hi i was wondering if you could give me some evaluation on a song i have written......
ive just really started out writing....so all advice is helpful....
YOU SAID
Step off the plane and im feeling so tired
been waiting for 3hrs now im waiting on a ride
2 come see u, baby u know its true
ive been waiting for this moment for a week or 2
reflecting on the times that we would run
hand in hand we gonna have some fun
oh baby cant you see
u mean more than gold to me....
Chorus
you said from the 1st moment i met u
that it was love it was so true
i never thought id be laying next to u
and u said, from troubled times that we'd been thru
i never thought that we'd come through
to see the light of day...
it's just gone past a quarter past 3
call up ur friends and say ur seeing me
no party in here, im gonna make it clear girl
2nite its all about u and me
melodys by sweet candle-light
girl im gonna put it down 2nite
its been a day 2 long to fight...
we gonna get it so so right..
(Chorus)
cheesetastic. there are people that like this style of music but i'm not one of them, so i'm not going to critique the song.
however, the line "i've been waiting for this moment for a week or two" should be changed. it implies that the protagonist is a moron.
you also put this in the wrong forum.
lol your right sorry, i know it was cheesy it was for a company who i am working with at present so they could hear my sound, it was meant to be cheesy....thanks for the eval anyhow, as i said all replies are taken on board.
thanks
Sorry, Mark, I have to agree. It's pretty cheesy. But you said you wanted it to be, so I'm guessing it's--a good thing?
It might help a little if when you submit a song to ANYONE, you write out all the words. I don't know how old you are, but since you said you work for a company, and your name appears to be Mark, I'm gonna assume you're not a 12-year-old girl.You might be busy and in a hurry. But if you take the time to write a song, you should take time to also present it in the most appealing way possible. Remember, they can't hear what it sounds like. The only thing they've got to go on is what it looks like. And like most everything, 1st impression is everything.
That said, I made a few changes. It's still pretty cheesy, but if I made anymore changes, then it'd stop being your song and be mine. Don't let this discourage you from songwriting. It's not too bad for a first try. Maybe listen to some good music, and read the lyrics. Or even read some of the songs on the forum. There are some good songs and some not so good ones. Hopefully it'll help teach you what to do, and what not to do. Not that I'm an expert. I'm still learning, myself. If you revise this song, please re-submit it. Also, I don't really care, but there is a specific assignment posted every Sunday that you're supposed to follow. The exercises might help you. Otherwise, if you just want to post songs, I think there are other forums for that. Either way, good luck. See changes below.
Joe
YOU SAID
Stepped off the plane
Was feeling so tired
Waited 3 hours for a ride
Now I'm feelin' wired
Lookin' forward to this moment
For a week or 2
For the moment, baby
When I'll see you
Been dreamin' 'bout us
Got it all planned
Havin' so much fun
Walkin' hand in hand
It's so plain to me
Baby can't you see
Baby you mean more than
Gold to me
Chorus
You said from the 1st moment we met
It was true love
I never thought I'd be lying here next to you, making true love
And we've been through some troubled times
But we made it through
Oh yeah we made it through
It's a quarter past 3
Say goodbye to your friends
I'm comin' to see you
No party please, lemme make it clear
Tonight's just about me and you
Music by candlelight
Just you and me tonight
Just you and me tonight
It's just you an me....
(Chorus)
