Backstory, for what it's worth, this incident happened several years ago. A group of aid workers and missionaries were killed in Somalia by the local warlords. One of them was an Irish woman named Valerie Place. I had read a brief interview of hers at one point and the story has stuck with me, obviously, for some time. This is still very rough and I'm not at all pleased with how it's working out.
Chocolate And A Bath
Valerie is twenty three
She's a Place far from her home
Giving food and smiles to children
Scant souls of skin and bone
She says she wants for nothing
But should anybody ask
She'd love a bit of chocolate
And then maybe a hot bath
And she tells us all about her God
All powerful and good
In a world where there are always guns
But never any food
While somewhere in America
So far across the sea
Where even the poorest of the poor
Are as fat as one can be
A man sells us munitions
Via satellite and phone
Takes the money to McDonalds
And brings his family's dinner home
And they'll say a blessing to their God
All powerful and good
In a world where there are always guns
But never any food
Valerie is twenty three
And I guess that she will always be...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Yes, it definitely needs work. Where's Nick when you really need him, eh?
Peace
Here's my 10c worth David, although Nick i am sure would come up with some thing briliant.
I actually didn't find much i didn't like other than it was too short....... I was wanting more to see what happened. ..... so
Chocolate And A Bath
Valerie is twenty three in a place far from home
Giving food 'n smiles to kids, scant souls of skin and bone
She says she wants for nothing, but should anybody ask
She'd love a bit of chocolate,and then maybe a hot bath
And she tells us all about her God ,
All powerful and good
In a world where there are always guns Â
But never any food
While somewhere in America,far across the sea
Where even the poorest of the poor , are as fat as can be
A man sells us munitions, via satellite and phone
Spends the money earned on chocolate, a health bath spree
And they'll say a blessing to their God
All powerful and good
In a world where there are always guns Â
But never any food
Valerie is twenty three,and I guess she'll always be..
Dreaming of chocolate, and hot baths, behind what her eyes see
Asking her God all powerful and good , to help her to survive
Where corruption, greed and hatred are the wholly three
.
And she'll still say a prayer to her God
All powerful and good
In a world where there are always guns Â
But never any food
Valerie is 23 , she's on a lonely path
She'd love a bit of chocolate,and then maybe a hot bath
Yes, Valerie is 23 , think of her , when guns are fired
When news is bad and kids are killed, the ugly aftermath
So say a prayer to her God
All powerful and good
In a world where there are always guns Â
But never any food
Go well
Ja'mir ;)
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
I actually didn't find much i didn't like other than it was too short.......
Who are you, and what have you done with Ja'mir? :D
It gave me chills as I was reading it. Amazing song.
As always, thanks for the kudos and the suggestions, but I just don't know...
I agree that it should be longer, but I truly had (and still have) problems with this one. I figured that something in the folk vein would be easy, but the narration keeps threatening to turn preachy and overdone. Or worse, smarmy and/or sentimental. Or worse yet, self-involved. Having had a good start, I'm at ends trying to find the right balance as far as tone is concerned.
You've given me some good ideas to wrok with, Jamir. My thanks again (and always) for that. Hopefully this one won't end up in the "might have been" bin.
Peace
You've given me some
Hi David
I'm amazed that you think this could possibly be a 'might have been' I think it's brilliant. I'm sure the all powerful (Nick to you and me) would be able to come up with something to improve it but I honestly think it's fine as it stands.
I don't think it needs to be longer with verses but maybe with another chorus (as it changes through the song) tacked on the end to round it off.
Valerie is twenty three
And I guess that she will always be...
And when they meet she'll ask her God
All powerful and good
Why in this world there's always guns
But never any food
This type of song always runs the risk of sentimentality but I think you stay away from that very well.
Good stuff
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
