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week 16

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(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 8184
Topic starter  

This is a first draft - it's a bit rough.

The sunshine haze
My Labarinth maze
The magic of her face
Remains in my mind
I am losing the race
To stay in this dream
I will wake soon and she will be gone.

Out of my reach
And out of my touch
My desire for the illusion
She is my Chimera......
..........My delusion

The day will soon begin
And this night will end
Time is elapsing
And this dream is collapsing
Around me alarm bells ring
It is time for the nightmare to begin

Out of my reach
And out of my touch
My desire for the illusion
She is my Chimera......
..........My delusion

Life without my dream
Is life without a pulse
The nightmare of alone
The warmth of stone.
The dreamgirl walks softly by my side
and can never be touched.

Out of my reach
And out of my touch
My desire for the illusion
She is my Chimera......
..........My delusion

 


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hello Jeremy and welcome

You've set quite a mood here; it's a great start. One thing I would like to suggest is that you reverse your use of "illusion" and "delusion" in the chorus.

Out of my reach  
And out of my touch  
My desire for the delusion  
She is my Chimera......  
..........My illusion  

It does give a little change from the ordinary, not to mention giving the listener much more to think about. Plus, as you might already know, I'm a sucker for internal alliterations and "desire for delusion" just rolls off the tongue.

Also (okay, I lied! Two things...   ;)   )  what might be kind of cool is to cut the last verse short, since you use "touch" much the same way in the chorus. Something like this:

Life without my dream  
Is life without a pulse  
The nightmare of alone  
The warmth of stone.  
The dreamgirl walks softly by my side  

(music and vocals just stop for a heartbeat)
 
Out of my reach  
And out of my touch  
My desire for the delusion  
She is my Chimera......  
..........My illusion  

These, as always, are just ideas. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.

Peace


   
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