Im a newbie,ive only just started writing songs this month and ive been learning the guitar for 3 weeks, so here goes i have written a few other songs but im am afraid to post them on here in case they are good (i doubt they are) and anyone steals them lol, any way here goes
edd hill ©
One minute you're up the next your going down
You're stood still but the world carries on spinning around
What will it take to knock you out of your tree?
Turn the axis horizontally
Sometimes you play the mad hatter
I'm your Alice, in this wonderland, life luxuries on a platter
Are we for the queen's amusement, just a pawn?
In a much larger game of chess on the lawn
It's not a bad thing sometimes
Maybe we are all following a script of God's designs
If only I was good enough to read the signs
Whatever though your worlds a safer place
You can't get hurt here, you can't be a disgrace
The problem is the door on realism will shut
Stay to long here your life will get in a rut
Detached from everything and everybody
Only dipping your feet into the pool of reality occasionally
Sometimes you play the mad hatter
I'm your Alice, in this wonderland, life luxuries on a platter
Are we for the queen's amusement, just a pawn?
In a much larger game of chess on the lawn
Break the barrier of your world; in others lives become involved
Listen and communicate and your problems will be solved
This could be fun and relaxing
Oh trust me, others lives will make yours seem less taxing
Oh if we are in a game, is this world really real
How can you distinguish between black and white?
Can you believe what's wrong is wrong and what's right is right?
Is now right wrong and wrong right?
Is now right wrong and wrong right?
If anyone can think of things to alter that sound better im open to criticism aslong as its constructive, this is a new song i wrote this afternoon so its a bit rougth around the edges, i havent even managed to figure out any tabs yet, it felt like a acoustic lead and the second guitarist playin an electric but i dont know really im new, thanks
:D
Hi'a Ed,
Well I like your ideas here, but I find the song very long and complex at this stage....... don't take that in a negative way. I tend to say this to any newbie from the start, I personally just don't do long songs unless it is for a folk club and they have the time to really listen.
The content of the song has a lot of potential, but I think you need to "walk" it out to yourself, by that I mean, strut around saying the lines and get the meter a bit more consistant.
Depending on your style it maybe fine, I can't get it to fit through out all the verse, some verses really slip over my toungue like melted butter but others are sticking and jarring.
Hope this helps a bit
Go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi,
I'm just going to cheat and say that I agree with Jamir's points. 8)
Cheers, Chris.
One minute you're up the next your going down
You're stood still but the world carries on spinning around
What will it take to knock you out of your tree?
Turn your planets axis horizontally
Sometimes you play the rabbit other times the mad hatter
I'm your Alice in wonderland, having life's luxuries on a platter
Are we for the queen's amusement, just a pawn?
In a much larger game of chess on the lawn
It's not a bad thing sometimes
Maybe we are following a script of God's designs
If only I was good enough to read the signs
Whatever though your worlds a safer place
You can't get hurt here, you can't be a disgrace
The door on realism is now contracting
Stay and the light in your sole will be diffracting
Detached from everything and everybody
Dipping your feet into the pool of reality occasionally
Sometimes you play the rabbit other times the mad hatter
I'm your Alice in wonderland, having life's luxuries on a platter
Are we for the queen's amusement, just a pawn?
In a much larger game of chess on the lawn
Break the barrier of your whole world
Thank you, god bless your soul girl
Then you'll feel a sensation
Societies communication declaration
Oh if we are in a game, is this world really real
How can you distinguish between black and white?
Can you believe what's wrong is wrong and what's right is right?
Is now right wrong and wrong right?
Is now right wrong and wrong right?
this is an edited version but i still feel i could do more with the song, i think the bit about life's on a platter and reality occasionly are the problem areas but i just cant think anymore at the moment ,adios
:D
