SSG2 Week 13 Nick

Ah, Nick...

Used to be that I was the one scurrying in under the wire of the last day of the week! Good to hear from you again!

Okay...

First verse

Lost in the madness of your kiss
I'm praying for your love
Waiting like the mantis
Waiting for the madness to come

Don't know if you want to use madness twice (especially since you use it again (and very well, I might add!) in the last verse. "Waiting for dementia to come" perhaps?

hidden in the tall summer grass
I'm praying to be found
Dance in shadows of the bonfire
darkness and diamonds above

What I'd like to suggest here is that you keep the verbal flow of the last two lines the same as in the last two of the first four (and again in the last verse). Perhaps:

hidden in the tall summer grass
I'm praying to be found
Dancing with shadows of the bonfire
Dancing in darkness and diamonds above

On to the chorus:

There's a moon in the sky here
Crying midnight lonely  
And I'm wondering if you see it too
A million miles from me

You know what I'm going to say, right? Let's let the moon do something. Active and not passive. You're halfway there! Also, let's work the internal rhymes a bit

The moon sits so high in the cloudless sky
Crying midnight lonely  
And I'm wondering if you are watching it too
A million miles from me  

Love the use of the "w" verbs (waiting, wasting, watching, wishing) in the bridge. Drop the "and" that starts the last line.

What sort of music are you thinking here?

Chat with you soon.

Peace

Yes, yes, yes, exactly what you said.  Thanks.

I changed the first verse last line.  
Made the moon do something
Changed the last two lines of the second verse.
Changed the final verse to match the two last line format of the first two.
Removed the and from the bridge.

Apple pies cooling on the window sill, laundry hanging on the line in the breeze, a dog barking somewhere.  That is the kind of music I hear for this one.

Lost in the madness of your kiss
I'm praying for your love
Waiting like the mantis
Waiting for the darkness to come

I think if she's not with you, you'd find it kind of hard to be lost in her kiss, and if she is kissing you, you probably wouldn't have to pray for her love, or wish she was yours.  I think I'd try:

Lost in the longing for your kiss
I'm praying for your love
Waiting like the mantis
Begging the madness to come

I like using the "madness" here because you use it effectively later when you "dreamt her in madness", and wasn't it grand? Oh for that euphoric moment of madness to overcome this embalmed state of reality, replacing its stale, hopeless, crushing nothingness with but a single flickering glimmer of sunlit reflected morning dewdrop nourished chance at a dream, nay even a thought of a touch of those lips so sweet, so pure, so... oops, guess I got carried away.  Well, you know what I mean.  Keep the madness.  Madness is good for you.  If it wasn't for madness, there would be no need for sanity.

This song sings to me.  I love the chorus, especially "crying midnight lonely". I hope we can hear it soon.

Hey Maxwell, I like that.  I think I'll steal it and pretend I wrote it that way originally.  You don't mind do you?

Thanks for the kind words too.

I'll try recording it this weekend.  I have some ideas.

Now does everybody see why listening to critiques is so amazing?  People do your work for you for free.

It can't be that my writing sucks so much that everybody is always right.  So everybody, take a good listen at what others are saying.

Thanks David and Maxwell for making my song better.

I would be offended if you liked it and didn't use it.  That would have made me feel self centered, egotistical, stuck up, and whatever other redundant adjectives you can think of to add in here, when in reality I am glad to help. ;D

Seems I remember you helping me out a time or two as well... 8)