Had some problems with this week's assignment, so I scrapped my first effort and wrote something different. It's quirky and a little rough around the edges, and I have had some problems structuralising it, but I'd really like your feedback about what direction the song could be going in and how it might end.
I'm the man at the edge of the world
Live in a log cabin just before the drop
And if you drive in a straight line
For 100 days and 100 nights
You'll meet me and I'll have to ask you to stop
I live here by myself, on my little plot of land
Used to enjoy my job for the peace and quiet
A nice spot of fishing in the lake
The occasional conversation with a stranger
And looking down on the stars at night
Haven't seen a human face in quite some time
Used to have a pet snake - called Jake - for company, but he's no more
We can have a cup of tea before you head home
Think I'll sweep the porch again this evening
And watch the setting sun before it switches off
In the cold of winter I can get mighty depressed
This place just about freezes up
The days get short and I stoke up the fire
Once or twice I even thought about jumping off
But somebody's got to do this job
I've done my time and been granted my freedom
But I don't know much about what else to do
Spent my whole life at the edge of this world
Never known love and I've never known pain
And I'm going to stay right on cos I enjoy the view
I'm the loneliest man in the world
Sitting in my log cabin just before the drop
If you live in a straight line for 100 years
Get old and grey and never face your fears
You'll start to learn that it ain't so easy to stop.
Hopefully when I find the right music to this (I'm trying to avoid the standard blues progressions) it will be easier to iron out the little problems. If anybody could suggest anything to listen to that might inspire me, that would be useful.
I like how this song is mostly about the narrators feelings as opposed to their job. It didn't strike me as a blues song though, it made me think of 30 Seconds To Mars. Well, their softer songs anyway.
Here is an mp3 I recorded tonight. It's the first time I've posted a recording for your listening pleasure. :oops:
http://www.celluloid-samurai.co.uk/Man%20At%20The%20Edge%20Of%20The%20World.mp3
It's a bit rough 'n' ready but you get the general idea. The fingerpicking will sort itself out after a couple of days' practicing. Needed to sing louder as well but that will have to come at a later date. Still tinkering with bits of the lyrics.
My main concerns are that the song might be a bit too long and monotonous, and that it has no real hook. Should I write something to go between verses or just play a variation on the picking each time? I think the final version will have a second guitar which comes in for the interludes. But more importantly, do you like the song or do you find it boring? Would you change stations if it came on the radio? Would you go to the toilet if I played it at an open mike? Would you continue listening if it was Track 1 on my latest CD?
Many thanks for your comments, be they kind or harsh.
You play very well and yes, the singing needs to come up in the mix. I'm not sure it's about singing louder, though, because I think that you might lose some of the nice nuances of your voice.
I think for it to work well, you're going to want to truly trim down the lyrics to an extent. Not that it's long, but it sounds like you're fighting to fit them into your melody line (which is very good, by the way).
I've heard this sort of thing in a coffee house many a time and it's beautiful. Work on tightening it up and you've got a good one here.
Definitely looking forward to reading and hearing more.
Peace
Ahoy ahoy. I agree, the lyrics aren't necessarily too long, since the songs only 4 and a half minutes, but the consistency makes the song drone on to the end after a while. And take these comments as a completely opinionated perspective, because I know people who LOVE those songs. Hell, if you like coldplay you've gotta like those songs to some extent, but I don't and I'm going to critique it through my own taste in music.
First off as for singing, it is too low, I can't understand anything you say. Now this may be because the guitars too loud and I have to turn it down to where the guitar reaches a normal level and your voice becomes inauditable, because like mr hodge said, if you do try to sing louder it will change the tone of the song a bit. Once you do put your voice more in the forefront I'd recommend stressing the verse where he goes out into the world and finds it's too chaotic for his mind to take. Mayhap loud singing?
And if you have a loop program I'd suggest toying around with throwing in a viola starting from the beginning and then adding a violin somewhere in the middle. Nothing fancy, but it would give a constantly changing element to your song to make it more appealing and lively. I don't know a whole lot about these instruments, but look around for songs like this and you'll find them in the background everywhere.
"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell
Oh, I just thought of something. Find the song "don't follow" by alice in chains and listen to it a couple dozen times. I promise it will give you a new ear for this sort of song.
"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell
