Hi all,
I decided to go less serious with this one. *Knocks rust off pen*...man, gotta do this more often...
An Honest Prayer
V1
In the name of the Father, Holy Ghost, and Son
I humbly pray to you oh Lord
For you alone are Holy, you alone are good
And you alone can hear this prayer
So I call on your name for you are the only one
Who fills my needs with but a word
So grant me what I seek, Lord if you only would
Then I might believe that you care
Chorus
Maybe you noticed I still haven't won the Lottery
And a super model has yet to knock upon my door
I'm still overweight and girls don't swoon when they look at me
And each day I'm still older than I was the day before
So where are you Lord, cause you've got responsibility
I've got faith in you but lately I'm not so sure
'Cause if I can't get what I want from you then I don't see
Just what the hell I'm praying to you for
V2
God this life you gave to me, as precious as it is
Hasn't turned out all that well
So I'm asking you for something, 'cause you hear me when I call
Just ease this pain and heartbreak
It says "Ask and you shall receive", so I'm calling out your promise
'Cause I'm sick of living in this Hell
So start breakin' out the miracles, 'cause the writing's on the wall
You owe it to me, for heaven's sake!
Bridge
Could it be that there's more to prayer than this?
Is there a meaning I failed to see?
Could it be there's something that I've missed?
But how will I know unless you give it unto me?
Douglas Joy
Doug,
Nice song. I think you've captured the sentiment that anyone who conciders themself religeous has felt at some point or another.
I like the language you use in the song, except for the first four lines of the chrous:
Maybe you noticed I still haven't won the Lottery
And a super model has yet to knock upon my door
I'm still overweight and girls don't swoon when they look at me
And each day I'm still older than I was the day before
I know you are going for a less serious song, but to me these lines take your otherwise engaging lyrics and bring them crashing down to pretty petty quibbles. I think this could b a great song that captures the yearning and heartache of someone down on their knees before a silent God. I also think that in light of the devestating events that have been ocurring in the world in that last several years, and the ongoing crises that plague many parts of our world, the fact that you haven't won the lottery won't bring you much sympathy. (Again I know it is supposed to be more light hearted, but I can't escape that this has the makings of something so much more.)
Maybe for the opening of the chorus you could use lines like:
Have you noticed my empty hands stretched skyward?
Have you felt the aches in these bones?
These capture the feelings of poverty and age, just like yours, only more in line with the rest of the lyrics to my ear. You could even just leave it at two lines, that way the chorus isn't the same length as the verses.
Very good work.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
I didn't like the first verse at first sight....then I read the rest of it, and it made perfect sense....
I really like the song as it stands, but Slowplay makes a valid point...it's good, but it could be even better...I like the suggestion he made for the chorus....
One thing you can say about Coldplay, his critiques are honest, helpful and - most importantly of all - constructive!!!!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi'a Doug,
I was also put off in the first verse,but carried on reading as your work is always a grand read and the meter always runs so smothly off the tongue when i am reading it, and unlike the others I loved the remainder.
I agree these are petty things,
Yes there are horrors in the world, but most of us forget them 5 minutes after reading them in the news paper or hearing them on the news until the next big story break that also lasts 5 minutes.
My biggest worry is what to cook for supper, or what chord am I trying to find to make the melodywork that is in my head. The rest only comes into being when hearing the news.
I think that is why i like it so much, very human !!!!!!!
I would make the beginning less serious though.
Well my 10c worth
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi Doug
Good comments all round so will only echo that I like it as it stands for me it turns on one line:
Just what the hell am I praying for
Could be taken to mean 'this guy sees praying as futile' or 'this guy's praying for the wrong things' and that just sets it up really well for me.
Great stuff
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
Hi all,
Thank you very much for the comments. My original vision for the song was a song about a guy who prays for trivial stuff and is upset that he doesn't get what he wants. He doesn't understand, because he takes it all so seriously, and is very outwardly pious. But he's praying for the wrong things, which is why his prayers are not answered. He almost gets it in the bridge, but doesn't quite make it there.
I could see how this could be reworked by changing the chours to make it a serious song of anguish, but that's not really where my heart is at right now. Personally, God has never been silent in my life, and my humble prayers have always received some response, though not always in the way I thought.
After re-reading/singing it, I see how the first part may be a bit over the top. I was trying to create a contrast in showing how serious this guy takes his religion, then turn it 180 with that chorus about winning the lottery and meeting supermodels. Maybe it is a little too much...I'll think about it...
I do like Slowplay's short chorus. The 8 line verses and 8 line chorus are longer than I typically like to go, but I justified in in this case by thinking it sung a bit faster than my usual ballady type stuff.
I will meditate on all this as I ponder this week's assignment. Thank you all again for your fine (as usual) input.
Regards,
Douglas
