Week 42 - Thoughts (now Standing Still) - Bob - now with MP3

hiya bob

sorry Iam away at the moment and just popped into a cafe to check up on ssg , ( thats why no song from me yet )

I like this Bob but I am a little concerened about the amount of

"Thought"

In it ...

I would leave the second part of chorus as is and just alter the first part

to some thing like this

Thought about calling just to say hello
Wondered about SMS
Dreamed about writing you a note
I don't know what would be best

Just my opinion but it thn gives the second part more depth I feel anyways ..

Will be back writting and posting real soon just got dragged away for a couple of weeks unexpectly ...

cheers
Hilch :?:

Hi Bob,

I usually find myself agreeing with hilch but on this thought, I don't. Afterall, the title is Thoughts . . . . . and I think expressing these as thoughts is much different than dreams or wonderings. Being merely thoughts show a lack of depth, and I think that's part of what you're getting across . . . . at least to me. And I think it reflects that universal lack of depth as we go through life not addressing the things we might . . .

Any music for this we might be able to listen to soon? Would love to hear it . . . . music gives life to words and I really enjoy what you have written.

Neil

Hi Bob

Always good to see you, sir! And I'll have to fall on the side of the "thoughts" are fine. My comment would be that if you're going to have the word "thought" so prominent, you might want to change the title! Maybe Standing Still, taken from the chorus? Just a thought. :wink:

Okay, I truly didn't walk in with that dreadful pun in hand...

Speaking of ideas, I'd like to suggest changing some of the fourth lines in the stanzas, simply to hammer home the point that the narrator simply didn't follow up on any of the options he presents. In the third and fourth stanzas, this comes across very well. But not so in the first two:
Thought about calling just to say hello
Thought about SMS
Thought about writing you a note
I don't know what would be best

Thought about speaking to your sister
Thought about ringing your dad
Thought about asking your brother for a drink
But that seems a little sad
I was thinking more along these lines:
Thought about calling just to say hello
Thought about SMS
Thought about writing you a note
Never found the time I guess

Thought about speaking to your sister
Thought about giving your dad a call
Thought about asking your brother for a drink
Instead of sitting here watching the walls

Or (hopefully) something better than that, but the general idea is to make the narrator a little more interactive in his inaction. If that makes sense...

And I'll also join the call for music!

Glad that you had the time to participate this week and looking forward to more.

Peace

I'm going to go with David's suggestion. I like how he changed some of the lines,

Thought about calling just to say hello
Thought about SMS
Thought about writing you a note
There's just no time I guess.

Thought about speaking to your sister
Thought about giving your dad a call
Thought about asking your brother for a drink
I just sat and watched the walls.

That is how I would expand on David's ideas. I like the word "just" it's creates a good sense of sadness, or at least in my mind it does.

The music's coming along and it's changing some of the lines written down here - interesting part of the crafting or refining of the song rather than the writing.

The music is making me realise the chorus is very weak and possibly two lines too long so that's due for a change - I just haven't decided to what yet.

Edit

I'm standing still
Going nowhere fast
Your memory's all too clear
Trying to make it my past

I like the suggestions from David and Off He Goes - I'll certainly take them on board.

Mainly I'm pleased I've written one and that you actually got it - something's gone right somewhere - I might play the lottery this week :wink:

Title will not stay as is, David, as I wasn't particularly enamoured with it when I used it but I needed to save the word document on which I wrote out the lyrics and it stuck.

I like this one, this was my favorite part.

Thought about an accidental meeting
It's not that easy. Is it?

Do you have a recording of it?

Hi Bob,
This is good, well done mate. I like David and Paul's suggestions I think they would work well. There is one thing that come to my mind though, and its because I haven't heard you sing it yet. I keep wanting another line in the chorus.
Heres how it reads to me:
I'm standing still
Da dada da
Going nowhere fast
Dada dada da
Your memory's all too clear
Da dadada da da da
I'm trying to
Da dada da
make it my past
Da da da da
<Im wanting another of these>
Da dadada da da da Funny how the comment almost fits the meter is it.

Anyway just a thought, I think the songs pretty good really.

Cheers

Paul

Hey Bob, I really like this, its got a quirky feel to it, but manages to convey a message all the same. Would love to know what kind of music you've got in mind for it!

Pete

Music is there finalised the chorus the other night just need to record it and post it - hopefully by the week-end

Bob

MP3 available at My Soundclick Page (link at the bottom of this post)

Bob

Wow!

It's funny when you read just lyrics how you often get ideas in your head and then when you hear the music you're either close or way off. I was definitely way off on this one. And I'm glad because this really kicks!

And I like the way the chorus comes across. The way it's phrased, you can definitely use Paul's idea of a call and response sort of thing. Maybe at the end interjecting the lines of a verse in between for the first two lines of the chorus as you repeat them:

I'm standing still
Thought about calling just to say hello
Going nowhere fast
Thought about SMS
Your memory's all too clear
I'm trying to make it my past

I'm standing still
Thought about writing you a note
Going nowhere fast
There's no right time I guess
Your memory's all too clear
I'm trying to make it my past

Very nice work, Bob. So what are you doing next week? :wink:

Peace