SSG10-Week 25 Drive

Im using a cell phone tonight. On reading this, I hear it being sung in BB King style. Ill listen to your recording tomorrow.

On reading this, I hear it being sung in BB King style.
Then you're in for a surprise :lol:

James,
As always a catchy tune and very listenable. Nice melody and flow. Captures the mood of teenage car obsession I recall. I can see where the "her" reference could even be a bit of a metaphor. :note2:

Some suggestions: My recollection of car obsessed friends usually included lengthy and detailed discussions of car brands, horsepower, engines, modifications, stereo, music flashy accessories, etc. From a content standpoint, I am wondering what "she" looks like, what color, type, etc. In listening I am stuck in neutral. For me it would help to have sense input imagery, sounds, smells, vibes, etc.. In the last verse I'm not sure who or how the demons fit in this song since they are only included in the last line. :? :

I hope this helps, as always, keep what seems useful and toss the rest. :)

Andy

Hi Andy,

Thanks for the listen and feedback :D
I am wondering what "she" looks like, what color, type, etc. In listening I am stuck in neutral. For me it would help to have sense input imagery, sounds, smells, vibes, etc..
Yes, I thought about that.

Here I was hoping the lack of details would cause the listener to fill-in their own image of their first car and I tried to focus more on the feeling of excitement. Kind of like Bryan Adams "Summer of '69" "I got my first real six string"....the listener doesn't know what type of guitar but if they play might picture their own.
http://www.lyrics007.com/Bryan%20Adams%20Lyrics/Summer%20Of%20%2769%20Lyrics.html

Here I didn't think the details of the car would draw the listener in.....
The details of a 1970 Oldsmobile Delta 88 blue Sedan with white top; similar to this
http://www.flickr.com/photos/skitmeister/4558399093/

I'll see if I can fit anymore sensory details without be car specific.
In the last verse I'm not sure who or how the demons fit in this song since they are only included in the last line. :? :
Yeah, that was a stretch what I was going for was the idea that a drive can make you feel you're leaving your troubles behind.

Would this be better?
I can out run my problems and leave them behind
or
(I) don't need to bring my problems; just leave them behind

....maybe this:
Faster and faster and faster
Wind in my face feeling fine
Don't need to bring any worries; just leave them behind

James

James,
I do still like the "Summer of 69" but it doesn't have the same meaning for me now. Back in 84 when I got the Reckless album I got imagery from "Bought it at the five-and-dime Played it till my fingers bled" "Jimmy quit, Jody got married" "Spent my evenings down at the drive-in And that's when I met you" "Standin' on your mama's porch You told me that you'd wait forever" . For me the video didn't do the song justice. Looking at the lyric now much of the rest seems cliche to me, but Bryan has the track record. I first saw and like him when he opened in 1981 on the You Want it You Got It tour, and he successfully captured teenage and young adult male angst for me. I can't remember if he did a car song.

Worries or problems do work better for me than demons. Demons implies being deeply troubled. The lines "Man we were killin' time We were young and restless We needed to unwind" set that up in Adams song.

Drive is a good start and I want to like it. There had to be some likeable or cool items with the car that would make it universal. There were a lot of blue cars, engine size, cassette deck, etc. Or where did you go, was faster faster street racing or just cruising, etc. Any funny or cool stories (I struggled with that part for the Comet). Just ideas that occur to me.

I got imagery from "Bought it at the five-and-dime Played it till my fingers bled" "Jimmy quit, Jody got married" "Spent my evenings down at the drive-in And that's when I met you" "Standin' on your mama's porch You told me that you'd wait forever" .
Yes, those are support of sensory details that offset the "six-string" guitar image or lack there of....Worries or problems do work better for me than demons.
Agreed :wink:
There had to be some likeable or cool items with the car that would make it universal.
Yeah, I'm still thinking on that. The sensory details don't have to be visual, so maybe the hum of the motor or internal physical reactions to the sound or feel of the car......still thinking :roll:
Drive is a good start and I want to like it.
LOL It's ok you don't have to try too hard. I'm at one of those points where I read about lyric craft skills and I don't have those skills under my belt yet....I feel I am at the point where I can get a mediocre song done quick (and I'm not meaning that really as a put down...as we know with the weekly challenges, it's a challenge!), but I still have a lot to learn about taking the mediocre and seeing what's working or not working to get it to the next level.....so as always thanks for the critiques that don't let me settle for mediocre :D

:D
....maybe this:
Faster and faster and faster
Wind in my face feeling fine
Don't need to bring any worries; just leave them behind

definitely better

cheers Paul

Thanks for the feedback, Paul.

I tried a few more sensory details, but tried to focus on non-car model specifics.

I won't rerecord for a while as i was up all night with my middle child having a stomach virus. Finally got her admitted to the hospital at 4 AM. Nothing too serious but one of those things that needs IV and antibiotics to clear out of her system.....so I stole my other daughter's laptop for Internet access but will be in the hospital room with her a day or two.

James

Hope she gets better soon.
Paul

Thanks for the well wishes, Paul.

She started feeling better as soon as they started her on the anti-vomiting medication and saline drip.

POOF changes made :mrgreen:

I had to tag team with my wife to stay with our sick child, but it should just be one more day's stay while I take the other two and myself to school tomorrow....spring break is over :cry:

Glad to hear she is doing better. Maybe your interaction with medical professionals, the feelings about having a sick child, worries etc can inspire a significant song?

Maybe your interaction with medical professionals, the feelings about having a sick child, worries etc can inspire a significant song?
Possibly, but in my "real life" I spend a lot of time detaching myself emotionally. I don't "trust" emotions. I guess a close comparison is Dr. Banner and The Hulk....and the less time I spend getting "in touch" with my emotions, the more scared I become of them because I am "out of practice" handling them when they arise.....speaking of "negative emotions" of course.

However, my children and music are two areas of my life that it's definitely a heart before head process. My heart arrives in the situations first and then my head catches up and says, "It's ok. We can work this all out....just enjoy the freedom of not having to always be pragmatic and have to "think process" everything in life."

James, glad your daughter is on the way to health.

I thought the lyrics were good on the first version, but the changes made them better. I like the fact that you don't sing about actually going anywhere. When you're a new driver, it's about the journey, not the destination.

The music is a good fit.