hey this is my first submission and probably the first song i have ever completely wrote....jamir's clever chorus helped me a lot...let me know what you guys think and definitely criticize i can handle it haha
jamir's drop the g string
VERSE Â 1
when im down and theres no one to lift me high
my sweet wooden baby is whom i always rely
shes sings to me softly in the dark of the night
i work out her tension she make it all alright
CHORUS
"Drop the G string baby
you're wound up much to tight
Let me help you get in tune
No need to fret tonight "
all your fussing and rushing tense me to no end
but when im with you baby, baby i need no other friend
even when im low you got me feeling so high
its so crazy hunny you aint even gotta try
let me hold you and
CHORUS
baby baby baby you drive me so damn wild
baby baby baby got me acting like a child
baby baby baby your everything i need
oh baby baby for you i'd run to bleed
Keep on rockin'
Hi'a rustnvrsleeps
Great all round and you kept it clean.... better than I could have done :-[
Just one line here below
all your fussing and rushing tense tease me to no end
woould sound better I think
go well
Ja'mir ;)
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi rustnvrsleeps
For a first submission this is really well written and cleverly done - oh yeah and clean. ;)
Some lines just seem a bit too long
but when im with you baby, baby i need no other friend
I would take out the second baby
And in the last verse maybe look at knocking out some of the 'baby, baby, baby' parts. As a suggestion
baby baby baby you drive me so d**n wild
baby baby baby got me acting like a child
baby baby baby your everything i need
oh baby baby for you i'd run to bleed
to
Oh baby you can drive me so d**n wild
And you've got me acting like a child
It's simple your everything i need
oh baby for you i'd run to bleed
Good stuff
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
Hi Rustnvrsleeps :)
good song i enjoyed reading it. I agree with bob on the chorus. The last line in the chorus threw me of just for a little until I realized you meant a guitar run, fingers bleed ect. But I'm thinking someone who don't play guitar may not know what you mean.Just the same I like it.
Just a thought.
take care
inkpen :)
Good stuff up til the end. Â I'd recommend dropping
all that baby s**t at the end into a diaper. :)
thanks everyone who replied i agree about the changes. Â MJ made me laugh with that baby sh*t comment...very clever. Â the song is much better now with changes.....(i made a few myself)
VERSE Â 1
when im low and theres no one to lift me high
my sweet wooden baby is whom i always rely
shes sings to me softly in the dark of the night
i work out her tension she make it all alright
Â
CHORUS Â
"Drop the G string baby Â
you're wound up much to tight Â
Let me help you get in tune Â
No need to fret tonight "
all your fussing and rushing tease me to no end
but when im with you baby, i need no other friend
even when im low you got me feeling so high
its so crazy hunny you aint even gotta try
let me hold you and Â
CHORUS
Oh baby you can drive me so d**n wild Â
with u in my life im laughin like a child Â
It's real simple baby your everything i need Â
so come relax and take a seat upon my knee
Keep on rockin'
Make sure you don't twist the lines around for meter's sake. A good test is would you say them that way.
"my sweet wooden baby is whom i always rely "
that one for instance.
