Everybody Lies ( with MP3 ) NOT ME THOUGH

Hi Trev

What you've got here is a good start. I'm brutal at the start of all of my songs which is I post so few - 99% of them end up screwed up and thrown away but you've definitely got a good start.

Everybody lies
But not everybody
Cries

Is a keeper that's going to be the hook here.

Words cut deep
Like a knife
In my heart
Crying myself to sleep

I can see what you're trying to do here linking the lies to the eventual pain they will cause. However, Words cut like a knife is a really overused image even though it is a good one. What you need to be figuring out is why they hurt so much, what did they yell you, and why would that make you cry yourself to sleep? Also just need to mention rhyme scheme here just be aware of it at this stage.

White lies
Make crying eyes
Bigger lies
Destroy Lives

Again a good idea here and this one works a lot better than the previous verse plus it tells us how these lies affect you.

You do need to develop this one more - I don't think you're far off but we need to understand what are you being lied to about and why that's making you feel this way.

Good start - keep it going mate

Bob :wink:

Agree with Bob, that's a pretty good hook.

As regards this part....

"Words cut deep
Like a knife
In my heart
Crying myself to sleep"

Again I agree, it's a bit overworked and overdone as a cliche - but with a little fiddling around, maybe something like

"Like a scalpel, (or "like a lancet")
False words cut deep,
As I cry myself,
To a lonely sleep,

And the bitter sting,
Of the tears I feel,
Like salt in those wounds
Feels more than real"

Just a suggestion off the top of my head - like Bob, I'm never satisfied with 99% of first drafts, I always play around with them till I've got something better.

But like the man said - you're on the right track! (At least I hope you are, working for a railway company.......!)

:D :D :D

Vic

} :lol: :lol: :lol:
Vic ..

Even trains fall off the rails every now and then :lol:
{ thats when I really have to do some work :lol: }

Yeah I can see the over used cliche you and Bob mentioned now ..Funny thing is though when I wrote that bit it didn't occur to me I had something so over used in there ...

Will endeavour to get this done before weeks end

Trev

Everybody lies
But not everybody
Cries

Your white lies
Make crying eyes
Your bigger lies
Destroy our lives

Think before you speak
Gossip cuts so deep
Rumours can end us all
Don't take your bat and ball

Everybody lies
But not everybody
Cries

Not everybody cries

I won't stand your rot
Honest you are not
You say what I want to hear
When you leave we will all cheer

There is no horse or cart
Say the words from your heart
Don't tell those deceitful lies
I won't be the one who cries

Everybody lies
But not everybody
Cries

Not everybody cries

___________________________________

I'm interested in how this maybe read , I have a certain reason for using the words I have came up with , But I am interested in what someone else may read into it ..

Political maybe ..
Boss could be...
Break up ..who knows

Hi Trev

Again I think these are good ideas and the ambiguity as to the subject matter allows the listener to make their own interpretation. As you say relationship, political or workplace. There are definitely areas that need some looking at:
Think before you speak
Gossip cuts so deep
Rumours can end us all
Don't take your bat and ball

to
Some advice to heed
Think before you speak
You know Gossip and Rumours
Can Cut so deep

I'm not advocating that you change to these specific words but see how they make a more legitimate statement. The bat and ball reference is an idea you could also develop if you were looking at people playing mind games with lies etc.

I also think the other two verses could stand some editing as, to me, you've got placeholders in there. Lines that are holding another line's place until it comes along. Specifically
I won't stand your rot & There is no horse or cart

Honest you are not - a bit too much of the iambic pentameter here i.e. not normal speak.

Also I mentioned in my previous reply about rhyme scheme. Try to move it away from AABB as I think it detracts from the overall message. AABB tends to make it sound too simplistic and I think you've got a more powerful statement going on here.

Cheers

Bob :wink:

Hey Trev - seeing as how you didn't want to use these lines.....

"Like a scalpel, (or "like a lancet")
False words cut deep,
As I cry myself,
To a lonely sleep,

And the bitter sting,
Of the tears I feel,
Like salt in those wounds
Feels more than real"

Do you mind if I borrow them back? I think I can use them - in a modified form - in the song I'm working on myself for this week.

:D :D :D

Vic

whats yours is yours Vic

I am still working on this but hey they are yours mate

Its all kool mate thanks anyway

I pinched them back - although they're barely recognisable! But if there's anything there you want, you're welcome to it...OK I'm off to post my own effort....

:D :D :D

Vic

Hey Trevor,

As I was reading I was thinking about what advice to give.
Then I read Bob's responses and he said it all better than I
could. I love when we get a chance to watch a song grow
and develop and will be keeping my eyes on this one.

You've planted some good seeds and I can't wait to see
what they grow into.

Jihn

Great MP3 - I understand it so much better now - let's hear your version soon.

Great Stuff

Bob :wink:

Sounds great set to music! Had to listen to the low-fi version though - hi-fi sounded like chipmunks on speed! - you might want to point that out.....

Cool song, Trev!

:D :D :D

Vic

Jeez Trevor,
I cant believe that I missed this one. I think its because in your title you dont have the Year and Week number, I generally use these as indexes to what I should be looking at this week. Though I think youve been in good hands while Ive been doing whatever it is Ive been doing. I pretty much agree with all of the comments that have been posted. Ill just send a reminder to myself to have a listen when I get home, our firewall at work wont even connect to soundclick.

cheers

Paul

Thanks ,

Bob , Vic and Paul

Due to my lack of ability in playing a guitar my version isn't quite ready yet ..

But its' getting there

Watch this space real soon , and in the future I shall have week !! year! song title ..

cheers trev

Hey Trev wahoo

The up side: thats a great mp3 your mate did.
The (not so) up side: You will note the political correctness of my language :lol:
Maybe the seeds for a few songs in there
I agree with Peter (and it not just cos he's (was) a Kiwi either)
Trev I reckon the this song needs to capitalize on that GREAT hook youve got in there
Everybody lies
But not everybody
Cries

that is such a great line and he sings it sooo well. Id love to see you explore that a bit, like telling us why shes such a cold hearted B*. Give us a metaphor for that behaviour like a chameleon or something. This song has great potential, stick with it.

cheers

Paul