece, a sensitive subject that you've covered really well. The fact that you don't find out that is about a passing until the second verse adds the "oof" factor to it, which in this case really helps to bring home to impact of the subject you are writing about.

Great stuff.

Pete

Thanks for the feed back ..

Sorry about your loss Paul and I hope this did not stir your emotions up mate ..

Pete thanks also mate ..

I was looking to write a song about a suject that isn't covered by main stream ...

I wanted to make it personal but not a euolgy ...

Thanks

Trevor

ps Pbee 5 more posts :lol: :lol: :lol:

Trevor
Sorry about your loss Paul and I hope this did not stir your emotions up mate ..

no worries, emotions are good, thats what song writing is all about

(only 4 now :lol: )

Pete said "Once again you prove just how far you've come with your writing Trev." I agree 100% - this is a very well-crafted piece, it IS a tricky subject but you've covered it beautifully.

One TINY thing - this line "And we shed so many tears" has no obvious counterpoint, to highlight the fact you shared good times as well as sad...maybe something like "We shared the laughter and the tears" might work a little better?

Keep up the good work mate!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

So close to my goal ...

Thanks for that and your right I have re-read this and no mention of any good times ...

It's good to have goals - but what do you do when you've achieved them? Sit back on your laurels, comtemplating your navel fluff with a smug grin? No - keep striving for perfection, It may be unattainable - but at least that way you'll never stop trying!!!

Might be a good exercise to compare this song to your earliest work - those of us who read your songs on a regular basis can see how far you've progressed, it might be good for your old ego to check out your earlier stuff and compare it to what you're writing now....

And just in case you're wondering, I've never yet written a song that I'm 100% happy with - there's always that "but...." isn't there.......

Keep 'em coming Trev, you're getting there....

:D :D :D

Vic

Thnks Vic ..

"Sit back on your laurels,
comtemplating your navel fluff
with a smug grin?"

Ohhh I just got to use that somewhere

Hey trever
The changes you made were good but you know me I just couldnt help it as I sang it I made a few changes/additions that you may or may not like

Take care
Mystic

I have added a verse after Vics' post and a bridge ....they are in red and also took the ending chorus ..There was 3 now only 2 ...

You don't live here anymore
But I just can not bring myself (flipped I and Just around)
To gather your things from the floor
All your pictures still on the shelf

We shared our lives for many years
We were married on your birthday
And we shed so many tears
I always thought your love was the way
the beggining and the ending of each day >>>>> ADDED

But you don't live here anymore
You don't live here anymore
No you don't live here anymore

We would laugh and share (a joke) >>>>>>>I would take this out and put the next line in [color]
never feel the need to fill the silence in the air
I can still picture your smileing face
Doctors told you not to smoke
So elegant with your airs and graces >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>do u mean errors not airs

Raised our children with your love
Feelings of hurt I am not above

But you don't live here anymore
You don't live here anymore
No you don't live here anymore

I found you in our bed
Looking lovely I kissed you
Laying peacfully nothing said
You felt cold as I held you

You passed away in your sleep
Why did you leave me all alone
My emotions run so deep
Constant ringing on the phone

My body still shakes and tears shed
I don't want to carry on
without your love I can't find my way >>>>>>>ADDED
My eyes hurt, shade of blood shed red
Never dreamed you'd be gone

But you don't live here anymore
You don't live here anymore
No you don't live here anymore

But you don't live here anymore
You don't live here anymore
No you don't live here anymore

Very good Hilch. I was a bit suprised when I came across the "passed away in your sleep" verse though, it strikes me as being a bit too literal. It's just my own preference I know, but I like to hear things like that left unsaid. Up until then it had been open to interpretation if the subject had died, left, changed and fallen out of love etc.

I think that kind of thing is good for making something memorable too, as people tend to forget things once they are straight in their head. Even if they're fairly certain, they're still running through it in their heads trying to get it straight. Like a cliff-hanger that never gets resolved.

Just my $0.02 :wink:

Hey thanks for the feed back Mystic

Airs means manners intended to impress others , basically Kings and Queens airs and graces ..Hope that helps I really like your add ons to this piece ..

Misanthrope :

Thanks for your $0.02 worth every bit helps ..
Yeah your probably right it if it is not spelt out to the listener
{ when I can record it }
Would be open to interpretation , lost love ect ...
Good point ...But I want to write about a a loved one who passed away as it happens every day and very few writters attempt to do it ..

Brad Paisleys' "Whiskey Lullaby" does come to mind and I'm sure there are others , But this is more about me learning ....

Thank you all for your informative and positive feed back

Trevor