Hi everyone,
this is the first song I've written in a long while (new baby ! quite a distraction!)
Comments and brickbats welcome...
the old man stood on his feet in the kitchen
watching through heavy-lidded eyes
his son up at the counter
serving a customer his pies
serving a customer his pies
chorus:
the little boy who was raised in this place
now in charge, a man trying to be fair
deaf and blind to the ghosts of himself
that the old man sees everywhere
that the old man sees everywhere
the old man closed his eyes and remembered
the day he served his first pizza pie
young and strong with a family to feed
never dreaming how the years would fly
never dreaming how the years would fly
chorus
The old man ached so he sat for a spell
his son brought him a lemonade, cold
“go home dad, get some rest for yourself,
I've got everything under control
I've got everything under controlâ€
chorus
the old man quietly took off his apron
and departed for the short walk back home
to a worn-in place with its own set of ghosts,
but for photos and ghosts all alone
but for photos and ghosts all alone
chorus
Make every day count
Hi Jason and welcome!
Don't know if I can supply any brickbats; hopefully some comments will do :wink:
I like the story and what you've done with it. Very nice descriptions and the third verse especially is well done. Goes in my "wish I'd written it" file!
The main thing I'd suggest is that on occasion the language seems a little, I guess strained would be the word, but I'm not sure it's the right one. For instance in that third verse:
The old man ached so he sat for a spell
his son brought him a lemonade, cold
“go home dad, get some rest for yourself,
I've got everything under control
I've got everything under controlâ€
The second and third lines just don't seem natural. At least in terms of narrative description. It's a small thing to tweak:
The old man ached so he sat for a spell
his son brought a lemonade tall and cold
“go home dad, and get yourself some rest,
I've got everything under control
I've got everything under controlâ€
That might be one way to work it out. There are undoubtedly lots of others as well.
The second line of the chorus also is a bit unweildy and in the third line of the chorus it takes a moment to suss out who the "himself" is. The shift in focus is a bit hard for the casual reader / listener to get, even after a couple of tries.
Likewise, the second line in the final verse (plus the repeated use of ghosts) might do with just a bit of straighter narrative:
the old man quietly took off his apron
and stepped outside for his short walk back home
to his worn-in place with its own set of ghosts,
to sit with his photos and memories alone
to sit with his photos and memories alone
All in all, though, I really like this. Have you ideas about the sort of music (instrumentation and/or style) that you'd be setting this to?
Welcome again to the SSG and I truly look forward to reading more of your material in the future.
And congrats on the addition to the family!
Peace
Why thanks David, for the thoughtful comments and encouragement.
I agree with your sentiments about the lyrics being strained in places, and I like what you've done to improve the lyrics.
(as an aside, I do a lot of writing at work, and even with all this practice, wordiness is a difficult tendency for me to overcome. Conciseness is not easy!)
For example, after singing this through to see how the meter goes, I've tweaked it further:
The old man ached so he sat for a spell
his son gave him a drink nice and cold
“go home dad, and get yourself some rest,
I've got everything under control
I've got everything under controlâ€
and for the final verse
the old man quietly hung up his apron
stepped outside for the short walk back home
to a worn-in place with its own set of ghosts,
with his photos and memories alone
with his photos and memories alone
with these changes I actually like the last lines of the verse much better - I shortened them from your "to sit with his photos and memories alone" but I think they carry a lot more weight than my original "but for photos and ghosts all alone".
This new one actually has a double meaning
"with his photos and memories alone" can mean both 'alone with his photos and memories' as well as 'with nothing more than his photos and memories'.
regarding the music, I am working on this with a gently strummed minor key progression, with some arpeggio picking. I've sort of sussed out a simple Am/Dm/Em pattern for the verses, with a shift between the corresponding majors for the chorus.
I don't feel like it's terribly compelling yet, but it's a start.
One challenge I see is that, with the repeated final line of the verses and chorus, that it seems a little too much like "Cat's in the Cradle". At least to me.
thanks again for all your comments
regards
Jason
Make every day count
Jason
Good Job as for the edits I must say that sometimes less is more.
