SSSG III Week 2

Hi'a Tainted poet

Well I don't think you too tainted at all, not a bad take on the assignment great visual imagery my only comment might be a chorus to bring it all together .... if you look at it this way .....

Hold my Hand flash of white light
pull down the shade To hide from its sight
Parked in cool places step out to the breeze
cold spring shudder The sunlight's warm tease

Looking through glass to the red chandelier
snapping and clicking Feeling no fear
Cold we drops come from the ground
they splash and swell The long fountain sound

I would put a short chorus in here

Scarves in the wind tied in captivity
it sways and falls Longing to break free
Snapping and clicking mere fragments of time
capture your image For others to find

and here

Hold my Hand the dusk fading light
put up the shade Were gone from its sight

and round it off here

my 10c worth........ :wink:

Go well
Ja'mir

Thankyou very much, I was wondering if any one would reply to this song. I feel as though there is a lot missing from this song because it sounds very Dr. Susse to me. I will have to ponder on the chorus to tie it together it sounds like a good idea to me. Also the taintedness is not very apparent in this song because the reason for being tainted came after this memory.

P.S.
Chorus: Going down town just to play
You and me both forevers today

I dont know just something quick playing on words, still could use some more work.

hey tainted,

nice song. even though i didn't understand it. i just don't get it.

i do understand where you are comming from about the feeling of work sounding dr. seussish. that is how i feel when i try to rhyme poetry. and i realised it was b/c when i write poetry i write very short lines like you did here. longer lines don't have that same feel. i really like how jamir changed your song around just that little bit. she is right about the fact of this song needing a chorus. i feel bad that i didn't understand your song, but don't let that discourage you from writting more.

-CheapThrill

I'd have to agree with Jamir and the points she made about structure....it's difficult to get inside the author's mind if you can't read the flow of a song.....

having said that, there are some really nice lyrics here, paint a vivid mental picture....

:) :) :)

Vic

Hi TaintedPoet

I'm lost a bit on what the song is about but seems to me to be about redsicovering pictures from a certain point in time. At least with that idea in mind I can understand the song. It is very image driven which may add to my confusion - sometimes if it's not spelt out in letters 20 feet tall I'll miss the point - sometimes if it is spelt out in letters 20 feet tall I'll still miss the point.

However, there's some really good writing in here, I particularly like these lines

Snapping and clicking
mere fragments of time
capture your image
For others to find

- the inclusion of a chorus could be the way to spell this out more clearly.

Bob :)