Long time no post
This is what I'm struggling with at the moment. It's not quite as well rounded as it could be. The chorus doesn't really fit with the first verse unless you try really hard to see him as just wanting a girl and not thinking he can just on his own merits. I think that needs to come out more.
A lottery win
His heart's desire
Social standing
Growing higher (thanks nroberts)
Money to burn
Girls on each arm
Currency boosts him
More than just charm
Throw out the lamp
And the lucky rabbit's foot
Search yourself
Until it's understood
That wishes can come true
But it's not by magic
It's down to you
Use the talents you're born with
A family home
Is all she dreams of
And a baby on
Each of her knees
To fill this hole
In her empty life
Maternal desires
As an old fashioned wife
Throw out the lamp
And the lucky rabbit's foot
Search yourself
Until it's understood
That wishes can come true
But it's not by magic
It's down to you
Use the talents you're born with
Just to score
To win the game
Increasing popularity
Cool kids shout his name
The spotlight he's in now
Is the one he would leave
If from this life of taunting
He could win a reprieve
Throw out the lamp
And the lucky rabbit's foot
Search yourself
Until it's understood
That wishes can come true
But it's not by magic
It's down to you
Use the talents you're born with
Hmm - re-reads tell me the last two lines of the chorus don't really work at all. I'll go away and work on it a little more. In the meantime. Let me know what you think.
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
Growing hire
I am assuming you mean 'higher'? I think you would have to, but maybe your trying for something different. If so, it went past me.
One thing I will say is that it is a bit of a travelogue. I think the assignment really makes it hard to do it any other way, but it still lacks a little in strength when it is done. What I mean is the hopping from one person to the next; there is no strong connection in the verses, only the overall theme connects them. If the story continued from the first verse into the second and third you would have something stronger. But what you have, and all travelogues have, is distinct stories in each verse. It is very hard to make such a form solid.
I like the chorus and the meaning behind the song. The verses are good, just not well linked. One way you could make a single story out of this is, just for instance, that maybe a lottery win is how the first person would get his three wishes: social standing; money to burn; and women fighting to get to him. You could probably expand certain phrases in the first verse and get three out of it. Of course, that would be a completely different song.
Hmm - re-reads tell me the last two lines of the chorus don't really work at all.
I disagree, Bob. I think the last two lines of the chorus work very well. At least as far as regards the theme / central idea of the song. They summarize it very well. Perhaps you could replace "talents" with something else.
"It's up to you,
use what you're born with"
or something. I agree that that line might be better stated, I'm just not sure how at the moment. But as it is, it puts the idea across very clearly.
-- Scratch 8)
p.s. By the way, thanks for finding the time to share some of your work with us. I know you're busy, but it's always a pleasure when you can find the tme.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
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