Hey heres a little thing I wrote (honestly it was before I saw this :!:) but it fits the topic so here goes.
A bothersome sunrise beckons to my eyes
a muscle tenses up so the curtains surly rise
and your light hits my lens and it focuses to you
your a vision of perfection sliding smoothly into view
Your my sweetheart's shadow holding hands against the wall
Just 2 steps out and down the side we fall
So hold on tight if you feel my hand slippin
and cover up quick before the rain starts a drippin
You've been mine for as long as I remember
and even if our fire died, it'd rise up from the embers
So let the sun wrap your silhouette and my fingers hold your hand
And the light hit your eyes like a diamond in the sand
"Goodmorning sunshine" you say with a smile
but sleep still holds unto my hand for awhile
the blinding light its too bright for my dreaming
your spinning in the center scintillating and gleaming
And I awake to the radio and blinds closed tight
not that it matters in the middle of the night
you danced out of view through the window to the skies
and leave me in the dark without the light behind your eyes
"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile
Hi Dneck
I like a lot about this one, the way various images reappear every now and then, much like the dream sequence I imagine this to be. And the last line is a real winner.
Not sure of the last line of the second stanza, though. The "a-drippin" seems to bring things to a halt, drawing unnecessary attention to itself and stopping the flow of the verse. Maybe something to go along with the imagery of sliding and falling:
You're my sweetheart's shadow holding hands against the wall
Just 2 steps out and down the side we fall
So hold on tight if you feel my hand slippin
And catch my breath if my heart starts skippin
That's a little lacking as well, but perhaps something more along those lines...
Looking forward to more.
Peace
Hi
David makes a good point , and I may echo that I also like alot the lyrics in here ...
"So let the sun wrap your silhouette and my fingers hold your hand "
and
"Goodmorning sunshine" you say with a smile
but sleep still holds unto my hand for awhile
the blinding light its too bright for my dreaming
your spinning in the center scintillating and gleaming
Very creative writting mate
well done
Hilch :?:
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
what do you think of
Your my sweetheart's shadow holding hands against the wall
Just 2 steps out and down the side we fall
So hold on tight if you feel my hand slippin
And your fallin' strait up cause the whole worlds a flippin
"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile
I think I did that all cause I listened to this bob dylan free verse poetry thing called "Last thoughts on Woody Guthrie" and he uses the "a" a good bit like that and I kinda wanted to try it out, but ya I agree I would never sing the "a" part haha that would be crazy.
"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile
Hi Dneck
Good interpretation of the assignment - even though this was already in the bank as it were! :wink:
Defintitely agree the a flippin' should just be flippin' - otherwise good piece I enjoyed it.
Good stuff
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
