Hi!
These are my two:
I'll Show You
I'm not like the other ones
And you think that is a lie
Of course you do - I would do too
When so long you've gone by
All alone, and on your own
It's hard to tell a Judas kiss
It's crazy that I have to prove it
But that's the way it is...
Heartache and pain, (chorus)
your lifes companion
Dreams of love,
weaken your breath Â
You ask me if
my love will be true.
It will. Â - Â Ill show you.
Take my hand and follow me
I'll show you Spring's first blossom
And Winters grief the Autumn leaves
Where Summer in our bosom
Always shines outside of times
Now that's my promise, yes, except
I cannot show you always
It hasn't happened yet
Heartache and pain,
your lifes companion
Dreams of love,
weaken your breath Â
You ask me if
my love will be true.
It will. Â - Â Ill show you.
The service in return I ask (bridge)
Is a shoulder for my tears
An ear for my fears
A heart that won't mask
It's quenching rap
A home in your lap
So think about the thing you ask
The answer that you want to hear
The devil calls me Johnny Balls
With me you'll have no man to fear
Just say no and then I'll go
Forgot the foolish things I said
Well? What's it gonna be babe?
It's hanging by a thread
Junkyard Joe
(this is a 12 bar - blues with the verse over measures 1-7 and the chorus over measures 8-12)
I first met Joe, it was in seventy-five
He was selling hubcaps just to stay alive
Sammy got him into whites and that's where it went wrong
Or maybe he just didn't take the straight road all along
Junkyard Joe, Ol' Junkyard Joe    (chorus)
he got you covered from head to toe
if you're short on bread he got the dough
when you need a fix see Junkyard Joe
Everyone knew him, or owed him this or that
Police never got Joe, ‘cause there was no rat
That never got a piece of cheese, to keep him satisfied
And everything was going right until the wrong man lied
(chorus)
Old ladies said: Joe? He goes to church every day!
That's where he was doing business, see that boy pray
And they shot him when he left the church, those foolish violent boys
He died there in the sun and got burned by all the noise
Excellent! You are a real storyteller!
"I cannot show you always
It hasn't happened yet"
are two very good lines!
I'm impressed (and jealous)!
These are two really good submissions and as Jonsi said good storytelling.
I did struggle with Junkyard Joe, line lengths seem overly long in some places, but I'm assuming that as you've said it's a 12 bar blues that it works. I don't have my guitar handy as I'm writing to check.
Not too sure about the last two lines of the bridge for I'll show you as they seem forced to me and aren't really contributing. May be worth taking another look.
Otherwise good stuff
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
Hi christiaan :)
good job. One thing i have to say though. In junkyard joe
Old ladies said: Joe? He goes to church every day!
That's where he was doing business, see that boy pray
And they shot him when he left the church, those foolish violent boys
He died there in the sun and got burned by all the noise
I would like to know why the boys shot him in the church?
Is that where he done his business from?
did they want something he wouldn't give them?
just my opinion sweep or keep
inkpen :)
Yep...good storytelling.
I thought some of the lines were a bit longer than
the really need to be. And some of the phases
are inverted a bit. i.e. "I would do too"
The second one runs rings around the first in my opinion.
It does need some line length fixes and some word order changed but it's a great story.
Very colorful stuff.
