Heartbreak Hotel...

Man that sux. I've been through the divorce thing, not quite as bad as you, but I know the feelings.

It's tough because I know during that time and when I broke up with the girl I dated after being divorced I was in no mood to do anything. I wasn't playing guitar at the time but I was playing alot of sports including golf and I basically just stopped doing everything. I just had no desire to do any thing even the things I loved to do.

I'm not a very strong person emotionally so I couldn't do this but the really best thing to try and do is occupy yourself with any and every activity that you can. The less idle time you have to sit around thinking about how you could have done this or should have done that, just forget about it and move on with your life. I know it's easier said than done, but you just have to.

Unfortunately when you sit around being depressed and miserable the only one that suffers is you and it becomes kind of liek a catch 22, the worse you feel the less you want to do things, which leads to more depression etc.

So get out there and live, keep your mind busy and I know you probably don't want to hear this but I personally think you need to find a woman, doesn't have to be the woman of your dreams or anything and go on a few dates.

If you can muster some energy play guitar it'll help too. I remember when I broke up with my girlfriend I was pretty devastated and the first song I learned was a song called "Prayer to God" by a band called Shellac. I found the lyrics helped release the emotions I was feeling. It's a song about a breakup from the male point of view. I will warn you it has a few expletives in it but that's the essence of the song it wouldn't be the same with out it.

Hang in there man, it is true, time heals all wounds.

Whatever you do try not to sit around thinking about why did this happen, how could she do this to me, the only one that will be suffering is you.

more or less I was in the same boat as you. no kids tho...whew.

I know how you feel. talking to a professional (instead of us formites) will empower you. it really helps.
it is a long road you are on. there is no easy way.
cheered up yet?
sorry. it's the truth.
still, you will benefit and come out on top if you look at your situation right in the eye.
she's the one that cheated. Im assuming you were not a cheater.

your values are intact. so good for you.

I continued to play my guitar. even tho I was depressed.

oh, it got worse. a few months after she left I had to intervene on my father. he developped alzheimers and was acting up. had to take care of him.

so I found the perfect song. I had been playing it for years, but with my new experiences new meanings came out of the song and definately effected my playing for the better.
the song is Love In Vain.
tears flowed sometimes. boy that song played great.
I felt better afterwards ...until the next thought came back to haunt me.

this was five years ago. I doing really good now.

so if I can so can YOU.

Sounds like it's time to join a band and gather a group of young groupy chicks! 8)

OK, not really, but as said above the best thing you can do is get on with your life. By sitting around feeling sorry for yourself you are still allowing your ex to have power over you, even as indirectly as it is. She's still controling your thoughts and emotions and that's not a good thing.

Find some local guys and start jamming with them or something. Anything to keep yourself occupied. I know it sounds difficult, but time will heal.

I know, I've got two kids and have gone through a divorce myself. I'm now MUCH better off in every single way possible. You will be too, in time.

Good luck!!!

I am sorry to hear that man, seriously - I have been through the divorce thing and there isn't anything easy about it. I had two small kids as well and it was just unbearable at teh beginning. But somebody - I don't know if it was a therapist or a girlfriend or somebody said to me "It usually takes a year to recover." I don't know why but I latched onto that and for that entire year I kept myself ultra-busy. Started doing my MBA, went and hung out with friends, went on some dates even though I knew they wouldn't go anywhere, went to the movies, traveled. Whatever I had to do to make it through the day and at least smile or laugh once was the goal. Next thing I knew, a year had passed and I felt better....way better than I had before the divorce and it just keeps getting better.

See, my ex wanted the divorce too - out of the blue, no explanation - after eight years together. Not willing to work on it, nothing, just get out. So I went from being a home owner to apartment living and living check to check because I was paying so much support and alimony, but I made. You will too. Find some friends, pass the time, and work on staying focused. If you want me to be really shallow and male about it, which is what I had to do at one point, I looked at it as an opportunity for new and interesting women. Makes a hell of a lot shallower than it was, but if that's what it takes to make it through, then that's what it takes.

