This is my first post here, so I might be way out in left field, as I know very little about songwriting (as you'll see!). I'm giving it a shot nonetheless. Please give your feedback or critiques. I need them!! By the way, I was a little angry when I wrote this - an hour ago! >:(
Pain of One
You are only one,
one tiny little soul.
Yet you spread so much pain
everywhere you go.
You are one big lie.
You are filled with deceit.
Always up to no good,
You are nothing but a cheat.
I can't stand you, can't stand your lies
You are one tiny little soul
My time with you is done.
You bring on the pain of one.
You are on top of the world,
say that you are the king.
You don't even care
how much suffering you bring.
Caring about no one
no one but yourself G.A.
You will get no where
You'll eventually fade away.
I can't stand you, can't stand your lies
You are one tiny little soul
My time with you is done.
You bring on the pain of one.
Without your lies
Smiles will find their way.
There will be no more tears
to darken all my days.
I can't stand you, can't stand your lies
You are one tiny little soul
My time with you is done.
You bring on the pain of one.
Hello and welcome
For a first shot, this isn't bad. You've got a good sense of rhythm and the words flow nicely.
One thing that you might want to consider is making this a little more personal - not in naming names or anything, but rather in giving the lyric some sense of personality. Right now I have a vague sense of anger (it's amazing how many angry songs there are, no?) but it's very much anger in a general sense. Knowing nothing about what made you write this, I can't even begin to make a suggestion, but let me try to explain. Let's take the second verse.
You are on top of the world,
say that you are the king.
You don't even care
how much suffering you bring.
Caring about no one
no one but yourself G.A.
You will get no where
You'll eventually fade away.
In the first verse, you've successfully set up a general feeling of what you feel. Here in the second you could say more about the why or even simply give us more specific things to ponder as to why you feel this way. This is just an idea and it's right off the top of my head so I know it won't be that great!
You look down upon the world,
And declare youself the king.
With your headphones turned up so loud
You can't hear the suffering
But no kingdom lasts forever
And when you castle crumbles down
All the friends you could have turned to
Will walk away and let you drown
As I said, that's not the greatest...But the idea is to give either your  narrator (the "person" singing the song) or the object of the song (the tiny soul - which is great by the way! You could seriously work that angle a lot more into this!) something to separate them from the (literally) thousands of "anger" songs.
If you've not taken the chance, give Jamir's writing or Maxwell's or Alan Green's old songs here in the SSG a look through. Not to mention many, many of the other writers. This should give you more ideas as how to give the song lyric a personal touch. We want to be able to know a "jenlyncat" song when we read it!
I hope we get to read a lot more of you material. I think you're going to do well.
Peace
You'll eventually fade away.
Thanks so much for your suggestions. I will work them all. I really like the edited verses you wrote.
Thanks a million!!
Jen
