I just wrote these lyrics in about 10 minutes. How's that for sticking with the assignment? I'm still working on a tune.
You're sucking all my time away.
There isn't always another day.
It makes me want to cry
The way you make me waste my time.
When you want it done,
I'd better be on the run
'Cuz nothing happens soon enough
When it's something that you love.
I've got a few minutes. Oh no I don't.
Please leave me alone. I know you won't.
I'm heading out the door to go somewhere
It's impossible. You're getting in my hair.
You ask me to look at something for a minute.
I know it's never like that once I'm in it.
Short conversations are not in your domain.
Once I go in there I'm going to remain.
I can't even start a song and get to the end.
The door is closed but still you come in.
I'm longing for a single day
That I get to spend my way.
chorus:
Stop the clock.
I want to get off.
The hours circle around
And they're never long enough.
Renee
Perfect. That's the idea.
Hi Renee,
Good start...you got right into the meat of the assignment and stayed well on topic. :D
Question: What music do you imagine and what type of singer?....The reason I ask is because there is a clear topic and emotion that the singer doesn't want the singee to waste/suck up the singer's time....
......but the idea sits a bit abstract or doesn't draw me in until I get a sense of who the singer and singee are.....a husband on the way out to the pub? a teenage daughter going out to the mall? a church goer trying to beat the crowd to Sunday lunch at Applebee's?......
......I think the balance of concrete details helps draw the listener in and identify with the song and helps the listener connect with the idea.
What are your thoughts?
Thanks for sharing :D
James
I already have a tune. I just need to get an hour or so to myself with no interruptions so I can clean it up, record it and post it. :wink: I've also changed the lyrics a bit, but am still keeping it vague. I think a more concrete story has its place, but I want to leave this a little more general.
Renee
I just need to get an hour or so to myself with no interruptions so I can clean it up, record it and post it.
Nothing like living out your art :P
I look forward to the listen. :D
Well, I'm still living out my art, as James said. Can't find the time to do this right, but I renamed the song, got it recorded and posted it on Soundclick. It's almost embarrassing. Rough tune and recording, very simple guitar playing. But hey, this is a songwriting exercise, after all, not meant to be too polished.
The title now is "Off the Clock" and here it is:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=11175384
Renee
Hi Renee,
Sounding good :D Nice playing.
But hey, this is a songwriting exercise, after all, not meant to be too polished.
Exactly! I think it's a huge step forward for you to be able to write a song and record it in just a couple days.
You should celebrate it!
Suggestions:
#1
Consider where you could drop some first person pronouns I'm....I.....I'd.....
I'm heading out the door > Heading out the door
They tend to weight the lines down and are often already implied.
They also seemed to trip you up on the vocal delivery, but I know part of that is because you are still learning the song.
#2
I like the new title. Have it appear in the song as a hook. For example:
Stop before you start
I'm off the clock
Yeah, I'm off the clock
Hours circle around
They're never long enough.
I'm off the clock
Yeah, I'm off the clock
Thanks for sharing.
James
