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Cheated (Week 16 topic)

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(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 8184
Topic starter  

Cheated

(Intro)

(Verse 1)
Seeping in my mind is a thought of revenge
And every now and then it comes just to go again
Trembling somber hands try to pluck the strings
But all that sounds are the cold minor keys

Footprints of a shadow lead outside
Footprints of a devil lay there beside
Footprints of my angel are nowhere to see
Forever shut the door

[Chorus]
Elude me, love
I wish I knew not who you were
Elude me, trust
I depended oh so much
And now I've gone
Melted by my saturation
Stripped by my Infatuation
Of him

(Verse 2)
Just out the window is the sun at a glance
Smiling and penetrating my soul
Step out the door cracks the delusion
Rain engulfing tornado of illusion

[Bridge]
How could you do me like this?
Did her eyes glitter? Did her lips pucker?
How could you leave me undressed?
Was her mind sharper?
Or was it just not LOVE?

(Chorus)

(Outro)


   
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(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago
Posts: 0
 

Its a goth song If i've ever read one. And I mean that in a good way. I don't quite like the word "pucker" there towards the end.. its just not.. something. I also read "seeping" at the beginning as "sleeping" by mistake, but I think i'd like "sleeping" better . The rest of the song is quite good. Moody without being angst ridden like so many other songs out there. Good work.

-Marv

This topic is inspiring some wonderful songs.


   
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(@anonymous)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 8184
Topic starter  

Ya i agree that sleeping works better, especially for the overall feeling of the woman in the song.   I should mess around w/ the bridge too and take out the sentence that deals w/ pucker.
Its definitly goth, thats how i intended it, as the situation deals with so many mixed emotions of sadness and a kind of bottled anger at the world.

Thanks for your input!


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Jason

I'm going with Marv on deriving a 'goth' flavour from this submission which I'll be honest I don't mind at all.  One thing though is your choice of words in the chorus particularly the line

I wish I knew not who you were

It's very poetic and it reads like Wordsworth or Byron but it's not something you'd say in the real world.  I think you need to rethink lines like this and bring them up to date.  This is a problem I had when I first joined this forum and Nick soon knocked it out of me.

One other small thing is the mixture of tenses in the second part of the first verse.  I'd change it ever so slightly to something like:

Footprints of a shadow lead outside
Footprints of a devil lay lie there beside
Footprints of my angel are nowhere to be see seen
Forever shut the door

I think it just makes the lines relate to each other better.

Otherwise good stuff hope you'll join in over the next couple of weeks

Bob  :)

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 8184
Topic starter  

Hey Bob,

Oops, ya i just noticed the grammer mistakes =P thanks
For the "I wish i knew not who you were" i was thinking about just putting "i wish i never knew you".   And in the bridge change "Or was it just not love" to "or was THIS just not love".

Now, to write some music to it  ;D


   
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