Everyone was really generous with last weeks comment and suggestions. They're really appreciated. When I looked at this weeks assignment I just shook my head thinking, this will be a tough one . . . . . . and then when I started writing it just flowed . . . .
http://www.soundclick.com/neilstuart
It's Not What You Say
I remember you way back when
then suddenly you're here beside me speaking again
and I can't hear what you say
it's been so many years and we've gone our own ways
why can't lovers remain in the past
why must the pain and the longing last
why won't you go away
you left me once, don't tell me you'll stay
you say you've always loved me and you never stopped
but I've heard this before and it's not
what you say but what you do
and it's true I've never stopped loving you
Words spoken after so many years
words spoken can't sooth all the tears
but as I sit here holding your hand
my heart races and I wonder if we can
We had so many dreams and so many hopes
so much promise but you couldn't cope
and one day you ran away
there was nothing I could do, nothing to say
you say you've always loved me and you never stopped
but I've heard this before and it's not
what you say but what you do
and it's true I've never stopped loving you
Please go and don't turn back
there's something missing, something we lack
please don't ask me what it is
I want to leave it alone, leave it as it is
and the tears roll down my face
as you walk away again and I'm here in this place
that I never wanted to be in
I never wanted to remember again
you say you've always loved me and you never stopped
but I've heard this before and it's not
what you say but what you do
and it's true I've never stopped loving you
Hi Neil
You must have a recorder at the ready every Sunday!
There are wonderful things going on here. You take an age-old song situation and breathe some fresh ideas into them. The last two lines of this verse, or half-verse if you will, work wonderfully:
Words spoken after so many years
words spoken can't sooth all the tears
but as I sit here holding your hand
my heart races and I wonder if we can
To have the fleeting thought of "maybe..." is pretty much what it's all about, after all.
In the end, and this is probably just me, I'd kind of like the narrator to have gotten a little more on his feet. You could do that by slightly changing one line:
and the tears roll down my face
as you walk away again and I'm here in this place
that I never wanted to be in
I never want to be remembered again
As always, just a thought...
And speaking of thoughts, musically, I'm not sure that the little stop in the chorus works to the best advantage of the lyrics. I'm not sure I can explain what I hear, but stopping where you do puts all the stress on the rhyming of "not" with "stopped." It might come across a little more naturally if you didn't worry so much about the rhyme, hid it in fact in another line. I'll try to put it in metered time:
you (1) say you've (2) always (3) loved me (4) and
(1) you ne (2) ver stopped (3) (4) but I've
(1) heard this (2) all so (3) many (4) times be
(1) fore (2) (3) (4) but it's
(1) not what (2) you (3) say (4) it's
(1) what (2) you (3) do (4) and it's
(1) true I've (2) never (3) stopped (4) loving
(1) you (2) (3) (4)
I'm not sure that's quite right, but the idea is to not let the melody be the slave to the rhyme. You can work it so that the rhyme focus becomes the last two lines and no one notices that the first two don't. There are other ways of dealing with this and there's also the fact that I may be the only one who even mentions it! :wink:
By the bye, loved the very first part - sounded very Jim Croce-like and I think that you might want to keep this fingerstyle through the other verses. Maybe have one guitar doing the fingerstyle throughout while the other strums on the choruses.
As always, looking forward to more. And thanks once again (hopefully always as well) for making my Sunday night fun by sharing your music.
Peace
When I looked at this weeks assignment I just shook my head thinking, this will be a tough one . . . . . . and then when I started writing it just flowed . . . .
Obviously I'll have to think of an extension exercise for you for this week.
I like this I think the melancholy almost mournful feel to the song backs up the story perfectly. As David says I want the narrator to be a bit stronger at the end and having dealt with it move on but close the door firmly on the past.
I'm not too bothered about the stop in the chorus bit sudden first time but then got used to it but I can also see David's point - we all get hung up on rhyme schemes when we don't need to.
Great stuff
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
hey I like this, its well written and the recording reminds me of johnny cash for some reason which is a good thing. great job!
"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile
Hey Neil, another great song from you mate, well done!
David wrote;
if you didn't worry so much about the rhyme, hid it in fact in another line
LOL nice to see advice about ryming given in a rhyme! LP
Pete
ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"
