I know this is probably cross-posting, but since not many people seem to visit the songwriters forum I'd like to point some attention towards my post there. It's about the lyrics of two of two songs we play with the band and we really could use some honest and constructive feedback.
http://forums.guitarnoise.com/viewtopic.php?t=17031
Quite a few other people who would welcome your comments on their songs too. Thanks!
I like them both but would like to hear them with music for perspective.
In "When Flowers Come" 3rd verse:
"But you didn't had to use my feelings all along" is there a typo? should it be "didn't have to use" ?
Like I said maybe it fits differently with the music and it is a matter of perspective.
Overall I like both songs, When Flowers Come I like a little better.
What exactly would be the difference between them? Both are in the past and I'm a bit lost as to the difference between them two. Stuff like this is exactly why we posted it, thanks for the feedback. :D
It deals with pronouns vs nouns as far as I can tell. Sometimes it's difficult to explain to someone who does not speak it as a native language.
Ex. I(pronoun) have to go to the store
The store(noun) had to close down.
We have to get a pint.
The brewery had to send more beer because of us.
(in your case)
You don't have to eat stale pretzles because they're here.
The pretzles had to be thrown away because they were stale.
I'll try to see if my fiance' can come on and take a look. She's actually an English major, and if she has the time I'm sure she wouldnt mind helping in the least. It doesnt have to be perfect (people use slang terms in songs every day), but I understand the concern to make it understandable.
Our songs also have the standard pop format: Verse, chorus, verse, chorus, solo, bad solo. All in all, I think we sound like The Knack and the Bay City Rollers being molested by Black Flag and Black Sabbath.
Kurt Cobain
Both songs expressed feelings but for me the 1st song seemed to tell more of a story, It painted a picture that put images in my head and would take the listener to another place.
The second song really didn't build an image. It seems to rely more on emotion.
Like I said I like both songs, but the 1st one took me to a place with cloudy skies, in a field, in the spring (I know it didn't really name a season but that image came up anyway, maybe because of the flowers and birds) while I was in that place you laid the emotions on me.(and it even rained while I was there)
Arjen, I agree with Missleman..'have' would be more grammatically correct than 'had' used in this way. Depends on what is before it.
I had. I have.
You had. You have.
I did not have.
You did not have.
:)
If it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing.
There are a couple of other lines that jump out at me. Nothing serious, and I'd like to hear it with music as well before I make a judgement.
Is: Yeah it hurts….to be so close with you
Maybe should be: Yeah it hurts….to be so close TO you
(not a big enough difference to matter though...I think that's from having to help my fiance' proofread her papers)
Is: Was thinking…my pride too big for you
Maybe should be: Was thinking…IS (was?) my pride too big for you
(Again, not a big thing...it just leaves me wondering what tense the phrase should be in)
Is: All I can say I never did
Maybe should be: All I can say IS (IS THAT?) I never did
None of these are big or even important to the complete understanding of the phrases, much less the songs, however you may want to look into them anyway.
If I'm being to anal about things, someone let me know. I know I'm not right in the head sometimes.
Our songs also have the standard pop format: Verse, chorus, verse, chorus, solo, bad solo. All in all, I think we sound like The Knack and the Bay City Rollers being molested by Black Flag and Black Sabbath.
Kurt Cobain
Nop, it's cool. These three things you mentioned were all subject of some discussion between me and the piano-player, with whom I wrote the song. The last two of your examples are like that because those extra words don't fit. It drives me totally nuts but he claims noone will ever notice. While he could be right with that as long as Dutch people listen to it I myself don't want to take the easy way just because we don't speak the language. I do have a rough recording but it wouldn't do the band much justice and I know some of us don't like it to be all over the net.
Is: Yeah it hurts….to be so close with you
Maybe should be: Yeah it hurts….to be so close TO you
that should fit, as it's the same number of syllables...just sing it quickly/slowly based on the length of the words. here are my suggestions for the other parts:
All I can say I never did -8 syllables
And I can say I never did- 8 syllables
Was thinking…my pride too big for you -9 syllables
I've been thinkin' my pride was too big-9 syllables
Guitarin' isn't a job, so don't make it one.
I like My Pride a lot Arjen.
As for that line "close with you" or "close to you" I think "close with you" works better. They both work in modern English, but "with you" provides for closeness that is related to dating, love, and relationships. The "to you" does this as well, but less than the "with you", "to you" gives me more of a proximity feeling.
And yeah, I think in the 2+ years I've been with guitarnoise, I've looked at that forum maybe twice. Never really peaked my interest, probably because I'm not writing any songs yet. (Also because I find it difficult to let someone know how I feel about lyrics without the music.)
Hi Arjen,
IMO, for what its worth both Taso and missileman are correct and I wouldn't change anything else. Both are good songs and I would like to hear them.
The only thing that keeps me from realising my full potential is the depressing awareness that it wouldn't take much time or effort...
Taso/missileman/Rik: at first I wrote that line as 'to you', but the pianist changed it for the reasons Taso mentioned to 'with you'.
All I can say I never did -8 syllables
And I can say I never did- 8 syllables
cool, indeed better and fits perfectly. Will suggest it to the rest.
Both are good songs and I would like to hear them.
Will try to get a proper recording of a few of our songs together so you can all listen for yourself how it all fits. Thanks a bunch already for the comments everyone, much appreciated. 8)
