Ok, here's the rewrite of my first attempt (see the original under SSG yr3 week 1). For something to do while I wait for next weeks topic I think I'll toy around with putting some music to it.
Worn and faded
I look at you and your style seems dated
Memories of the comfort you held
I still feel the way our bodies used to meld
Just like a long lost lover
The joys you offer I've rediscoverd
Sitting there
Your so inviting
Your warm support
is so enticing
Wrap your arms around me
Lure me in with an embrace so comfy
Your only purpose
You were built for pleasure
Always there
To support my leisure
Always waiting, ready and willing
To ease any pains I might be feeling
Sitting there
Your so inviting
Your warm support
is so enticing
Wrap your arms around me
Lure me in with an embrace so comfy
Now your covers torn and ragged
The support you offered has gone flacid
Your back and sides are quite bare
Mostly covered with the cat's lost hair
I never would have thought I'd dare
Never would have thought I'd care
To write this song about a chair
Sitting there
Your so inviting
Your warm support
Is so enticing
Wrap your arms around me
Lure me in with an embrace so comfy
"D minor, which I always find is really the saddest of all keys really. I don't know why, but it makes people weep instantly"--Nigel Tufnel
This song needs a lot of re-orginization. Try and put at least 4 (Four) lines in each stanza (Verse, Choruse, Bridge, etc whatever you want in it). Also the constant rhyming line after line is very repititious. Try and vary things up! Every line does not neet to rhyme.
Keep up the good work,
Bstguitarist,
KB1LQC
No matter what anyone says, these four men were the Innovators! of modern Rock & Roll!
Morse Code... Music on it's own
I agree, I don't like the Dr. Suess feel of it. Makes it read too much like a grade school poem in my opinion.
This has been a major problem I've had in everything I've tried to write. Keep the suggestions coming. That's why I'm here...to learn and have a little fun doing it.
I do not like green eggs and ham! :)
"D minor, which I always find is really the saddest of all keys really. I don't know why, but it makes people weep instantly"--Nigel Tufnel
Hey M1Sphit,
I think there's more right than wrong with this song.
first off, I think rhyming is good. Rhymes are your friends.
Much of the structure bst mentioned could be corrected with nothing more than getting rid of some line breaks. i.e.:
Sitting there
You're so inviting
Your warm support
is so enticing
I believe it was dhodge himself who said in your original post that the Dr. Seuss rhyming pattern was part of the song's charm. I'm very much in agreement with that. It's no freak happenstance of fate that Dr. Geisel was a millionaire in La Jolla who now has an entire library named after him at San Diego State. People like that sort of thing. Play to your strengths.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
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I think sratch said it all here, keep the rhymes. Although it is not necessary to have rhymes in verse, it seems to work here :D :D -the dog 8)
Personally, i think all the rhymes the better, but there is a catch 22. Too many in such short amount of time gets very repetitive and is very predictable. Mabye its just me, mabye not? im not sure but thats just me lol. An di stand behind that fact that if it were "cleaned" up a little it would be a stronger song.
Bstguitarist
KB1LQC
No matter what anyone says, these four men were the Innovators! of modern Rock & Roll!
Morse Code... Music on it's own
An di stand behind that fact that if it were "cleaned" up a little it would be a stronger song.
Right. My only point was that it needs a bit of cleaning up, and not an overhaul. And I'm not implying that you said to totally re-work it in your original post either. I was just making the point that only a few adjustments were needed. Personally, I often find that the more I "fix" the farther I get from where I wanted to be.
btw, M1Sfit, welcome to the group.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
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