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Fumes in my Eyes ( WEEK 12 )

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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
Topic starter  

Hi all well it's been a while since I posted a song , well this one is from my work " Im a train Driver with Queensalnd Rail in Australia . I saw some mention of train songs during last week and thought why not give it a go .

" Fumes in my Eyes "

Chorus

Ohhhh
I'm back on the Loco
with my home made smoko

Verse 1

Another mid night shift
Trying to make my eye lids lift
As I pack my bag
There is no wonder my eyes sag
I've seen many a sunrise
From my many train rides

Chorus

Ohhhh
I'm back on the Loco
with my home made smoko

Verse 2

Drinking my black tea
Never catching sight of the sea
The diesel fumes burn my eyes
Black , darkened , heavy skies
Really makes me wonder why
Why do I love to drive

Chorus

Ohhhh
I'm back on the Loco
with my home made smoko

Verse 3

Wishing I was back at home
With my lovely wife named Joan
Doin all ...the homely things
Where I... am the king
I'll be back ...in a day or two
I'll make the time to spend with you

Chorus

Ohhhh
I'm back on the Loco
with my home made smoko

Well that's it I have really struggled to write a song for weeks and wrote this on the Loco last night . The structure for this week was hard for me and still don't know if this is right ?

hope you all enjoy
if not sorry

cheers
L.K

:D

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@gjbrake)
Reputable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 235
 

Hey!

The structure seems all right to me. Bob said he'd 'let' us have a bridge, so I guess that means we can take it or leave it.

I like it. Strangely uplifting.
Can't quite put my finger on what I mean. There's nothing really 'hey, isn't life great' in it but it's the kind of song that you hear and then everything is OK.

Maybe someone else will feel the same way and be able to put it better than I have.

Anyway - well written!
G

Listen Louder Than You Play


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

hey:)

good you managed to post a song this week :D
while some parts(e.g. chorus) feel a bit..(in lack for a better word:) childish to me, others are really amazing in a more serious way.
example:
There is no wonder my eyes sag
I've seen many a sunrise
From my many train rides
Drinking my black tea
Never catching sight of the sea
The diesel fumes burn my eyes
Black , darkened , heavy skies
just beautiful.
Strangely uplifting.
true, though I wouldn't have thought about it this way. but I see. I suppose that's because of verse 3 which gives it a 'soon I'm home' feel.
that line's sweet: I'll make the time to spend with you

very well written.
hope your muse stays with you now.
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
Topic starter  

hi

2 line chorus that makes it really tough

thanks for your thoughts

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@sozay)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 173
 

hey lotto king

cool song, kinda hear this as a bluesy number. to me its seems pretty much good to go as it is.

good writing,
sozay

currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
Topic starter  

I actually forgot all about the bridge when I wrote this , oh well I suppose I better read the assignments a little closer in the future I suppose , but thanks heaps people , I enjoyed reading your comments .

Thanks everyone

L.K

8)

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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 XXXX
(@xxxx)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 21
 

hi

like angel said the chorus is a bit weak , but the rest is great , ( 2 lines for chorus ?? ) that is really tough .I suppose thats why the chorus is a little plain .

but nice song man

Yeah Baby Yeah


   
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(@smokindog)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 5345
 

I love the chorus, I can see a bunch of guys at the pub singing it at 2 am getting sh@t faced :lol: :lol: --the dog

My Youtube Page
http://www.youtube.com/user/smokindog
http://www.soundclick.com/smokindogandthebluezers

http://www.soundclick.com/guitarforumjams


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
Topic starter  

Ahhh a beer song never thought of it that way , thanks Dog
might give it a try when I get a couple of days off , a few beers ( ales , brews ) what ever evryone else calls them , mmmmm
ahhhhh

cheers
L.K :arrow:

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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