Need some advice

Now, to tell you the truth.

I was confused about who the You is in each paragraph. It only makes sense after you explain it. I can't hear the music so I may not know what I'm talking about but if the You in the first part is a different person than the You in the second part, (and you say it is) then the music will have to make that known since you won't be there everytime someone listens to this song to explain it.

If you'd appreciate it I will give this a thorough and serious spin tomorrow.

I would appreciate that very much Arjen. I only care about comments concerning the structure, entertainment, and so forth of the song.. but I dont need debate on religion. I respect everyones opinion.. and I have been a pagan, a Christian, and many things inbeteen in my past... I understand alot of view points.. but anyway.. Yes, I would appreicate it.

Also, I mean "Arent tainted" Meaning that a Christian reading the song automatically has some favor for it strict for the lyrically content.

Thanks Misanthrope.. for the comments as well. I am busy trying to figure out a key change or something.. I have some ideals because of you and the other guys.. I might either get it done tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks
Jim

Not so much boring, IMHO, as lacking any extra twists. Once you've got to the end of the first chorus the only new thing you'll hear from then on is different lyrics. All well and good (and it is a good song, don't get me wrong), but it's the extra interest that really makes the difference between good and great in my eyes.

A bridge added with completely different chords (maybe even a key change) would help immensely, I think, probably just as a replacement for the section you have without vocals. Maybe instead/also changing the dynamics a bit so that the chorus is a little more different to the verse in ways besides the vocals. An extra rhythm guitar or picking pattern to thicken the sound a little, something along those lines maybe? Even a little bit of slide might fit, and that would probably also be good to carry on past the end of the vocals in the chorus, to act as a fill between a chorus and the next verse.

Lyrical content I can't help you with I'm afraid, for reasons previously mentioned :wink: ...but the vocal melody fits the song well.

Yup, that's how I heard it. I think it's catchy and well done but needs a bridge.

lack of bridge seems a serious concern - I didn't mention it because I thought the song was long enough, but.... they got a point. Change of key, maybe, just a short two line bridge - just to add a little variety. Tighten the instrumental parts up a little - add that clean electric - bridge instead of the long strumming part -

Like I said, you got a good song - but - there's always room for improvement, especially when you've got the biggest guitar site on the net trying to help....and you know what? We're all on your side - we're all hoping one of US does well....

Fingers crossed (AGAIN!)....

:D :D :D

Vic

Okay, you asked for it. I'm going to be brutal, hope you can handle it. :)

I'll start with the lyrics as they are to me what drive the song. There is one word that I *really* don't like, almost to the point it ruins the entire song. it's the word 'you' in the chorus. There are a feasons reasons for it:

1) It confuses me when a song has two two different 'I's, in this case you yourself and Jezus. I had no idea that was what you were saying until you explained it.

2) Added to that I have to say that using 'Jezus' in 'I' form is very, very much on the edge. For example, you don't just speak his words, the tone of your voice would symblise his voice. It might be a detail but if you have to sing your chorus I'd rewrite it with Jezus being 'he' instead of 'I'. That would fix both this and the above issue.

2) Currently the song is about you saying being open about things is tough and Jezus re-assuring you. To me it would be much more powerfull if Jezus would not speak to you but you speak to others about Him. That would change the message of the song into 'yes, it is tough, but I'll try nevertheless, and maybe you could do that, too!' which is a lot stronger IMHO.

3) Just my personal preference, but I find personal songs more impressive. I'm not as much as interested in what Jezus did or did not tell you, what I want to know is how you deal with it. What your view is, how things affected your life. It's cool that you are re-assured, now tell me how that changed you.

For these reasons I'd so much prefer this chorus:
I'll tell them the truth, your a child of heaven
I'll tell them the truth, you are a friend of mine
I'll tell them the truth, somehow
Every knee shall bend, every head will bow

This will make Jezus the child of heaven, it will have you admit He is a friend of yours and expresses your faith that it will all work out in the end. It will be a statement about courage, doing what you think is best despite fearing the consequences. Even those who might not share your views will understand what it is about and 'get it', whereas if you have Jezus directly and literally talk to you a lof of people will not get it. Which would be a shame. I know comments on the lyrics are hardest because they are the most personal aspect but I just had to mention it, it would make a huge difference to me.

