This is my first post, so go easy on me. I decided I might as well jump right on in.
The original is written by bluenightangel. When I read this I didn't at first know what to think, but then I really started liking it's spontenaiety and chaos. It's one of those songs you can just sort of fly with. I've changed it around a bit... Sooo, bluenightangel, thanks for letting me borrow this one!
Original:
Fever in my basket
There's a fever in my basket
It looks like a curious cat and it
Purrs like you when I stroke its head
I tried to lock it in my closet but without success
It just keeps jumping out before I can close the door
So I carry it around
I wear my Sunday smile, still
The shock is quite profound
As I hurry through the dull streets of this town
Guess my anxiety shows like it has never before
Just in time lest they see
I reach the entrance of ivy, well
Yeah I made it home in one piece
I rest my head against the fridge, on air violins
Unnoticed a cat creeps out of a basket'n'on shore
I gasp as I hear its voice deep within my chest
Heat pours from it and seeps into my veins
The blood boils in my brain, dances inside my legs
Sadly I raise my weary eyes
That meet yours which are wet but mine are red
You know it's a pity yet
I can't dive with you.
My version:
a little fever in his basket
looks like a curious cat and it
purrs like an old friend every time he
strokes its stubborn head.
He tried to lock it in his closet, but with no success,
it's one of those escape tones that
you just can't conceal.
so he carries it around
wears a sunday smile, still
the shock is quite profound
so he hurries the streets of nightengale
knowing his anxiety is quite apparant.
just in time, lest they see
he reaches the entrance of ivy, and
sure, he's made it home in one piece,
but see him rest his head against the fridge,
listening to asthenosphere violins,
while, unnoticed, a cat escapes a bit of wicker.
on shore he gasps and hears the voice within his chest
heat seeps from the sound and claws into his viens
textured blood boils his brain, dances his legs;
sadly, he raises wired eyes,
eyes to meet hers, which are wet,
and his red,
and she tells him,
"It's a pity love,
But today I won't die with you."
well, yes, I do like cake...
hey Bohemian.
welcome to the SSG!
thanks for the kind words about my song and thanks for choosing it :wink:
I like your revision of it(though, as this time I do have music for it, it wouldn't really fit the rhythm anymore- just a tad long in places).
there are some lines in it which are really amazing, such as:
strokes its stubborn head.
it's one of those escape tones that
you just can't conceal.
wired eyes
"It's a pity love,
But today I won't die with you."
actually I first had 'die' instead of 'dive',too(believe it or not, but it's true :wink: ). then I thought I could as well use 'dive' because while singing it you can hardly tell a difference between dive and die anyway.
yet you managed to give it still another turn in letting another person say those words to the one with the fever. that's cool.
so really good work, I think:)
hope you'll let us read more from you.
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Bohemian,
Welcome to SSG. Very nice job here. You retained much of the original piece yet and some things that brought a different feel to it.
The one exception I find is the term "asthenosphere violins" I'm not sure what you mean by this.
It's been said that if you have to explain a lyric it may be better to change it.
I will admit I had to look the word up but that didn't help much. Just what the earths crust has to do with violins escapes me.
OK that said, Welcome , nice work , and looking forward to see more from you.
Celt
Thanks to the both of you for your comments. :-)
The whole asthenosphere violins thing was partially a random thought, because I like the word, but as far as I can remember from a science class way back when, the asthenosphere is the zone above the atmosphere where radio transmissions are recieved. I could be wrong, but that's the thought that came to me, and what I remembered.
But mounds of thanks guys!
well, yes, I do like cake...
Bohemian,
I don't want to get all technical on you or anything. Just wanted to get a handle on what you were trying to say. I too like the way the word sounds in the song but when I look up asthenosphere I get a completely different defintion (see below)
Asthenosphere - noun: the lower layer of the crust
I think the word you're loking for may be Ionosphere(see below)or maybe even Ionospheric.
Ionosphere - noun: the outer region of the Earth's atmosphere; contains a high concentration of free electrons
Hey but whatever works for you.
At least you remember something from science class " way back when "
I had to go looking for dictionaries just to make sure I got the spelling right.
Celt
Celt,
That's probably right, but who knows? I do have this strange tendency to throw random words into my songs and poetry, so that's part of why I put that there :-).
I could try and tame that a bit, but do you think it matters if there's something like that in there? Or does it go with the motif?
I don't know.
Boheme
well, yes, I do like cake...
Bohemian,
If it were me I'd change it but I'm kind of old fashion that way. If you're just looking for the sound of the word it works great. I know it may be a bit of a cop out answer but the choice is up to you.
Celt
Hey, it works for me!
well, yes, I do like cake...
for me, too :wink:
(though I, too, had to look it up :lol: )
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