Just don't do anything to hurt yourself or anyone around you. Other than that, there are no rules. You will recover.

I hope this doesn't sound callous because I have had heartbreak myself and I know how bad it feels.
Use it. Write down your feelings that you are going through and eventually make a song out of it.
Some of the biggest hits have been spawned from personal tragedy.
When you express things directly from your heart people will want to listen to it because so many others have had similar experiences and they can connect on a much higher level.

sorry to hear what has happened. although i have been married for 22+ years, i came from a broken family and i know how hard divorce is on everyone involved.

my mother remarried 4 times and my father remarried 3 times altogether i've had 7 different combinations of parents with 4 step-sisters and 2 step brothers.

the advice previously given is pretty much what i would also suggest as far as keeping busy and motivated towards making the best for the future.
i'm not so sure i would suggest getting into a band right away unless it's a "healthy" atmosphere. (avoid drinking and recreational drugs)

i realise it sounds prudish but i have slipped into substance abuse myself while trying to weather trying times and it only makes things worse.

good luck, and try to stay positive.

I feel for you man.

My only advice is to get active, keep yourself busy and maybe even try something new that you've always wanted to do. Whatever you do, don't just stay at home alone and keep thinking about things.

After this initial shock phase, you'll start to come to terms with the situation and then you can start to take stock.

"Always go through life at 100 miles per hour. That way when you hit a ditch you just plough through and keep on rolling."

Stay strong for the kids.
Mart.

Very sorry to hear, I know exactly how you feel, I came home from work one day to find the house empty all that was left was a tv and a chair and my dog, I was shaking inside when I saw the empty house, was very hard, then she calls me and says she don't want a divorce so I still had her kids on my insurance, about 1 year later I got served the divorce papers and felt even more used, few months later her son comes over to see me and tells me she has been sleeping with tons of guys and he can't stand her, he told me I was a good person and comming from her own son made me feel good and helped put closure to it all, he also told me not to be afraid and go out and try and meet a new girl he told me not all are like his mom this kid is 17 years old but to me far more mature than his mother will ever be, We were together for 9 years and I raised her 2 kids from an early age she always told me that her kids did not like me well I found out different, My guitar and alot of songs helped me alot during that first year and her son realy helped me I can honestly say I love that kid he comes over once in awhile and I have been teaching him some things on guitar, he never tells his mom that he comes to see me. Again very sorry to hear it is a very painfull thing to go through keep playing your guitar and listen to songs some of them will relate to what you feel and then you realize your not alone somebody else feels the same way and wrote a song about it, Good luck to you and try hard to not think about her I know it is not easy.

I can relate to that, sounds exactly like the end of my first marriage...but Missileman is on the right track, what you have to do is turn a negative into a positive,,,,write about it.....it may take you a while to get over the trauma, but just jot down some random thoughts....I promise you, you'll get a good song out of it!!!!

I'm sorry for you and your loss, what you have to do is pick up on the old blues cliche (and it's only a cliche because it's true!) - "A woman is just a woman, but a guitar will never let you down".....

No smileys here, wouldn't be appropriate....

Vic

(PS Hope things work out for you....)

That sound so hard. I hope things pick up.

My wife's been a psych for 30 years so I asked her if she had any quick tips about rebuilding.

She said that after any major life traumas the best tactic is often to work on the little things first rather than try and go for more big jumps. Build on the small comforting everyday rituals that actually sustain us more than we realise.

So, with people who have had major strokes, physical traumas, or various life shattering events, the rebuilding often starts with familiar routines. Literally the making cups of tea, or dressing in certain ways or whatever. Then build upwards from that. Apparently huge "completely clean slate" ideas may seem appealing, but changes are usually best handled one step at a time. By all means make some more big changes, but try and ground yourself by touching some familiar bases first. Of course, friends, family, work, etc. but don't overlook value of the simple everyday stuff too.

