The Rip

Jackal,

Nice work,lot of good imarery. I do have a slight problem though.

You wrote; "I am the wave that crashes on your desert sandy beach "

If the wave is crashing on the beach it really doesn't fit my idea of a "desert." May you should lose that one word .

Also the line;"but then id be a lake no more id be a hill"

I don't understand where the "hill'' comes into it . I think if you you were to change that to sea it would make more sense and fit the rhyme better.

Celt

Thanks for feedback Celt.

You are right about the desert part. The point I am making with the lake is that it does not flow anywhere and anything I take would be because people come to me instead of me going to them. But then, if I take enough from them, I fill ( as lakes do ) and there is nowhere for that to wash away and eventually I am a lake no more, I would be solid ground. Not necessarily a hill but it rhymes. lol

Make sense????

TheJackal.

OK I get it now.

Thanks for explaining

Celt

but then id be a lake no more id be a hill lol :lol:
I love that line! funny(I got it before you explained it-seldom enough :wink: - so I think it is not so difficult it should be removed)

also like:
Because you know that once I crash I fade away
hilled and hollowed bed

did you mean 'desert' like lonely, deserted? then it would make sense to me. and it reads so well.

if it isn't too stupid a question...could you explain the following please?
it feels im robbing peter to pay paul

only thing that might be improved in my opinion:
never sure of where the next crash is for me
(it's just a nit-picky thing though)...I don't know why but that line fell out of place for me- I think you wanted to have 'crash' in there because of the last line in the first verse and the 'me' is obviously to rhyme... if you could reorder the line bit? maybe to...[long thinking]...er...couldn't think of anything better, so I guess it's alright to leave it as it is;)

anyway..
it's very good song, I think:)

bluenightangel

Wow,

Thanks Blue. I usually dont like explaining songs in full because I like leaving it up to the reader/listener to come to their own conclusions about the meaning but I will indulge this once because of all the kind feedback. lol
The song is essentially a metaphor for a mans experiences with women. The "crash" being several things (getting to know, spending time, making love) never a lasting thing. Hence the fading away.
Then there is the learning. Taking things from one woman using those things (experiences, lessons) with another. Just as a wave, or any water for that matter takes sand/dirt from one place and drops it in another.
You have heard of the expression robbing Peter to pay Paul right? I use that line to describe both a waves erosion of a beach and the mans erosion of the woman. Not all beaches can be beautiful and perfect all of the time. The sand taken from one that makes it look all eroded and ugly is deposited at another to beautify it. Hard to describe I guess, its like a cant make them all happy and I steal (learn) from one only to disappoint her and yet what I learn from her pleases another. lol F*cking men right? lol
Finally, the crash (the meeting the experience) will it be with her or with another? I'm not sure what else I could put in its place.

So that is somewhat of a description of the song. As you can see, another reason I usually dont explain them is because I get very long winded. lol Believe me, its crystal clear in my head. lol

Thanks again for the feedback Blue.

TheJackal.

hey ya:)

thanks for making the effort to explain your song:) I've actually not heard that 'robbing peter to pay paul' saying. that's why I didn't think about it as an image kinda thing but just wondered where these two people have been the rest of the song, why do they just pop up here?;)
now that you've wrote about it I understand it, so thank you very much:)

...I appreciate it especially because explaining the whole is difficult for me to do, too :wink:

it had another positive aspect, too, I now like your song even more;)
bluenightangel