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Week 16 Broken Head
 
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Week 16 Broken Head

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(@beren)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 72
Topic starter  

I think I might be stretching the theme here a bit and to be honest I hardly know where this song came from. I was thinking about writing a song about masks. The title Broken Head came to me and to be honest the rest of the song pretty much wrote itself.

Broken Head

When I get home tonight
Will you still be lying in your bed
When I get home tonight
Will the sun have touched your broken head

Cos all your friends are asking
When will we be coming round
And I can't bear to tell them
If I did I'd have to shout

Broken Head, Broken Head
You only look like the girl
But when I get up close
I can see that you're not really her

I remember Becky when
She could have touched the sun and moon
I remember Becky then
I see you lying in this room

Cos all the world is waiting
To see your magic smile
And I can't bear to tell them
I haven't seen it in a while

Broken Head, Broken Head
You only look like the girl
But when I get up close
I can see that you're not really her.

I hate to think which dark recess of my psyche that song has been hiding in but maybe I'll be a more cheerful person for writing it.
Beren

I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind


   
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(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago
Posts: 0
 

That is incredible.  I really like it, it told me a story and i could see it in my mind.  I don't know though, "broken head" didn't seem to flow right, but that could just be me ;)


   
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(@beren)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 72
Topic starter  

Thanks Rue. I must admit I imagine this song as a loud punky rant and rail against the injustices of life and depression. I suspect that the chorus would be kind of shouted and in my imagination Broken Head sounds like a good line to shout.
Beren

I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hey Beren

You should never be afraid to mine the dark recesses of your psyche it's good for the soul.  I really like this it's got a good flow.  The imagery is good and 'Broken Head' is a great title.

One thing I would change is

I remember Becky when
She could have touched the sun and moon
I remember Becky then
I see you lying in this room

to (something like)

I remember Becky then
When she touched the sun and moon
And I remember Becky when
I see you lying in this room

unless I've misunderstood it (which is always a possibility ;D)

The transposition of then and when reads more straightforwardly to me.  And the second line seemed a bit too long for the rhythm I had going in my head.

Otherwise great stuff.

It is stretching the theme a bit but I won't be too extreme for that. ;)

Bob  :)

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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(@beren)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 72
Topic starter  

Thanks Bob.
Your rewrite definitely flows better.
It amazes me how a subtle change in word order can have such a dramatic effect on the quality of a song.
I guess that is what makes it all so compelling.
Beren

I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind


   
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