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week16 "Thirteen"

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(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 8184
Topic starter  

Thirteen

I see you sitting there
Watching yourself in the mirror
The one with these uncountable cracks
Your reflection seems even more broken than you are
I see through your withering/withered/blurred eyes to the silently raging waves of the sea
As the night descends on your face
Constantly bruised by steadily flowing tears
You whisper with a trembling voice to the shadows:
“I'm afraid, I fear the end.
I have never been more terrified-
Indeed, I'm scared of the anonymous death.”
Now the tombstone reveals only pieces of your suffering
I am the witness left to tell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hello...I'm new here and just thought I'd try it as well :)
any critics,advice and whatever are welcome
btw the red part...I'm not quite sure what sounds better and wether I sould use the -ingform or not(I'm German-little grammar probs ;D)

well,see you
bluenightangel
http://see.you.at/on-the-edge-of-tears


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hello bluenightangel and welcome!

For what it's worth, I'd go with "withered."

This is definitely moody and descriptive (I really like the third and fourth lines!) but I wonder how this works out as a song lyric. To my ears it comes across more as poetry. That's not a bad thing! But I just have trouble getting a melody in my head for it. Do you have any music in mind?

Looking forward to reading more from you.

Peace


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

hi dhodge:)

thank you!I'm glad you like it(at least line 3&4 ;D) oh and thanx for solving my withered/withering problem!
yes I agree with you "thirteen" is more a poem than a song...but what if you put it into verses like this:

Thirteen

I see you sitting there
Watching yourself in the mirror
The one with these uncountable cracks
Your reflection seems even more broken than you are

I see through your withered eyes to the silently raging waves of the sea
As the night descends on your face
Constantly bruised by steadily flowing tears

You whisper with a trembling voice to the shadows:
“I'm afraid, I fear the end.
I have never been more terrified-
Indeed, I'm scared of the anonymous death.”

Now the tombstone reveals only pieces of your suffering
I am the witness left to tell.

I always  have trouble to find a melody or chords(still trying to teach myself how to play the e-guitar,had guitar lessons-classical-long ago, forgot almost everything),sometimes I do have a certain melody but cannot find the right lyrics;)
anyway I imagine it to be sung by someone with a voice like conor oberst(of the band bright eyes), the beginning is slow, acoustic guitar(maybe even the sound of the waves of the ocean crushing against the shore) and the whispered words should be spoken, not sung and it should sound painful/fearful. the last part(I'm scared of...)a bit louder...the last two lines...hm...maybe a bit louder, voice breaking?(conor oberst would know how to do this, he's great)

I hope it wasn't as confusing as it seems to me now :P
thanks again for your help
bye,
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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