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Y10 W25 Comet

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(@andygetch)
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This lyric doubles as a National Poetry Writing Month day 11 poem including all five senses. As always comments are welcome.

Walk under the US 41 bridge's clip clop of the cars
Where a comet once raced dreams among the stars
Looked out the trailer window a boy of twelve years
Wheels across the street the first car was near

Julie's daily ride
purchased brand new
Driven from Ohio to a sunset view

Small straight six station wagon
zero to fifty in sixteen seconds
AM pushbutton radio
with a wrap around curved rear window

Julie need's a new car
Andy get's the old
For two hundred dollars cash the car was sold

It rattled like a cymbal on hot hard sticky bench seat
for six months straight
No air conditioning sweat drips
on blue jeans with a pizza aftertaste

Hair blowin windows open
wrapped inside the yellow metal
Fishtailin on wet roads
foot on the accelerator pedal

Car ownership just means owing more money
Insurance tags pumps and plugs batteries killed
Gas oil fluids and tires to refill
Couldn't tell that kid who dreams to go somewhere
When its too far to walk and too hard to bike
For freedom to do what he'd like

Smell the burning rubber and oil
feel the shaking
Shrinking the size of their world
barriers breaking

Sitting under the US 41 bridge
three decades have passed
Comet's in the scrapyard
with a million other cars that weren't made to last

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(@jamestoffee)
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Hi Andy,

Nice job :D

I can appreciate your comment about me needing to put in more sensory details and then seeing yours. I know you mentioned this was for a poem contest/challenge and that's how it reads to me; as a very nice poem. I finished the read with a smile on my face and a head full of details.

I am calling this a poem, not in a bad way, but in saying it seems complete. I think lyrics have a sense of incompleteness because they need the music to be more than the lyrics can be on their own.

Suggestion: I'm not clear what the set up is in the first verse. It would be less confusing for me if it just started with "Julie's daily ride".....I know it's to tie the full circle of 1st and last verse together.....

Walk under the US 41 bridge's clip clop of the cars.......Here walking
Where a comet once raced dreams among the stars
Looked out the trailer window a boy of twelve years......Here looking out a trailer
Wheels across the street the first car was near......not clear "Wheels across the street".....first car? not clear

The challenge now is to make a poem lyrics. :wink:

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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(@andygetch)
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James,
Thanks for the listen. When we got this assignment I couldn't come up with any exciting stoiries. Also a pretty boring car :roll: , at least yours had some horsepower :lol: Here is a picture similar to what I used to drive drive drive :lol: as I remember it:

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploads19/ccrp_0803_03_z%252B1964_mercury_comet%252Brear_view1319158428.jp g" target="_blank">http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploads19/ccrp_0803_03_z%252B1964_mercury_comet%252Brear_view1319158428.jp g"/> &w=640&h=480&ei=k0GRT7zLD8WZ6QHiy8G0BA&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=559&sig=106771864401042514746&page=1&tbnh=152&tbnw=240&start=0&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:12,s:0,i:96&tx=180&ty=80"> http://forums.pelicanparts.com/off-topic-discussions/635741-station-wagon-5.html&docid=VlQ6LtPwlK8qJM&imgurl=http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploads19/ccrp_0803_03_z%252B1964_mercury_comet%252Brear_view1319158428.jp g" target="_blank">http://forums.pelicanparts.com/off-topic-discussions/635741-station-wagon-5.html&docid=VlQ6LtPwlK8qJM&imgurl=http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploads19/ccrp_0803_03_z%252B1964_mercury_comet%252Brear_view1319158428.jp g"/> &w=640&h=480&ei=k0GRT7zLD8WZ6QHiy8G0BA&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=559&sig=106771864401042514746&page=1&tbnh=152&tbnw=240&start=0&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:12,s:0,i:96&tx=180&ty=80

I went back and read the FAQ's and decided to focus on lyrics first unless I feel music really strongly or get music ideas for a song first (rare for me). I have heard more than one songwriter (that I highly respect) say the lyric or story should stand on its own without music so I always take poetry references as a compliment. I have written a number of poems that aren't lyrics (yet, maybe at 50/90). :D I had some music in my head while writing down the words for this one, I'm not ready to refine or record yet though. By turning a poem into a lyric I presume you mean to establish a meter and identify verse chorus bridge etc. I haven't labeled it that way but also have something in mind. I literally got the idea walking under the bridge and wrote it there so that was the basis for using it as a connecting point across time from then to now. The Julie... lines is what I had in mind for a chorus part but haven't decided on the degree of repetition or variation yet. Probably need to set up with her as the neighbor across the street with a little more detail, maybe in an intro. As always, thanks for taking the time to read and the constructive comments :!:

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(@jamestoffee)
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at least yours had some horsepower
Yes, mine did have horsepower for sure but it was a pain to park! I went from that to my second car being a 1981 Toyota Tercel hatchback like this:
http://www.oldparkedcars.com/2009/12/toyota-tercel-sr5-hatchback.html
Talk about no horsepower! I drove that thing around until it broke.....I think the rubberband snapped one day :lol:
By turning a poem into a lyric I presume you mean to establish a meter and identify verse chorus bridge etc. The Julie... lines is what I had in mind for a chorus part but haven't decided on the degree of repetition or variation yet.
Yes, identifying the vs, ch, bridge what to do with Judy :P
Probably need to set up with her as the neighbor across the street with a little more detail, maybe in an intro.
Interesting....my assumption was she was an older sister.....like a lot of hand-me-downs that go in the family from oldest to youngest.
I have heard more than one songwriter (that I highly respect) say the lyric or story should stand on its own without music so I always take poetry references as a compliment.
I am surprised to see that.....send a link to some sources b/c I've only heard the opposite....but yes, calling your work a poem is complimentary. I think creativity will overlap media and sometimes a different media is better for the delivery of an idea....like when I tried to put "Night of the Iguana" into a song. The idea was too big and comes across much better as a play/film.

