See yourself talking to this man while he is talking about the general population
Outline
V1. Who do they know him as
V2. Who he is
Chorus. His pain
V3. How he survive
V1 Â
They know who I am
By the filthy rags I wear
By wobbly wheels
on a rusty old chair
Searching for food
Where you wouldnt touch
Surviving on the refuse
of those who have to much
V2 Â
They cannot see me
For who I really am
Their unversed stare show me
they dont give a d**n
I fought for their freedom
In a muddy jungle town
Loyal to their nation
Till a bullet took me down
Chorus
Ask someone who loves me.
What hurt me the most
The bullet in my back
Or the jungle ghost
The reason I cant walk
or the way they walk around
The way they overlook me
Or this chair to be confound
V3
I beg for their quarters
Whats a quarter to them?
To me its going hungry
or by a little to eat
The coffee they discard
is still warm enough for me
The burger that their kids wouldnt eat
Is like a Christmas spree
Chorus
Ask someone who loves me.
What hurt me the most
The bullet in my back
Or the jungle ghost
The reason I cant take one step
or the way they walk around
The way they overlook me
Or this chair to be confound
Hi'a Olav,
Really really good, I enjoyed reading this one the imagry is excellent, and would love to hear it, just one comment on verse 3 though....
I read it twice and kept say bread at the end of one line as you went out of rhyme pattern
I beg for their quarters
Whats a quarter to them?
To me its going hungry or by a little to eat or a stale crust of bread
The coffee they discard
is still warm enough for me
The burger that their kids wouldnt eat
Is like a Christmas spree
I know it still doesn't rhyme, but it is just what I read in place of the words you had written.
Go well
Jamir ;)
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
I agree with Jamir, very good song.
Also I stumble over the "that" in the second to last line, but songs seems to flow better if it is gone.
for fixing line how about:
I beg for their quarters
Whats a quarter to them?
To me its going hungry or by a little to eat or a dinner to eat
The coffee they discard
is still warm enough for me
The burger that their kids wouldnt eat
Is like a Christmas spree
Also at end of chorus:
Ask someone who loves me.
What hurt me the most
The bullet in my back
Or the jungle ghost
The reason I cant walk
or the way they walk around
The way they overlook me
Or this chair to be confoundwhich confines me
confound means to confuse or mistake, which does not fit here.
Rich
Jamir and Rich
Thanks for taking the time to critique my lyrics
Rich, the word was supposed to be confined all along. I did miss-spell it.
Or to this chair confined.
Rhymezone.com
Confined. adjective: not free to move about
adjective: in captivity
As for the 4th line in V3 I think a combination of the two suggestions would sound OK
Or buy some bread to eat. Not sure? Ill think more about it
The word That will be dropped in the last part of Verse3
Thanks to both of you
Blessings
Olav
Hi Olav
This is very good work - I think Rich and Jamir have you thinking it through in the right direction. Certainly contains all the elements SSG is trying to get you to incorporate. I like the story outline at the beginning - helps to have a plan.
Very good flow to the song and a good underlying message, elegantly told.
Good stuff and hopefully will make it into the MP3 stage
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
I've nothing to add that hasn't already been said. Great song! Really makes one think.
He not busy being born is busy dying. - Bob Dylan (It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding)
Hi Olav
Great imagery! I can actually see this persons pain in my mind by the way you have worded it, and it creates real strong emotions.
I particularly think verse 3 is most effective. :)
it's a real 'gets you thinking song' Which is such an effective way to write. Really well done Olav ;)
Jacqui. :)
"I am a question to the world, not an answer to be heard."
Good stuff.
Agree with the others on minor changes needed.
