As I mentioned before, I am going to a songwriting conference in a little over a month. Each person gets a song critiqued by an industry label person who works in Contemporary Christian Music. Well, I dont want to send my song to them with obvious flaws but I am looking for anyone that will really drill this song hard and let me know what I should add, change, fix.. likes, dislikes.. in terms of lyrical content, understandability, etc. Levels, tone... etc
The kicker is that I need to mail this off Monday.
You can find the song on my Soundclicksite and it is the one called "I Tell You The Truth"
I appreciate the advice in advance.
Jim
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
...and you won't hate me in the morning?
Nice, catchy, engaging, singable - I thought the intro was too long though.
...and you won't hate me in the morning?
Not at all. Might not use ALL your advice.. but if I wanted to hear. THAT GREAT... I would just go look myself in the mirror. Seriously, they are going to nick pick it anyway... I just dont want them nickpicking the obvious.
Jim
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
Nice, catchy, engaging, singable - I thought the intro was too long though.
Would some electric lead in the spacey parts help or do you think I should shorten it.
Jim
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
Nice, catchy, engaging, singable - I thought the intro was too long though.
Would some electric lead in the spacey parts help or do you think I should shorten it.
Jim
I'd still shorten the intro, I think - but yeah, some lead or a catchy riff would also be good for the voiceless parts, even in the shortened intro.
Here's my honest opinion:
Intro-shorten it
Vocal Melody-Good. I liked it.
Lyrics-I didn't actually listen to them, I was going for more of an overall analysis.
Overall-I think it was musically "boring."
I think it could use a catchy riff and definitely, in my opinion, lower the bass levels and the "shaker" levels. It's a very good start but it needs more to get my attention.
"How could you possibly be scared of being bad? Once you get past that, it's all beautiful." -Trey Anastasio
Here's my honest opinion:
quote]Excellent advice.. Thank you
Jim
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
If we're going to analyze it, we'll need the lyrics. This is what I heard, feel free to correct if anything is wrong.
If I told them that you walk on stormy waters
If I told them that you are the bread of life
If I told them that you came in my heart, into my life
would they scold me and say you never healed the lepers
will they hate me and say you never cured the blind
would they run away, out of sight and out of mind
I'd tell you the truth
you're a child of heaven
I'd tell you the truth
you're a friend of mine
I'd tell you the truth
somehow, every knee shall bend
every head shall bow
if I told them that you are my lovely savior
if I told them that you are the son of God
if I told them that you will truly fight for us all
will they laugh and say there's nothing in the heavens
will they scream my way that you were just a lie
will they beat me up, pray will they come and take my life
(x3):
I'd tell you the truth
you're a child of heaven
I'd tell you the truth
you're a friend of mine
I'd tell you the truth
somehow, every knee shall bend
every head shall bow
(last variation: every head will bow)
First, I dig songs that mention lepers. The lepers don't get enough play in modern society, nice job.
I don't know if the intro is to long so much as it's too long without any real instrumentation in there. It seems long, but it's really only just :25 or so seconds. The song is kind of boring from a musical standpoint, it could certainly benefit from a little spicing up here and there. It doesn't even have to be a completely separate and defined riff, maybe just a turnaround in between sets of chords. You could also have a turnaround on drums. I don't know, it's up to you to decide what you would like and what is too much for what the song is intended to be. However, I think the track would definitely be spiced up with a sparse electric lick thrown in here and there.
Though at the same time, a guy like Dylan was fine with just an acoustic guitar. But I think since you add bass/drums, it takes it to another level and it needs more. It might just sound better without those extra instruments and just plain acoustic guitar, I don't know.
As far as the lyrics are concerned, I'd personally changed "I'd tell you the truth" to "I'll tell you the truth" -- and maybe that's what the lyric actually is, but it's hard to truly make out. When I hear "I'd tell you the truth" followed by one of your truths, and than I hear "I'd tell you the truth" again it personally made me go "Well, you just did." The word I'll brings it a little more continuity in my opinion.
I'm not too sure about the "somehow" in there, either. My personal interpretation of it seems a bit cryptic, like "somehow" could mean "by any means necessary." I don't think that was the intent, though. You could do without it, or even say "somehow every knee shall bend" as opposed to the pause in between somehow and every.
The chorus gets repetitive, especially towards the end. Maybe create a variation on it using the same template. So at the end of the song you'd use the one you've got now first, than slip in the variation, than end it with the one you've got now.
I'll let ya' know if I think of anything else, good luck on the songwriters convention.
Used to be, was a part of me felt like hiding.. but now it comes through. Comes through to you.
Maybe I'm not the best person to critique this, I'm not a practising Christian - although I was brought up R/C, so I do have some insight....
First off, you've got a good catchy riff, it's well sung and nicely played. Could do with some fill-ins though - maybe some clean electric guitar.
Secondly, the lyrics.....try and think of the song as a one-on-one conversation with a friend.....first of all you're asking him IF I told you this - then you're posing the question, IF they told you that - seems to me the chorus could start "I'll tell you the truth" - the future tense seems more positive than the present tense, because in the first two sections (the "IF" parts) you're wondering about something that MIGHT happen in the future.....