Musically I get the feeling this is a skeleton song. You worked out the chord progression and added the vocals but the way you use the chords doesn't seem to be worked out much at all. There's a basic strumming pattern, an even more basic drumbeat and some bass playing the rootnotes, that's about it for the entire song. It's so bare that it's hard to make concrete suggestions, it really depends on where you want to take it. For example, start with picked appergios and change to strummed chords after the first chorus, have all instruments fall back for the final chorus, using instrumental melodies and licks in the backing and between the vocal lines. Have the drum build, from just the hi-hats to the complete kit, definitely don't immediately start with the kick leave that for after the first chorus.

Your vocal line is fine, although it made me expect a final outburst that didn't come. There's plenty of room and opportunity to go up with your voice at the final ending. As a minor suggestion you could add a tad more variation to the lines, it's kinda structured a bit too tightly for my taste.

Ironically, this song very much reminded me of my 'Waiting to fall', which is the exact opposite of your song lyric-wise. Compositionally I made all the 'mistakes' you make here (and earlier versions of my song didn't have the intro and solo either), it would be a shame if those people would mention the exact stuff people told me here back then.

And to be honest I'm quite jealous of your vocal skills!

As I'm neither technically adept or a practising christian.....I guess i can only give you some cheer and say that I found the song good enough to keep my attention......so as the others said....a little polish and you've got a gem....you sing very well :lol:

I've got my reading glasses on and I still can't quite make out the last line of Arjen's post.....

:D :D :D

Vic

Here ya go Vic:
Compositionally I made all the 'mistakes' you make here (and earlier versions of my song didn't have the intro and solo either), it would be a shame if those people would mention the exact stuff people told me here back then.

;)

Okay, you asked for it. I'm going to be brutal, hope you can handle it. :)

I definitely can and found some of your comments very helpful. Thank you.. I respect your opinion much. Its something I am going to give thought to before changing, lyrically. But you are correct about the skeleton comment. That is exactly how it came to be. I think with the upcoming workshop and the fact this is in our upcoming set list.. it something I am going to work on. I'd like very much to polish it.

I have been playing with a bridge which would also have me singing the chorus one time less than I am currently. Not done.. but its coming.

Arjen, I know its late there so I appreciate you taking the time to analyze it for me.

Bally.. thank you too.. With all this criticism that I asked for, it nice to get an atta boy too.

Jim

Here ya go Vic:
Compositionally I made all the 'mistakes' you make here (and earlier versions of my song didn't have the intro and solo either), it would be a shame if those people would mention the exact stuff people told me here back then.

;)

I am so dumb and blind.. I thought it said
And to be honest I'm quite jealous of your vocal skills!

:lol: Thanks again

Jim

Hello???

Hello???

Hello! :lol:
I was confused about who the You is in each paragraph. It only makes sense after you explain it. I can't hear the music so I may not know what I'm talking about but if the You in the first part is a different person than the You in the second part, (and you say it is) then the music will have to make that known since you won't be there everytime someone listens to this song to explain it.

I wasnt ignoring your comments but I think I confused you with my explaination and such because in the song I think it comes across clearly.. But I am not certain. I was hoping you would have gotten a chance to listen to it and then come back with "Yep, I still would have been confused" or "Oh, it makes sense. But you should change..."

The "you"s are all the same You. I'll have to go back and look at the post that got us off track.

Jim

I'm not able to listen on the computer that I have because it's basically a really old thing that's not much good for much of anything. Otherwise I would have. It may make sense musically when you hear it for all I know.

that drum loop gets straight up annoying by the end.

i think the guitar rhythm and chords is directly ripped off some 90's pop song. blues traveller or somebody. it needs some variety. like the drums, it makes you want to slap somebody by the time it's over.

it could be saved by good instrumentation. a solid drummer, a simple bassline, and something to fill up the treble space.

the vocal melody at the end "every knee shall bend etc..." really sounds like it's hanging in space unsupported. again, more instrumentation could keep it from just hanging there, but right now, the song is about 30 seconds too long. the repeats are a waste.

the lyrics are awkward. why would you sit there and tell somebody what they are? are they retarded? without self-awareness? it's really irritating. also, there's nothing unique or interesting in what you're saying. the verses are ok, but the chorus is a clunker, especially the word "somehow".

the vocals need more breath support. they sound like you didn't inhale and are straining to get the words out, especially on the high notes.

on the other hand, it's not a whole lot worse than what passes for church music these days. boring junk that doesn't offend the blue-hairs. i'm sure if it was fleshed out with a good band, you could get a church to play it along with the rest of the sunday service.

Huh? I thought the 'verse you' was Jezus and the 'chorus you' was you yourself, so different 'you's? (and vica versa for the 'I's) I thought it was confusing, but now I definitely am confused. :?