Here are some ideas on the subject of poems and lyrics supporting a differentiation:
http://www.songlyricist.com/lyricorpoem.htm
http://www.taxi.com/music-business-faq/songwriting/lyrics/apoemisnotalyric.php
Sting experimenting with the question of lyrics standing on their own:
http://www.amazon.com/Lyrics-Sting/dp/B002LITSUW/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334924931&sr=1-3#reader_B002LITSUW
I literally got the idea walking under the bridge and wrote it there so that was the basis for using it as a connecting point across time from then to now.
That's fine. It's just that there are opposing images in verse 1. Was the singer walking down the street or in the back of a car?
Walk under the US 41 bridge's clip clop of the cars
Where a comet once raced dreams among the stars
Looked out the trailer window a boy of twelve years
Wheels across the street the first car was near

Maybe it's a bit confusing because we don't know who is talking to whom. Is the first line the singer to the singee/listener?
Is the 3rd line omniscient narrator talking about a character?....or is it the singer talking about himself in 3rd person?


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
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Posts: 2096
 

Hi Andy,

nice poem and yes there a great base for a song in here. I especially love that 1st line I can hear the clop clop as I write this, almost like a heartbeat. For me a song has 3 minutes to deliver the message and typically this is reinforced by way of repetition so to convert a poem to a song the approach I would take would be to decide which one of the themes in the poem was most important and concentrate on that. Then use the other ideas in there to "dance" around the central theme. My money would be on the 1st and last verse using the clop clop / heartbeat theme in the chorus to allude to emotion or passage of time. Just they way I look at it of course you may see it differently, anyway I like what you've got.

cheers

Paul


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(@andygetch)
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I especially love that 1st line I can hear the clop clop as I write this, almost like a heartbeat. My money would be on the 1st and last verse using the clop clop / heartbeat theme in the chorus to allude to emotion or passage of time.

cheers

Paul

Paul,
Thanks for the comments and I agree that I have a couple of extra ideas (cost of vehicle ownership, multiple time points of view) that probably can be other, but related songs. I believe that to go beyond ten seconds it needs to be interesting, but for me, if the song is interesting I don't mind listening well past three or even five minutes.
I am surprised to see that.....send a link to some sources b/c I've only heard the opposite....)

James,
One was a local verbal comment at a singer-songwriters circle. The other I recollect was an interview Rodney Crowell, but can't find quickly.
I found this here:

http://www.inspired-songwriting-tips.com/writing-song-lyrics.html

"A good lyric should be able to stand by itself without the music. Writing lyrics that can stand alone is a skill that can take some time to develop."

Agreed that I have seen the contrary opinion and a philosophy that poems and songs are two different worlds. Fortunately the local poetry group I belong to does not have that philosophy. Think I'll start that topic over in the songwriting forum. :D

http://forums.guitarnoise.com/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=52806

More 50/90 material :mrgreen: :lol:

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(@john-sargent)
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I remember the "Comet" well. It's funny how car companies assign names to cars that describe missing attributes. My Dad had a Valiant with a slant 6, that took very little bravery to drive. He also had a Fury that was pretty damn tame. Later he had a Baracuda with another toothless slant 6 engine.
My first car, was an early 60's Olds Cutlass. It was really a dull sword and refused to start. I only owned it for 2 days and we wisely returned it before paper work processed.

In my 30's, I owned an early Hyundai Excel that certainly did not excel at anything except breaking down.
Are there other inappropriate car names out there?

Anyweay, I enjoyed your poem.


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
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Posts: 10264
 

Poem, lyrics, whatever - for me a song's just poetry set to music. I enjoyed reading this....firstly as a poem, without trying to put any music to it, which I usually do to get a feel for how it'd be sung.

First thing that came to mind when I tried putting music to it was "Thunder Road" by Springsteen....seems to flow well with that kind of groove. Like Springsteen, you've managed to cram a welter of imagery into a short space - don't know if he's on your "top songwriters" list, but he's well up near the top of mine, so you've already got me making comparisons with one of the all-time greats. BUT.....it's your song (well, lyrics, so far....) and you're going to have to go where the muse takes you. I hope she smiles fondly on you when you come to record this, I've got a feeling this is going to turn out to be a really good song!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@andygetch)
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First thing that came to mind when I tried putting music to it was "Thunder Road" by Springsteen.... don't know if he's on your "top songwriters" list Vic
Wow, Vic thanks :!: yep the Boss is way up my list too, and definitely has the car song genre down pat, ironically, Born to Run was the current Bruce album at the time I was driving the Comet. hmmmm "burned out Mercury's" or better yet "Comet station wagons" instead of "burned out Chevrolets"..... :lol:

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