SSG Yr5 Wk21-Sky Walkers

Hi Sabalo,

Over all I think this is a really well done piece. I've a problem with a few tiny things and some redundancy but that might just be me. Here are some things I noticed as I read this through . . . . .
Five hundred, above the floor

My first thought was that you were talking about five hundred people above the floor . . . . . later on you go on to clarify that it's five hundred feet. Why not add that to the first line as well . . . . . . doesn't seem to do any harm.
Perform the four human pyramid

A four human pyramid doesn't sound all that tough (then again I've never tried it!) May I suggest,
Perform a human pyramid that had never been seen before
Next;
Two hundred feet to the end of the wire
They are the first to ever try
All in the Square held their breathe
These walkers were sure to die

In the third line you use the word Square. It threw me off a litttle because I always have seen and imagined the circus in rings . . . or circles . . .
Too, in the last line you say that they were sure to die . . . . . . . that doesn't leave any room for doubt. I think you need to present it as a death defying trick and leave a little more room for chance. What about something like this;
Two hundred feet to the end of the wire
all below held their breath
As these two walkers are first to try
a feat meant to defy death

The rest reads pretty well. I think you could shorten it a bit and rid yourself of a couple redundant verses, but that just may be me. Particularly the following;
Four Human pyramid, seven
Eight and once ten
Walkers on the wire at a time
Last may never be seen again
I think you have lots of great images going here and with a little polishing, a really good song. What kind of music did you have in mind?

Neil

Hi Sabalo, I pretty much agree with Neil here, there's a lot of good imagery and good lines, but some lines don't quite carry the same conviction.....

First line, I'm sure you could fit "feet" in there somewhere....

"In the third line you use the word Square. It threw me off a litttle because I always have seen and imagined the circus in rings . . . or circles . . " - said Neil. Actually, the first thing that hit my mind was "Madison SQUARE Gardens" - not sure if that's a nickname for it or not, but just how it hit me.

As regards pyramids, I had a little trouble with the math.....I would think the smallest pyramid possible was three people, then six, then 10, etc....don't quite see how you'd get a 4-person pyramid....and as for that line itself.....

"Perform the four human pyramid ".....it seems there's something missing, some kind of link between the last verse, which is good, dealing with the safety net....

maybe something like "As they perform the double pyramid" - don't know if that actually makes sense, but it sounds good... would work?

"Two walkers up on the wire
Poles out to the sides
Short pole shoulder to shoulder
Two chairs for the others to ride "...... that verse kind of makes it clearer about the 4-people pyramid, but I had to think about it - by the time I'd got it you'd be a couple of verses further on.....

The rest of it's pretty good - this verse....

Four Human pyramid, seven
Eight and once ten
Walkers on the wire at a time
Last may never be seen again

seems a little forced, it could possibly be worded better, but it does get the point across....

OK I've got to ask - is this based on a true story? Whether it is or it isn't, it still earns you merit points - if you've made it up from scratch, bonus points for throwing in authentic names like Yorktown and "The Flying Wallendas"....if it's based on fact, good for you for digging out the story and telling it....

Like Chefie said, you're well on the way to a good song here - great imagery and atmosphere, really authentic, you got my imagination and my mind's eye working overtime - just needs a few little tweaks here and there.

I look forward to reading more from you in the future......

:D :D :D

Vic

I think he meant square as in they were walking the wire above the square like the Wallendas--or even like Madison Square Garden. That part I was okay with. A lot of it is good and has some great imagery. It could be a great song, but I think could use just a bit of restructuring. Some suggestions below.

I'd change "floor" to "ground" to make it clear that they're outside, otherwise 500 feet off the ground and 200 feet across sounds ridiculously high and long. I figured from the beginning that you were talking about the Wallendas, but not everyone will realize that, so make it clear at the beginning that they're outside, so your measurements don't sound way off. And the imagery will be even stronger then.

Five hundred feet above the ground
Not a safety net in sight
It wasn't something they'd be needing

(Things like nets don't typically get lost and wire walkers don't use nets)

For the opening show tonight

The seven human pyramid
Never seen before
The slightest slip could send them
Five hundred feet to the floor

Two walkers on the wire
Poles out to the sides
Short pole shoulder to shoulder
Two chairs for the others to ride

Walking for fame and fortune
Be sure to never tire
To be one of these walkers
You must glide (or fly) across the wire

Two hundred feet from end to end
The first to ever try
All in the Square held their breath
These walkers were sure to die

Step by step inch by inch
Into the silent air they go
All trying not to look down
Into certain death below

Silence shattered by the roar of the crowd
Echoes across old York Town
A fifteen minute ovation
The Flyers safe on the ground

Walking for fame and fortune
Be sure to never tire
To be one of these walkers
You must glide (or fly) across the wire

Generation to generation
The wire has been the claim
Of both the lives and deaths
Of the holders of this name

Human pyramids, of seven, eight
And even once of ten
Walkers on the wire
Some never seen again

It is said when a Flyer falls
They're light as ash over fire
To hold the Wallenda name
You live or die on the wire

Walking for fame and fortune
Be sure to never tire
To be a Flying Wallenda
You must fly across the wire

Hey Guys Thanks for the feedback. I had a couple of days only to post before going out of the US for a couple of weeks and I am just back. It was hard for me to figure our how to tell the story of the Flying Wallendas using just imagery and I really had no time to put a Melody on it. The real story is that the wallendas did leave their net behind before their first appearance in Madison Square Gardens. The Human Pyramid is two walkers on the wire, each has a pole for balance and another pole from their shoulder to shoulder. The two girls then balanced on chairs on the pole that was held by the two walkers. So even without the net they decided to walk , facing certain death if they fell. They went on to make it and recieved the longest standing ovation in history at the Gardens. The Family went on adding to the number of walkers untill it reached 10 in the pyramid, but said they would not do it again as it is just too dangerous, or so I seem to remember. Once during a fall to the wire a reporter remarked the Wallendas were so gracefull, even when they fell it was like they were flying, thus the name. Several have been Killed in falls or severely injured but they continue even today, though not as prominent as they were during the Barnam and Bailey circus days. Anyway that was my circus lyrics and thanks for the input
D