Hi all well it's been a while since I posted a song , well this one is from my work " Im a train Driver with Queensalnd Rail in Australia . I saw some mention of train songs during last week and thought why not give it a go .
" Fumes in my Eyes "
Chorus
Ohhhh
I'm back on the Loco
with my home made smoko
Verse 1
Another mid night shift
Trying to make my eye lids lift
As I pack my bag
There is no wonder my eyes sag
I've seen many a sunrise
From my many train rides
Chorus
Ohhhh
I'm back on the Loco
with my home made smoko
Verse 2
Drinking my black tea
Never catching sight of the sea
The diesel fumes burn my eyes
Black , darkened , heavy skies
Really makes me wonder why
Why do I love to drive
Chorus
Ohhhh
I'm back on the Loco
with my home made smoko
Verse 3
Wishing I was back at home
With my lovely wife named Joan
Doin all ...the homely things
Where I... am the king
I'll be back ...in a day or two
I'll make the time to spend with you
Chorus
Ohhhh
I'm back on the Loco
with my home made smoko
Well that's it I have really struggled to write a song for weeks and wrote this on the Loco last night . The structure for this week was hard for me and still don't know if this is right ?
hope you all enjoy
if not sorry
cheers
L.K
:D
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
Hey!
The structure seems all right to me. Bob said he'd 'let' us have a bridge, so I guess that means we can take it or leave it.
I like it. Strangely uplifting.
Can't quite put my finger on what I mean. There's nothing really 'hey, isn't life great' in it but it's the kind of song that you hear and then everything is OK.
Maybe someone else will feel the same way and be able to put it better than I have.
Anyway - well written!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
hey:)
good you managed to post a song this week :D
while some parts(e.g. chorus) feel a bit..(in lack for a better word:) childish to me, others are really amazing in a more serious way.
example:
There is no wonder my eyes sag
I've seen many a sunrise
From my many train rides
Drinking my black tea
Never catching sight of the sea
The diesel fumes burn my eyes
Black , darkened , heavy skies
just beautiful.
Strangely uplifting.
true, though I wouldn't have thought about it this way. but I see. I suppose that's because of verse 3 which gives it a 'soon I'm home' feel.
that line's sweet: I'll make the time to spend with you
very well written.
hope your muse stays with you now.
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
hi
2 line chorus that makes it really tough
thanks for your thoughts
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
hey lotto king
cool song, kinda hear this as a bluesy number. to me its seems pretty much good to go as it is.
good writing,
sozay
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
I actually forgot all about the bridge when I wrote this , oh well I suppose I better read the assignments a little closer in the future I suppose , but thanks heaps people , I enjoyed reading your comments .
Thanks everyone
L.K
8)
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
hi
like angel said the chorus is a bit weak , but the rest is great , ( 2 lines for chorus ?? ) that is really tough .I suppose thats why the chorus is a little plain .
but nice song man
Yeah Baby Yeah
I love the chorus, I can see a bunch of guys at the pub singing it at 2 am getting sh@t faced :lol: :lol: --the dog
Ahhh a beer song never thought of it that way , thanks Dog
might give it a try when I get a couple of days off , a few beers ( ales , brews ) what ever evryone else calls them , mmmmm
ahhhhh
cheers
L.K :arrow:
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
