Twenty things are in this room, None of them i need.
Twenty things are in this room, Aquired only by greed.
The love behind each is lost, In my eyes the meanings in the cost.
I see the shirt, just mere cotton, the one behind it is forgotten.
The instruments are of wood and glue, the love contained is seen through.
If i could take back things i said, some of the thoughts that filled my head.
Id give back emotion to the ones that called me their only son.
My fathers words, my mothers tears, the calender doesnt back through the years.
So what can i do to change the pain, make right all the years lived in vain?
Nothing can, but something will, the remorse i have is not a hill,
But a cliff i must jump off, to remove myself from my sinful trough.
My love for them knows no bounds, yet my sinful nature binds it down.
------------------------------------------------------------
Theres no structure to it but I dont wanna work on this right now. Or maybe I do. I just want it to be critiqued.
Its more of a poem than a song as Gemma pointed out to me. I always have been a lot better at poetry than songwriting (in my opinion at least).
I really cant write well and I realize that I used wayyy to many rhymes. It bogs down the flow. Sorry about that.
If anyone has any tips on how to make songs sound more like songs and less like poems then please tell me.
aka Izabella
Izabella ,
There may be more structure here than you think. Maybe if you wrote it out in a more " poetic form " it might be easier to see and hear .
"Twenty things are in this room
None of them i need.
Twenty things are in this room
Aquired only by greed"
Then you can go back line by line and see what needs to be done to tighten it up. There's alot of good stuff here just needs a bit of polish.
Celt
Twenty things are in this room,
None of them i need.
Twenty things are in this room,
Aquired only by greed.
The love behind each is lost,
In my eyes the meanings in the cost.
I see the shirt, just mere cotton,
the one behind it is forgotten.
The instruments are of wood and glue,
the love contained is seen through.
If i could take back things i said,
some of the thoughts that filled my head.
Id give back emotion to
the ones that called me their only son.
My fathers words, my mothers tears,
the calender doesnt back through the years.
So what can i do to change the pain,
make right all the years lived in vain?
Nothing can, but something will,
the remorse i have is not a hill,
But a cliff i must jump off,
to remove myself from my sinful trough.
My love for them knows no bounds,
yet my sinful nature binds it down.
--------------------------------------------------
How does one not rhyme? I find it hard... I think too much when I do this.
Thanks for your help. Ill try to salvage this in a bit.
aka Izabella
Hi'a
There is no problem with rhyming, as long as it isn't forced. I am a poet 1st and a lyricist second, and rhyming as long as it is structured makes it easier to sing !!!! ( for me anyway) you probably find that rhyming comes easily to you, so don't try not too !!! Just work on the actual rhyming structure like so ......
wenty things are in this room, A
None of them i need. B
Twenty things are in this room, A
Aquired only by greed. B
The love behind each is lost, C
In my eyes the meanings in the cost.C
I see the shirt, just mere cotton, D
the one behind it is forgotten. D
The instruments are of wood and glue, C
the love contained is seen through. C etc etc
Try and stick to a a b a b sequence or an cc dd sequence through out the song, much the same as poetry ....... and don't try so hard, the content is excellent, so don't beat yourself up !!!!!!
Go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
I really like this one. I think it works well and could easily be played musicly. Good song....
"Don't get trapped by the tyranny of four" Rikky Rooksby