I hope this makes sense, second hand advice can sometimes get a bit muffled by the time it's been processed through an amateur like me.

As other have said, it wil pass but it will take time.

So sorry for your pain David. Just remember that even though it doesn't feel like it right now, it will get better. I've been in the same boat also, and I see a few of our guitar loving comrades can relate too, and used to get so ticked off when people would say that to me, but it is true. It's especially hard when you have kids. I'd miss mine like crazy. You never know what's in store for you though. Both my kids live with me now, but there were a few years of just seeing them every other weekend that I went through also. Hang in there buddy! We all know it's hard, but you can do it. Focus on the things that will get you through the day. Pick up your guitar, even if you don't feel like it, and play a tune. It's good therapy. I think most musicians are very emotional people, especially guitarists for some reason, so don't hold your emotions in, but don't let them get the best of you either. I echo the advice about staying strong for your kids. Keep the faith! I pray for better days for you man.

Takes some balls to come on here and tell it like that. I admire you for doing so.

Seek out freinds, not hangers on, proper freinds. If they are real freinds they will help you through this. There will be times when you wonder what life is all about, wonder what's happened to you, and wonder what your future direction is.

The answer to the last one....its down to you. One thing I have learned in life, there is always a positive side to everything, just sometimes it doesn't seem it.

Use this time, once your head is straight, to do a few things you've always wanted to do. Go sleep under the stars for a few nights. See how amazing this world is - we are just little people here, that get caught up in thinking we rule the roost. We don't. What's happened to you is truly awful, but you need a way to get your own perspective on it.

I lived alone for 2 years a while ago after sharing a home and bed with someone for 14 years. It was difficult, sure. But after a few weeks, i realised that life truly is what you make it. It inspired me to get off my butt, stop feeling sorry for myself - and to learn the guitar. Yup. That's what started me off.

I truly wish you all the luck possible, but remember your destiny is in your hands, sure grieve for what's happened but keep moving forward.

oh, and they are your kids as well buddy!

Matt

I don't have anywhere near the life experience the people above me have, but like Matt said it takes balls to open yourself up like that and to share your personal difficulties with us.
I'm still a young guy 24 and met a friend the same age as me. He got married about 2 years ago maybe a little more.

Last year April he lost his wife of less than 2 years in motorcycle accident, they were a couple of days away from their anniversary she was only 20.

I can't imagine what he must have gone through in his thoughts and what YOU must be feeling right now but – this – right here what you're doing is a step in getting your feelings out and talking about them.
All I can do is to repeat what others have said, keep yourself busy it will help pass time.
Join the Gym I find that a great way to get your mind of things, and it will also make you feel better about yourself. Surround yourself with other family or Close friends that you can confide in – don't bottle things up.

Something I find that works very well is try and control your thought process, prevent your mind from wandering onto things you supposedly did or didn't do or should have done. She was selfish and irresponsible not You.

This will surely be very difficult for your kids and you have to be strong for them.

And play that guitar.

Best

Minus Human

I don't have anywhere near the life experience the people above me have, but like Matt said it takes balls to open yourself up like that and to share your personal difficulties with us.
I'm still a young guy 24 and met a friend the same age as me. He got married about 2 years ago maybe a little more.

Last year April he lost his wife of less than 2 years in motorcycle accident, they were a couple of days away from their anniversary she was only 20.

I can't imagine what he must have gone through in his thoughts and what YOU must be feeling right now but – this – right here what you're doing is a step in getting your feelings out and talking about them.
All I can do is to repeat what others have said, keep yourself busy it will help pass time.
Join the Gym I find that a great way to get your mind of things, and it will also make you feel better about yourself. Surround yourself with other family or Close friends that you can confide in – don't bottle things up.

Something I find that works very well is try and control your thought process, prevent your mind from wandering onto things you supposedly did or didn't do or should have done. She was selfish and irresponsible not You.

This will surely be very difficult for your kids and you have to be strong for them.

And play that guitar.

Best

Minus Human