This fell into my Inbox over the weekend
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort f: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator is chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whisky glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. The Mall
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. No matter how tragic your life is: if you're rich enough to own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry!!!!!
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk
R we supposed to remember all this?
:shock:
Bish
"I play live as playing dead is harder than it sounds!"
I woke up this morning, and i was in a terrible mood. I was broke and hungry and I didnt know what to do... T-bone walker? im guessing.
Thinkin' bout the times we had
Some were good and some were bad
guitar fightin' the tv
i was thinkin bout you and me
R we supposed to remember all this?
:shock:
Heck, no - copy it into your wordpro
Best,
A :-)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk
Come on, I've got a computer, but I think I can sing the blues.
My ex ran off. She got the kids and all my money. Still gettin my money 10 years later.
I saw a man get shot at a house of prostitution once. LONG story, but I was not or ever have been a customer of these establishments.
I've had holes in both my shoes once. Everytime it rained or snowed, my feet got wet.
I had to walk to school everyday when I was a kid. Can't lie about it being in the snow though, I lived in Florida.
Let's see... If I had to have a Blues name by your formula.... hmmm...
Cross-eyed Tomato Lincoln
A tomato is a fruit you know. 8)
If you know something better than Rock and Roll, I'd like to hear it - Jerry Lee Lewis
Can you qualify if you like drank Snapple once and didn't like it or have been in a mall and didn't like that either. I just need to know the answer so I am not wasting my time learning to play the blues.
I guess I just answered my own question. You can't LEARN the blues you have to BE the blues 8)
By the way, nice accurate list
EDIT: Needed a name Gimp leg Bananas Johnson
OH YEA BABY!!!
Lets see, I like cheap wine ( with a cork) , Espresso( strong black coffee), I love whisky in my coffee :D didn't start my 401 K till i was 48, I wake up in the afternoon( i work nights), You CAN sing about a Hummer http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=213596&songID=1488883 (its the new Cadillac) . The bank owns my computer, I'm just helping them out :roll: --Mad Dog Clinton
You CAN sing about a Hummer
LOL Not if your talking about an automobile.
I qualify for the blues. I am uGlY. :twisted:
Now I just need a name
Geoo
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
ive been partial to the name "Blind Willie McGee" even though Willie isn't a fruit, and McGee isn't a president.
but if i have to go by the criteria, make me Limpin' Lemon Jefferson
phew !!! alan a big post.
"Pimply Raspberry Bush "
Hmmm doesn't really work does it......
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
I'd go for "Impotent Banana Williams" (not a Pres, but if I decided to try rap I could easily make the change to "Droop Willy")
I'll possibly enter my "Deadman's Blues" in the SSG, sometime:
I didn't wake up this morning..........
I started with nothing - and I've still got most of it left.
Did you know that the word "gullible" is not in any dictionary?
Greybeard's Pages
My Articles & Reviews on GN
What happened to the "Your Real Blues Name" thread? I think Twisted Fingers posted it originally, then Pet replied with a "True Blues La Femme" thread...can't find either of them....
Pet? TF?
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Wow,
Ugly Orange Kennedy.
I can't sing the blues. I'm pretty content with life. Buddy Guy: "If you don't have the blues, just keep on living"
A hoopy frood knows where his towel is....
:D
Great names, but....
I can't help wondering how a certain guy managed to play blues with a name like ERIC! :wink:
Looking through a list of 100 great blues guitarists I could see several Roberts, more than one each of Albert, Steve, and John. There was even a Clarence and a couple of Chris's for goodness sake!
How on earth did those guys make the cut with names like that!! :? :wink: