Frozen in Time

hey, ill be honest i dont think it is one of your stronger pieces. i have a couple nitpicks the first being in what i guess is the chorus.

Standing in line
Hope ing in time
Standing in line
You will want my love

i wouldnt say standing in line a second time, id maybe change it to something like this

standing in line
hoping in time
one day youll be mine
you will want my love.

just a suggestion
i also wouldve liked to see you not repeat the firt verse as the third verse. and finnaly i dont understand this line

standing waiting for a shove

again these are all just my opinoins and i think depending on the music you have a potentially good one but right now it needs some work

spencer

Thank you

For the feed back

Hilch

Hi Hilch!

I agree with beans7178. A few retoolings in your song here and there and it'll be on par with your other songs.

I like this verse or chous the best:

"My world is so bare
But do yo u ca re
You don't even look my way
I have run out of words to say"

Other then that not a bad song.

Hi Hilch,

I think its important to get those ideas down on paper as soon as you come up with them otherwise you can forget them. I've been known to call into a Bank (any old Bank) and write something down on a deposit slip and then leave just so I wouldn't forget the idea (and no “Hand of over the money or else” was not what I had in mind) :roll: .

I agree with Spencer on the “Standing in line” bit . The other thing that strikes me is the “shove” word, I think Id be inclined to loose that, I just don't think it fits the song.
Maybe something like:
Standing in line waiting for life to begin

Am and D7, hmmm, yep this would suit a minor chord progression, I'm a great fan of minor chords, I love the melancholy feel they have.

Keep them coming

Cheers

Paul

I liked the chorus. The repetitiveness in this appeals to me. It makes me feel like my life is going no where. Same stuff different day. I like it.
Standing in line
Hope ing in time
Standing in line
You will want my love

Like this next one alot. Another good example of using repetivness to your advantage. Dont know that i like the word choking but cant think of a replacement.
My heart is broken
Now I'm chocking
On the loss of your love
The loss of your love

Really didnt like the next one especially "run out of words to say". I know how you feel and your trying to put a feeling of emotion about a woman into a song BUT writers dont run out of things to say and that feeling should be vividly described. Make us feel that loss of words.
My world is so bare
But do yo u ca re
You don't even look my way
I have run out of words to say

Great job my friend. And you ARE a writer, you do write songs. Getting better all the time.

Edited: Wow, just read the other comment and I guess I am the polar opposite? heh :)

Geoo

thsnks Ghost and Pbee ans Geoo

The shove yeah forced a bit too much hey oh well , I tried :lol:

I really appreciate all of your time people to look at my work

Thanks

Hilch :?:

The chorus kind of confuses me. And these two lines:
On the loss of your love
The loss of your love

Seem kind of repetative.

All and all, it's not too bad.

Im frozen in time with out your love
I can't move , I can't breathe
Standing waiting for a shove
Your love is my only relief

I get what you mean by the shove line. It just doesn't sound right. Maybe something simple like--Just standing still without your love, waiting for relief, or something along those lines.

And not to be nitpicky, I just do some occasional editing and suddenly this kind of stuff bothers me, so please indulge me a little and allow me to play English police....

Hoping, choking, without

Okay, that out of my system, (sorry), let's move on. I agree, the second Standing in line should be changed or if you want to repeat it, I think you should do it on the second line so that the thought will flow better. Not bad overall, though. If you make any revisions, I'd like to see it again.

Joe

OK sorry

I will re do my english tests , I thought I passed it about 20 odd years ago though... :cry: