SSG2 - Week 10 - silly putty

Bad news clouds the window, anger grips your throat - I like the imagery here.  I picture someone seething, probably emotionally hurt, sitting in a car with the windows steaming over.   Perhaps sitting outside a funeral home, chest tight, fighting back tears.   This is a very vivid and powerful image packed chorus.

Good not great is well constructed and gets your point across nicely.  I really like them both, but that first one, wow.  

I agree Suffocation is powerfully written.

Good Not Great is well done as well. A few minor suggestions to it:

I've never won a Nobel Prize,
Nor a classroom spelling bee,
Never scored the winning goal,
Never Or won the lottery.
Rich or famous? No, I'm not not me
I dwell in mediocrity.
But I'm fine with what I've got.
Good, not great: that's me.

But as it stands it's fine.

God stuff

Bob  :)

These are really good Silly.

Bob was right on the second one...It read fine for
me the first time, but if I was singing it I would
probably end up doing a little rearrange on some
of the words.

i.e.
Cannot score the winning goal
Never won the lottery.      

Repitition can add punch, but it can also weaken a
line in some cases.  

Nice stuff.

Thanks a bunch, Bob and MJBird, for the good flow suggestions. I found them really helpful. Hopefully, in the new version, the repetition ("never..never") doesn't get too dull.

- silly putty

My revision:

Good, not Great
I've never won a Nobel Prize,
Nor a classroom spelling bee,
Never scored the winning goal,
Nor won the lottery.
Rich or famous? No, I'm not, I
Dwell in mediocrity.
But I'm fine with what I've got.
Good, not great: that's me.

Well first of all, both are good reading. Suffocation conjur some great images, as everyone has said. Good, not great (that was mine's  ;D) is good work as well, only I have to disagree about this part:

Never scored the winning goal,  
Nor won the lottery.  

I think never before won the lottery would fit pretty good here and wouldn't slow down the flow, but that's just me. Anyways, good work :).

-Laura

I liked the redo!

really liked suffocation.  the one thing i would maybe change though, the first couplet is a more direct image of suffcoation.  for that reason i would swap the 2 couplets around, as 'anger grips your throat' would flow into suffocation more sensibly i feel.

As for the second one, it nice, though it feels a bit like a hum-dum poem, where the object was to keep the rhyming going more than have any particularly striking imagery. thats not to says it not good. it is good, not great (sorry i just couldnt resist the pun)

Good writing, loved suffocation

I liked the redo!

I second that

Good writing

Bob  :)

Thanks a bunch, Bob and MJBird, for the good flow suggestions. I found them really helpful. Hopefully, in the new version, the repetition ("never..never") doesn't get too dull.

- silly putty

My revision:

Good, not Great
I've never won a Nobel Prize,
Nor a classroom spelling bee,
Never scored the winning goal,
Nor won the lottery.
Rich or famous? No, I'm not, I
Dwell in mediocrity.
But I'm fine with what I've got.
Good, not great: that's me.

I really like this. When I first read that title I had no idea what it could be about. Now I do! Great idea.