Simple Words Y 6 Week 15

Hi Trev,

the thing that strikes me about this song is that there are some things that are really good and others that could be improved. Verse 1, 2 and 4 are fine to my mind,
If we were still only sixteen
When our lives were such a dream
Knowing then what we know now
We would still be together somehow

Lines 1 & 2 are linked as are 3 & 4
Catching dreams under the rainbows
Softly holding hands and going slow
With soft kisses in the sunlight
All these little things feel so right

lines 1 2 3 are all linked by line 4

I'll wipe away the tears you cried
Hold you close to feel your love inside
Seeing you smile is what I like
For its only your love that I desire

again lines 1 & 2 are linked as are 3 & 4

Its a kind of a proposition / resolution thing.
Looking at verse 3 and the chorus though what I get is a list of ideas (the old bullet point style) where each line appears unrelated. I think that these stanzas would benefit from the style of the previous verses.

just my opinion of course

cheers
Paul

Mmm

I think I know what your getting at Paul , I'm just trying digest it right now though , I know your not a fan of the old bullet style ,

Right now I am looking reading and trying to understand what you are saying , and being in type form its a little hard to get exactly what you are saying with out there being any confusion .

If I understand what your saying " I should have all lines linked to the chorus ? " Or is it Last line of previous verse should be linked to following verse ?

Or just start all over again

:? :? :? :? :? {confused Trev...} :? :? :? :?

What Im trying to say is this: Take your 1st verse

If we were still only sixteen
When our lives were such a dream
Knowing then what we know now
We would still be together somehow

Line 1 says "If we were still only sixteen" so Im thinking "OK what about it ?" Line 2 says "When our lives were such a dream" so I'm I thinking "Oh yeah I remember" Line 3 says "Knowing then what we know now" and Im thinking "yeah that's right, knowledge is a great thing" Line 4 says "We would still be together somehow" im thinking "yes exactly"

what you've just done here is built a proposition in my head with the first 3 lines and the last line is the conclusion. Same thing happened in verse 2, great. And verse 4 to lesser extent.

Now look at verse 3

Our deep love is our holy grail = Im thinking "ok fine"
A love like ours will never fail = Im thinking "ok fine"
Your more than any soul mate = Im thinking "ok fine"
Your my loving angel heaven sent = Im thinking "ok fine all this is very well but why are telling me this ? whats your conclusion ?"

Do you see what I mean, in the other verses you built up a proposition and came to a conclusion. Here you build the proposition but there is an unsatisfactory conclusion (to my mind).
You could argue that lines 3 & 4 here are proposition and conclusion but then lines 1 & 2 really add nothing to that proposition.

All this of course is just the way I see things and others may disagree, heaven forbid that we should all write songs exactly the same way.

cheers
Paul

Ohh now I am with you mate ..

Thanks for that I just write what seems to be right to me , its great to get someone else s view on my ideas thats why I post them , thanks heaps for explaining exactly what you were seeing with in the lines .

I thank you for being so honest and giving such a detailed opinion ..

Cheers

Trev... :wink: { no longer confused }