this is only a test flight, not sure about the chorus, had a few more verses written that i've cut cause they didn't fit, i've been trying to get away from rhymes the last few weeks so the song doesn't read that smoothly, but for bad or worse, here it is,
carrying the clouds
-----------------------------------------------------------
today i saw a man drifting up to heaven
he looked at me and smiled like he knew my life
i felt his thoughts floating in the air between us
they seemed to say cherish all that's good
they're carrying the clouds
on their weathered wings
heaven's host he's found
helping him to sing
i know my sins will never be forgotten
forgiveness asked is often not received
acceptance lives again in each tomorrow
accept that i can never wait that long
they're carrying the clouds
on their weathered wings
heaven's host is found
forgiving all my sins
i saw myself flying in the distant future
earth below and heaven up above
i felt my feelings feeling only happy
where i was i hope i'll someday be
i'm carrying the clouds
on my weather wings
heaven's host i found
causing me to sing
-----------------------------------------------------------
m
sytys
I like the image of weathered wings and how this song and an uplifting feel to it.
Couple things, in the chorus, rhyming wings and sing doesn't seem to work well and in the second chorus, it doesn't rhyme at all.
Hiya
I actually can't see the problem with Wings and sing personally
( just my opinion ) don't take offence One Wing
Not being a very religious man myself ( another opinion )
I won't comment on the subject material but will pass comment on about the structure of your lyrics ..
I found this to be well written out nice flow and told a good story with alot of imagery .
Hilch :?:
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Hi sytys,
I think the writing here is very good. I think you give us a great image.
Well done.
cheers
Paul
hey, thanks for the feedback, it's weird, i'm not very religious either, but that's the theme that my songs have taken lately, just interesting subject matter i think, it's kinda beyond our scope of knowing so it's easy to write about,, the chorus was a quick add on, originally the song had 5 verses and no chorus, one was about birds trying to get into heaven, the other was about sinning, they just didn't fit so i banged out that chorus and didn't really play around with the wording a bunch, any suggestions on music would be most helpful as i have the meter in my head but am having trouble transfering it to the strings, thanks again.
m
sytys
Hey sytys
very nice song, but I would just like to make two small suggestions and 1 optional
1.forgiving all my sins...to..Forgiving everything
this will give the same rhyming effect that you have
for the other two choruses.
2.i'm carrying the clouds...to..I'll be carrying the clouds
my reason for this is it is something you saw in the distant furture
not something you are actually doing now(I hope that makes sense)
3.this one I just going to throw out there.(optional)
on my weather wings(third Chorus only)...to...on my new found wings
and this only depends on how far into the future you saw
(recently deceased(new wings) or deceased for some time (weather wings)) either way
AS ALWAYS MY OPINION ONLY
Tokai 12 String
Don't you ever give up on yourself
hey tokai, great suggestions, i think i'll incorporate all of them, really like the everthing substitution, thanks.
m
sytys
