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SSG2 - Week 16 - Illusion - Crit please

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(@mattutaylor)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 62
Topic starter  

Decided to go with the title thing, i feel this flows quite nicely.

Illusion

Here today, gone tomorrow
Leaving memories, best of forgotten
She disappeared, into thin air
Nothin i could do, but stand round and stare

BRIDGE - And now she's just a

CHORUS -
Fragment of my, imagination
In this twisted world i call my own
Lost inside a wild ILLUSION
Still never to scared to show

My worst fears, just became true
My darkest nightmares, (there)all about you
Every night I would dream you were fake
n you always wondered why I slepy awake

BRIDGE

CHORUS

So I've come to terms, you're not here anymore
The secrets unearthed, things gone back like before
Here today, gone tomorrow
Leaving memories, best of forgotten.

Not sure about you guys but i imagine this in a 3 doors down style. I actually have written music for this song too, i just gotta pluck up the courage to submit it as an mp3.


   
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(@blackswan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 51
 

Yeah, 3 doors down, pop punk rock style for me. I especially like the chorus. There's a few spelling errors though that you might want to fix, but otherwise I really like it.

And you should submitt the MP3.  :)

Good work,
Laura


   
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(@mattutaylor)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 62
Topic starter  

Thanks swan, i will correct those spellin errors, i was very tired, afterall it was like 2 am when i posted it. I am considering seriously doing an MP3 for this.


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

MP3 is definitely a good idea.  Unfortunately have never heard 3 doors down so can't picture that one.  But this is a really good start.  You worked Illusion in quite well in both imagery and title so full marks there.

You might want to think about losing some of the padding in the first verse as it'll make it more punchy:

Here today, gone tomorrow
Leaving memories, best of forgotten
She disappeared, into thin air
Nothin i could do, but stand round and stare

Try doing this with the rest of the verses particulary the last one which seems to have a couple of overlong lines at the start.

Otherwise

Great stuff

Bob ;)

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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(@mattutaylor)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 62
Topic starter  

Bob - strangely enough, in the actual version of the song i have written to paper, i have written exactly that "Best forgotten" and also "Stand and stare". Its just when i come to sing it, it feels like somethin is missin.

the last verse, i must've forgot to press enter between "Uneartherd" and "things".

If its any help guys the verse is Am C G7

Chorus is G Cadd9 G G D Am


   
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(@denim_tonque)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 17
 

I like it.
Making those lines more concise definitely improves the reading of it.  But, i've encountered times where what you're singing, and they are reading don't jive, so..........


   
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(@mattutaylor)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 62
Topic starter  

Hopefully it will not be one of them then :)

I have recorded this using audacity, but to be quite frank i am S**t scared of posting it, because i can not sing what so ever. SERIOUSLY! Any advice guys?


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

I really wouldn't worry about that. If you've heard any of the other MP3s (especially mine!) you already know that some of us will wait forever for a contract based on our singing! Do the best you can and try to stay within yourself. Most people can sing passably well. It's only when they consciously try to sing like someone else that they sound off.

As folks will point out, think of all the people making money for singing who truly can't sing!

Peace


   
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(@mattutaylor)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 62
Topic starter  

Thanks david, i will, i am just warning you, make sure no pets are in the room at the time as they may be tempted to start singing along!!!!!


   
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