First try at this so cut me some slack, looks a cool group so having a go, might not be great but here goes. :D
Slow tempo, very bassy...
(Piano Intro then into Bass)
This box I'm trapped in gets far to much smaller every day,
Yeah, this box I'm trapped in gets far to much smaller every day,
Man, it's gettin' on my nerves so somebody just take it away.
If I had some more dammed space I'm sure I'd grow,
Yeah, if I had some more dammed space I'm sure I'd grow, (yeah)
I'd build a little boat, man, and away I would row. (Talking: Get me out of here!)
Piano Melody.
This box I'm trapped in gets far to much smaller every day,
Yeah, this box I'm trapped in gets far to much smaller every day,
If yeh have somewhere to put it, man, could you just take it away? (Talking: Take it away, boys...)
"Jazzed up" version of earliar piano melody to outro.
I just had to put my instrumental bits in their to show what I imanged for this, it was dead important to the song. Thanks for reading.
Hi James and welcome! Glad you joined in.
I like the feel of this and you've taken a good idea and gotten your feeling across very well. The only thing I'd suggest is maybe making the first verse (and the first part of the last verse) a little more active. The second verse is strongest and maybe having things less passive in the first verse might start you out stronger. Perhaps something like:
I'm trapped inside this little box and it gets smaller every day,
Yeah, I'm trapped inside this little box and it gets smaller every day,
Man, it's gettin' on my nerves so somebody just take it away.
Just a thought. Anyway, welcome again and I look forward to reading more of your material in the weeks ahead.
Peace
Hi James,
Certainly on the right track here. There were couple of places that I thought the metre was a little stretched. Maybe fewer words, something like this.
This box I'm trapped in is getting smaller every day,
Yeah, this box I'm trapped in is getting smaller every day,
Man, it's on my nerves can somebody please take it away.
One other thing occurred to me (just the way I think really) was that in the second verse you could talk about a bigger box rather than space. And maybe allude to the idea that the boat was just another box. Anyway just my opinion Good work
Cheers
Paul