Thirdly, presentation....if you have to submit a lyric sheet, tidy up your spelling and punctuation a little....leper, not leaper....you're a child of heaven (not YOUR).....there's nothing in the heavens (not THERES).....I almost mentioned savior as well, but I think that's the US spelling - in England it's "saviour." Looks wrong to me, but then so does "favorite" and "flavor".......favourite and flavour.
Hope you understand I'm playing Devil's Advocate here - pun intended - but I think you've got a good song, just needs a little polishing and fine tuning. You wouldn't send a Ferrari to a car show with dirty hubcaps, would you!?!
Good luck - hope the song does well. Your big selling point is your sincerity and your belief - they comes across in the vocals, they sound as if they come from the heart - and any music that comes from the heart is good music!!!! I think you deserve to do well with this one! Fingers crossed.....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
If we're going to analyze it, we'll need the lyrics.
Good point.. Here they are:If I told them that you, walked on stormy water
If I told them that you, are the bread of life
And if told them you came in my heart
into my life
Would they scold me and say, you never healed the leaper
Will they hate me and say, you never cured the blind
Would they run away, out of sight out of mind
I tell you the truth, your a child of heaven
I tell you the truth, you are a friend of mine
I tell you the truth, somehow
Every knee shall bend, every head will bow
But if I told them that you, are my loving savior
if I told them that you, are the Son of God
and if I told them that you were crucified
for us all
Would they laugh and say theres nothing in the heavens
Will they scream my way, that you were just a lie
Would they beat me I pray, would they come and take my life
"I tell you the truth" is a very common theme for Jesus in the New Testament. So, the song is written from the standpoint of a new Christian saying, "Man, I know I should go out and spread the Gospel... but if I do there are song bad things can happen to me" Alot of us feel scared or nervous when expressing out religious convictions.. So, the first part of each verse is what the character thinks he should be doing, the second part is his fear. The chorus is Jesus reply, taken from the Bible, reassuing that its all going to be OK.
The word somehow is paused mostly so that it fits rythmically with the song. "Every knee shall bend, every head will bow" is taken from the Bible as well. Albeit loosly translated. Its a phrase i have head all through out my life as well.
I really appreciate the detailed comments alot. I dont know that I can or will use them all. But, for example, enough said that the beginning was too long that I shortened it.
This is meant to be a congregational song... not really something played on the radio.. Although KLOVE and some liked it might would play something similar..
As for boring... man that gives me an ouchy.. but I still appreciate the honesty. I am trying to figure out what I can do in a couple days.. to make it not so... We'll see
Jim
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
I meant boring coming from a musician perspective, and in particular a guitarist's. Any song that is just a series of chords can be boring to play (at least for me) and has the potential to be boring to hear. Sure a guy like Buddy Guy can come around and with the pure soul in the sound of his voice make the song interesting, or a guy like Bob Dylan can form a song with just his lyrics alone.. but not everyone can do that.
The lyrical content of your song is probably interesting to a devout Christian, but for me, not so much. That, coupled with the vanilla guitar lends to my feeling that it doesn't really stand out. But try throwing in a couple turnaround licks in there, I think it'd help a lot.
The vocals aren't necessarily my cup of tea, but you've certainly got 'em.
Used to be, was a part of me felt like hiding.. but now it comes through. Comes through to you.
Thanks Clockwork and Vic
I think my version of the lyrics are more accurate but I really appreciate you pointing the spelling errors that certainly in there. ie "your" instead of "You're". I also appreciate the fact that non Christians or non practicing ones are helping me with this. In some way its even better cause you opinions aren't tainted.
Dont worry Clock I wasnt in any way offended. Your guys are doing exactly as I hoped. Still, its a little like someone saying "Your got a new baby, its kind of ugly" LOL But I know exactly where ya'll are coming from and it doesnt offend me at all. Keep it up.
Jim
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
Not so much boring, IMHO, as lacking any extra twists. Once you've got to the end of the first chorus the only new thing you'll hear from then on is different lyrics. All well and good (and it is a good song, don't get me wrong), but it's the extra interest that really makes the difference between good and great in my eyes.
A bridge added with completely different chords (maybe even a key change) would help immensely, I think, probably just as a replacement for the section you have without vocals. Maybe instead/also changing the dynamics a bit so that the chorus is a little more different to the verse in ways besides the vocals. An extra rhythm guitar or picking pattern to thicken the sound a little, something along those lines maybe? Even a little bit of slide might fit, and that would probably also be good to carry on past the end of the vocals in the chorus, to act as a fill between a chorus and the next verse.
Lyrical content I can't help you with I'm afraid, for reasons previously mentioned :wink: ...but the vocal melody fits the song well.
If you'd appreciate it I will give this a thorough and serious spin tomorrow. You ask for honest and serious criticism and I have no problem with giving you that (and I'm saying that without having it heared yet). If you want I can send you the comments as a PM instead of here, I know how much it sucks to have your music torn apart, even if you ask for it.
Oh, I'm just looked up 'tainted' and I'm not quite sure in what way my opinion (I would roughly describe myself as agnostic) is tainted. In any case I'll judge the song for what it is, not for what it is not and does not pretend to be. I'm not sure if that is ok with you but I think keeping whatever personal opinions I might have myself out of it will help you better.
