First time actually posting here so here goes:
Cup of Death:
The cup of death will kill your mind
Fill it with thoughts asinine
The cup of death will quench your thirst
You must give up your life first
I'll Show You:
I'll show you how to be
Conform yourslef to be like me
I'll show you my way's right
I will slowly blind your sight
Give your freedom up to me
Today's the last day you'll be free
So yeah, there ya go. Critique.
Neither seems finished but you have the
hardest part done....the idea and the general layout.
Just need to rework the lines a little to get them
more in time. Â Leave each line with the same meaning
but ask yourself...can this word go...does it add or detract? Â Can I add a word to make this bump along
in a better way? Â
Oh...and welcome to the group!
They were finished but I just didn't think I should write more than the said amount of lines. Let's see if this is any better.
Cup of Death:
The cup of death will kill your mind
Fill it up with thoughts asinine
The cup of death will quench your thirst
But you must give up your life first
I'll Show You:
I'll show you how to be
Change you to be like me
I'll show you my way's right
Your sight turn black as night
I'll show you there's no hope
And with that you must cope
I'll show you!
I changed the syllable count to match accordingly. I should've done that first so I apologize. I hope this is better. Thank you for your criticism.
Hi Razor
Welcome to the SSG glad to have you aboard. Both submissions are fine I think the last line of Cup of death is a difficult line to get around and would suggest maybe revisiting it to see if you can just make it flow that bit easier.
An alternative could be
The cup of death will kill your mind
Filled up with thoughts asinine
The cup of death will quench your thirst
It's just your life to give up first
Thisis the beauty of the SSG as you'll get different opinions on the different submissions and we'll all still be friends ;). I actually preferred the original version you did for I'll show you I think it flows fairly well. It's got a real sinister quality but that again it's that last line that just doesn't quite fit.
An alternative could be:
Today's your last day to be free
Good Stuff
Bob ;)
You are what you eat, eat well
Hey Razor, welcome to Guitar Noise! Or, the asylum, as some of us would call it ;).
I really like what you did with both the titles, which were mine's! ;D. The last line in Cup of Death though doesn't seem to work that well, but otherwise I like it. And I agree with Bob, I think the first version of I'll Show You sounds and feels more horrible, which is good...not what I was expecting, but a great job, anyway.
Good work!
Laura
When I used the word "finished", my intention was
like the "finish" on a piece of furniture or a fine car.
Good stuff, just needed a little polishing. :D
Thanks for all the opinions. You guys are awesome. So after thinking about it a bit I decided to leave I'll Show You alone and use the way it was it the first post and I took Bob's suggestions and changed The Cup of Death. I hope you like it.
Cup of Death:
The cup of death will kill your mind
Filled up with thoughts asinine
The cup of death will quench your thirst
It's just your life to give up first
I'll Show You:
I'll show you how to be
Conform yourslef to be like me
I'll show you my way's right
I will slowly blind your sight
Give your freedom up to me
Today's your last day to be free
I thank you all again for your comments. I'll see you all for the next assignment.
