Does this properly imply that the narrator is a leader (the foreman) on the jury at Tom Dula's trial?
No. I forgot which POV you had. When I read it I thought it was the executioner at a hanging.
Does the message that the narrator feels he is full of his own faults come through?
I think so with the line "But then again, so am I"...........but here is where I get mixed messages or it is unclear if the singer is talking to Tom, or just thinking to himself.
Usually if someone is empathizing by saying "we are all guilty of sin" then we wouldn't use words of shame "hang your head low, Tom" "Shame on you"......because that would be very hypocritical.
...........and it also seems the singer is saying "feel bad because you got caught not feel bad because you murdered"
Hang down, hang down your head and cry.
Poor boy you’re bound to die
.....in that sense too, "you're bound to die" could be used in a more specific statement....because really we are all bound to die.
I'm thinking this is a good lyric. Am I deluding myself?
I think it's working out, but try to remember to any more changes to simplify and clarify rather than keep this and add any more content.
Right now for me the biggest challenge on the read is getting mixed signals from the singer as to his feelings about the whole situation.....he doesn't want to "cast the stone" he was "randomly chosen" he's telling the "Tom to hang his head" he admits he has his own sin......
......try finding one emotional angle to amplify and stick to.
but again I think this was a very challenging assignment to do in a song form.
Maybe some of the issues I bring up will be clarified in the tone of voice and the chord progression you use to convey the mood.
Hi MrE
The re-writes look good. Tighter, punchier and more effective. I like the verses individually too. But, as James mentions, you still seem not quite sure yet on which angle you're most attracted to. Unlike what often happens to a songwriter - not quite enough strong material and good ideas - it's the opposite! It's as if you have a kitchen stocked with a great array of ingredients but can't quite decide what sort of cake to make. It's especially hard to make choices when you've already built up two or more good elements but may have to ditch one to serve the whole.
I really liked what you did with the Laura Foster verse - wondering about some different possible motives. But then I wanted to get some answers from Tom, or at least some kind of expansions on the foreman's thinking on those possibilities. On the other hand, I thought that concentrating not so much on Tom but on the foreman's own struggle with ethics/morality/ sin etc was a really interesting idea, with a lot of potential.
I don't think you're deluding yourself at all. It's coming along well. Sometimes good things do have a painful birth! My suggestion (feel free to ignore...) would be to concentrate on the foreman's unease, make sure we know who he is, and then give us a clear message about the reasons for his guilt/doubt or whatever it is. Pile on some more sinning!. :twisted: Maybe he lusted after Laura himself? Or had an affair with her (perhaps he gave her the syphilis, or caught it from her..?). Perhaps he'd been her boyfriend for a while and had beaten her up? Might he even have killed her himself and framed Tom? Or....?
As a listener, I'd like verses 3 & 4 to have some juicy revelations about what the Foreman had got up to with Laura himself, explaining why he feels morally almost as bad a Tom, yet still having the official duty to codemn Tom for his part in her death.
Chris
Thanks for your comments. Yes, I have needlessly complicated this story by having two intertwining story lines. I tend to do that. I've done it before.
I'm trying to maintain a level of historical truthfulness regarding the case so I'm not going to have the juror involved with Laura. I haven't found out anything about the jurors. Court records from that area are not very complete, for instance, they didn't have a stenographer.
I think that I agree, If I'm going to stay on the double plot track that I need to better clarify the jurors issues.. At one time I changed the time frame of the story and had the ghosts of the characters talking with each other.
Sometimes I think I'll chuck the whole thing and go play video games.
I had some time today so I did a recording of it as written. I needed to get it out of my head.
I'm off to the beach for a few days but I was checking email this morning and had a listen.
Nice sound on the instruments and vocals. :D
.....so on the listen the song has a whimsical, laid back "don't take life (or death) too seriously" attitude; like Jack Johnson's Breakdown http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4O7ufx9D_s
Suggestion:
change "Tom Dula you will reap just what you’ve sewn"
to "(They say) we reap what we sow".............to include the fact that we all face consequences
Thanks for sharing.
James
Nice sound on the instruments and vocals. :D
.....so on the listen the song has a whimsical, laid back "don't take life (or death) too seriously" attitude
+1
I just played it and, again, my wife also heard it (without knowing any of the backstory you collected, or the history of your various versions). She also had the same reaction as James. The word she used was that it had a nice "musing" flavour to it. It's always interesting how the actual singing and playing can make all the difference. Sometimes it can add an element that seems to be missing on the page. Although, sometimes it works the other way too, and something that looks OK on the page doesn't quite come across when sung. But I think you can definitely let it go now and say "job done"..! :)
I'm off to the beach for a few days but I was checking email this morning and had a listen.
Nice sound on the instruments and vocals. :D
.....so on the listen the song has a whimsical, laid back "don't take life (or death) too seriously" attitude; like Jack Johnson's Breakdown http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4O7ufx9D_s
Suggestion:
change "Tom Dula you will reap just what you’ve sewn"
to "(They say) we reap what we sow".............to include the fact that we all face consequences
Thanks for sharing.
James
I always forget it's morning for you as I'm nodding off. Enjoy your vacation. Trips are always good ways for me to pick up new ideas.
I wasn't paying any attention to "selling" the song in the singing. On listening, I hear it is very unemotional, I'll certainly have to reconsider phrasing and gravitas if I get a chance to do another vocal track.
Originally, the line with "Tom Dula" was very close to what you are suggesting. Since my chorus uses lines from the original "Tom Dooley" song I figured I needed to put his name somewhere in the song.
Thanks for listening and commenting. Enjoy the beach.
I just played it and, again, my wife also heard it (without knowing any of the backstory you collected, or the history of your various versions). She also had the same reaction as James. The word she used was that it had a nice "musing" flavour to it. It's always interesting how the actual singing and playing can make all the difference. Sometimes it can add an element that seems to be missing on the page. Although, sometimes it works the other way too, and something that looks OK on the page doesn't quite come across when sung. But I think you can definitely let it go now and say "job done"..! :)
Yes, I need to rerecord the vocal. I hadn't properly figured out what voice to use.
I would suggest you do not need tom"s name in at all b/c her name is in there so someone could look up who killed her.....besides as it is the song is now more about the foreman......the muder could be any crime though it is better to go with cocrete details instead of vague wondering about why the person was on trial.......but again the song as is is really about foreman/singer
I would suggest you do not need tom"s name in at all b/c her name is in there so someone could look up who killed her.....besides as it is the song is now more about the foreman......the muder could be any crime though it is better to go with cocrete details instead of vague wondering about why the person was on trial.......but again the song as is is really about foreman/singer
You might be right. Have any fun at the beach? I'm going to try to re-record the vocal and see if I can channel a little Randy Newman and Richard Manuel.
Yes it is a nice place we are at with good weather too 8)
Wonderful MP3. Lots of work to get to that last rewrite and great results. I acutally find this more appealing, both in words and performance, than the original.
Neil
Wonderful MP3. Lots of work to get to that last rewrite and great results. I acutally find this more appealing, both in words and performance, than the original.
Neil
:oops:
Thanks for listening and commenting. As mentioned earlier, I am going to try to rerecord the vocals to get an earthier sound.
Now I have 3 versions recorded
1) The original http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12275808
2) Remixed http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12277526
3) Extra Crispy: New vocal track http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12277614
Every time I use the DAW software I learn something new.
John, WOW I'm impressed 8) ,
the whole package is excellent, especially your vocal recording, you struck the EQ balance and volume levels just perfectly.
well done
Paul
