So here it is...I think it's too long, actually, I know it's too long, even though the verses are short...maybe I should combine them? Or delete a few verses? Or not insert the chorus in so many times? I don't know. Anyway, rough copy here, and in the rain's the best title I can come up with right now...
In the rain
[Verse 1]
A voice,
Unsettling,
Fills her mind.
A place,
So beautiful,
In her dreams
[Chorus]
Hmm…
She's waiting,
Despite the rain,
She watches,
And soaks it in,
The faint music,
Lures her near,
The devil,
Waiting here
[Verse 2]
The guitar,
In its case,
Waiting to be played,
The shadow,
Flashes down,
The mystery to be seen
[Chorus]
[Verse 3]
Beads,
Of green,
Hidden knowledge within,
Soft glow,
The perfection,
That was this immortal being
[Chorus]
[Verse 4]
Words,
Fill her mind,
Showing her true pain,
Horror,
To be refused
The moment has to stay
[Chorus]
[Verse 5]
Oh, the darkness,
Takes over her body,
The music,
Draining out her life,
He's tender,
As he moves about,
And gives her,
The gift for keeps.
She is forever,
Changed that way,
The emotions,
Suddenly miles away,
Only the strings,
Replay their melodies,
And the passion,
Stays within.
-Laura
Hi Laura,
I agree with you that it's a tad longish. But I don't necessarily think that's bad. What I might try would be 2 verses, chorus, 2 verses, chorus, last verse. Then, about that last verse, verses 1-4 are 6 lines apiece, and verse 5 is 16 lines. You might be able to take everything from "Oh the darkness" down to "The gift for keeps" and make it into a bridge, then use the rest as the last verse. You still have 8 lines there (if you were to do it that way) but you could tighten that up with a little more work on it.
Overall, I think it tells a good story, and will be a good song.
-Scratch
Hey Scratch,
Thanks for the suggestions! I think that's a great idea...but I would have never thought of it. Oh well. Now I know, and I feel so much better. ;D
-Laura
Hi Laura,
You've created a good, new song and with Scratch's suggestions, you have an even more powerful piece. I agree with the 2 verse/chorus/2 verse, etc. plan because it - in effect - is like combining the first verses, which seems like it will work well because your stanzas are short.
Nice work!
- SP
